I can’t pretend to know God’s will. What he has planned for us I’m not for certain, but I do know of God’s love. Even when we don’t think he does. I say read the whole book of Romans, it explains so much and please seek out a church. I’ve only been a Christian for about 3 years, and I’ve learned so much from my local pastor. Find a church family and worship with them. I have never felt more loved in my life then when I met my church family. I will continue to pray for you and I’ll try to answer as many questions as you might have. I love you brother!