This thing could kick off any time but it might be months. 2 months of heavy lifting will help moderate your aggression and make you more effective if it goes hot. .
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Edit - forgot to add, eat keto if you can. All this above will maximize your testosterone
Probably has something to do with your commitment to being unable to.
Talk to someone in a squat rack. Like any compound exercise, focus on and figure out form before worrying about weight. Squatting the 45lb bar is squatting.
Try deadlifting and front squatting with kettlebells or just a vertical weight. Worked for me. Concentrate on squeezing yer quads and butt muscles and keep a straight back. Honestly I started only using just a little weight for form keeping purposes.
When you're new, the right form is more important than the weight anyway.