Transcript of Trump-Barr Meeting released:

BARR: "Sir, it's just not who I am. I took the job figuring you'd be tied up in endless investigations and media-contrived scandals. I figured I could lay low, collect a paycheck, play my bagpipes five hours a day. Turns out the saturated fat from KFC chicken thighs acts as a corrosive agent in the bladder of the bagpipe. I was practicing this song as a surprise for you on Second Inauguration day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgzZLNwqvdQ

But then the threats came. Worse than my daily wedgies in grade school. You know what, I'm not that guy. I can't go all hard-ass like you. I mean...look at me. I look like a teddy bear with an oxycontin habit. I wear a kilt for God's sake! Oh my, I'm starting to sweat. Is my upper lip beading with sweat? I'm so sorry Donald. I...did you know I wear a bra? Well, it's more of a Brandy Chastain sports bra, but the medical version. Oh geez oh geez, my heart's starting to palpitate. Darn, I forgot my pills. Do you have a spare inhaler?"

TRUMP: "No Bill, I do not have a 'spare' inhaler."

BARR: "This tie is too tight. Sir, I will do this amicably, I won't write a book or spread lies or speak ill of you to the media...In exchange, could...you...tell them not to tar & feather me?"

[21 seconds silence]

BARR: "My glasses are fog--"

TRUMP: "Shush."

[sound of eyeglasses breaking on the marble floor, several chair squeaks, and inaudible mumbling from Barr]

[12 seconds of silence]

TRUMP: "Who, Bill?"

BARR: "Huh? Oh, right. You know...[loud whisper]...the Frog People. The papa the frog people."

TRUMP: "Pepe."

BARR: "HuhWhat?"

[loud slamming sound]

TRUMP: "It's Pepe. Pepe the frog. From the patriots at thedonald.win"

BARR: "Yeah yeah, right. Well last night, two guys in Pepe masks did this to me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyCSU9yG63Q

TRUMP: "They whacked your interns in the elevator?!"

[audible sniffling and crying from Barr]

BARR: "No. They...showed me the YouTube clip on a phone. I shat myself and didn't even realize it."

TRUMP: "OK Bill, I see. I empathize but feel really bad for you. You're going to be known as a shitstain for the rest of your life. Isn't it a crime to have knowledge of likely on-going pedophilia, and not act? Anyway, you think about that and remember to keep one eye open for the Frog People, and your other eye open for Special Forces. Until that time, you are free to go. Make peace with your loved ones." [loud sound of Barr vomiting in waste bin. Footsteps. Sound of door opening. Trump's voice at a distance, then several voices, then outburst of group laughter.]

Aaaaand Scene!