Unbeknownst to Republicans, Democrats, and Independents alike, on November 3rd, 2020, I voted for myself using the write-in line of my official ballot. While the rest of you fools were watching numbers tick on your screens at home, I used my small private news network to call a decisive victory. It was a good race, and hard fought on all sides, but now is the time for Americans to unify behind ComptonFoodTruck.

I have the proof. I emailed many of my constituents, declared my victory on social media, and walked out into the street to shout it, long before any of the other candidates dared to declare victory. I win. Everyone else loses. I CALLED IT!! I am your President-elect. I look forward to serving all Americans.