I'm sorry your going through some terrible times friend, and I'm sorry it will get worse before it gets better. I've lost my father and I miss him every day, when the time comes it will hurt deeply. You're looking at rock bottom but you're not th err re yet. When you finally hit it stop, breathe, and take stock of yourself. You will have faced some of the worst the world can throw at you, and you will still have strength. The strength you find there when the world around you seems so bleak will lead you to a peace only someone whos been to the bottom can know. After that friend the world is a different place, external factors bear little weight on you and things will look different than they ever did before. I just want you to know life will get better and it will be you that has the strength to make it better.