Pedes, this is a sincere plea for help. I am in my 30s and have been agnostic my entire life. In the past I never gave any merit to the thought of God, but a few weeks ago I realized that every single person I love and respect, both in my own life and public figures, is a devout Christian. So I thought to myself, maybe I've been wrong about God.
I started reading the bible and looking up some verses online about relevant topics - just the start to what will be a much longer journey. I was feeling pretty good about it until today when I watched a video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZBIn0QCEpE) about salvation. I listened, closed my eyes, and recited the prayer at the end.
I want to believe it, I want it so bad that I almost think I believe it, but if I'm being honest with myself and God, I do not. At least not in the way that I hear people talk about their faith. It's worthy of awe and admiration, in fact I envy them for it.
I guess I'm just looking for some help on my journey. My wife says I cannot know and understand everything in the bible. I believe her but I struggle with that thought and wonder if I will ever truly believe.
You are human and prone to doubt and thats ok, we all do it. Whats important is reaching out in faith and choosing to believe based on the evidence you've seen.
14 And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. 15 And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. 16 And he asked them, “What are you arguing about with them?” 17 And someone from the crowd answered him, “Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. 18 And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.” 19 And he answered them, “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.” 20 And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. 21 And Jesus asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood. 22 And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” 23 And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out[d] and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” 25 And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” 26 And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, “He is dead.” 27 But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. 28 And when he had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?” 29 And he said to them, “This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer.”[e] Mark 9:14-29