Make him sign the fuckinnewguy papers and read the disclaimer:

Due to extraneous circumstances beyond our control, all .win-lings are subject to a probationary period where they may be cast back out into the wild, uncivilized savagery of the otherwebs (also referred to as loserweb). Any acts of shillery, doomerism, cuckery, or other forms of impropriety will ensure the loss of your status as "new fren". Should you prove your mettle at winning, you will be rewarded with a new status as "comfy fren" and will be given all benefits heretofore, forthwith, and henceforth even. Good luck!