The story of the RING, a TRIP, 20 cups of BEANS, a FLIP PHONE and an old RV. Jethro Bodine and Ellie May were married last year at a ranch in eastern Kentucky. A few months had passed, boring months for Ellie May. Ellie told Jethro she wanted to visit the Elvis Presley museum, Jethro told her to go ahead, Memphis was a safe place for a young white girl to go alone, Ellie May smiled, thanked her husband and made her way to Tennessee, without Jethro. Well, Ellie never came back, a couple months had passed, word was she was last seen in North Memphis. Jethro was upset, and Ole Grannie, Jethro's kinmaw told him, "boy you better go get your woman, but if you can't get her to come back with ya, at least bring my damn ring back you gave to'er". "YES MA'AM" he said, then Jethro got the keys and drove Uncle Jebs RV down to Memphis. Jethro looked all over the place for Ellie May, but he never found her. Weeks had passed and it was now Christmas Eve. Jethro moped around the downtown area of Memphis on his last night in town, when all a sudden he found himself outside the Ernest T. Bass Pawn Shop. Jethro walked in and inquired about Ellie May. Mr Bass perked up, with a big grin. He told Jethro he did see her, it was about a week prior, "she had came in and pawned a big ole weddin ring". Mr Bass showed the BIG RING to Jethro. Jethro recognized it immediately, "THAT THAR RING, THAT'S GRANNIES!! Giver here!!", Jethro shouted. The Pawn Shop owner snatched the ring back, put it in a safe, locked it up and told Jethro he would never part with THAT RING, it was too PRECIOUS to sell or give away! Jethro was fuming, and now mad as hell!. Jethro said, "well you old sad cooter licker, if you won't give to Jethro Bodine Esquire the III's his Grannies BIG RING back, can you at least tell me where Ellie May went". Mr Bass chucked, nodded and explained that Ellie May was happy, she was a huggin and kissin all over this old white man with grey hair. While young girls with old men wasn't exactly rare in Memphis, the odd thing was with particular old man, he just kept a sniffin her, a lot of sniffin. She also kept calling him her, "BIG GUY". That's all, Mr Bass told Jethro. Jethro was now even more pissed the hell off. He told Mr Bass he was gonna come back for Grannies BIG RING tomorrow, he needed to be ready to part with it. Mr Bass laughed at Jethro and told him, he'd never get it. Mr Bass pointed to a box on the wall connected to an AT&T telephone line. Mr Bass explained to Jethro that because there is an expensive alarm system connected to that safe, and if it was broken into he would get a rooster alert and come downstairs and blast whoever was robbin him with his winchester 16 gauge sawed off double barrel shotgun. Jethro laughed and said, "ya ya ya old man, I got a plan, we'll see who gets the last laugh." Jethro left Mr Bass' shop ready to kick someones ass. As the night went on, it now being well after midnight, Jethro started to concoct his plan. Just aimlessly driving around Memphis and blowing thru a few red traffic lights for fun, he saw a familiar place... KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN! Jethro, longing for home, drove straight over to KFC. Walking inside, he noticed an odd fat old man in the back booth, he was chowin down and munchin on about 10 buckets of Original Recipe. Jethro noticed how plump and greasy this man with glasses looked, but he went up to him anyway, the cashier told Jethro it was too late to order and man was he hungry... So Jethro walked up and spoke to the fat man, asking him if was plannin to eat those 20 cups of BAKED BEANS. The man didn't even look up, he was stuffin his jowls full of that KFC chicken by the leg. Jethro took this as a sign of yes, then he grunted back at the fat man. The old fat chicken eating greaser was too busy to take his gaze off the piles of fried chicken piled in front of him, he just nodded and grunted again at Jethro. That was good enough, as the two parted ways, Jethro went back to his RV with the 20 cups of baked beans and began to gorge himself. KFC beans never agreed with Jethro, but he was so hungry and he needed energy to pull of his plan. Jethro drove over to an alleyway next to the pawnshop, as he pulled in, he noticed an AT&T store was closeby. Jethro got himself distracted by this, as he always wanted one of them 'fancy flip phone gadgets', he thought this to be the perfect opportunity to make something good of this day and pickup a wireless phone. Jethro walked over to the AT&T store but it was closed, damn he thought, nothing going my way today. He decided to hell with all this bullshit, he was gonna head back to Kentucky right now, Memphis sucked ass. On his way short walk back to the RV, he started feelin is gut rumblin, oh hell no... he ran to the RV and barely made it to the old west style toilet seat. It wasnt even a half second after his cheeks clamped down on the seat, Jethro blasted out nearly all 20 cups of Barr's Baked Beans. Oh the Stank, it was ripe and foul, the odor almost causing Jethro to pass out on the toilet, he had to get outta there. He didn't have any water or flushing ointments in the RV, so the piles of bean shit just sat there fumigatin up a cloud of death, the potency was off the charts! Jethro couldn't breath, he barely made it, stumbling out of the RV and gasping for fresh air. As he was still recoverin from the gas cloud, he was walkin around in what would best be described in a certified state of confusion. There musta been so much gas rolling off those shits and squirts he took in the RV, it may of done caused Jethro to suffer brain damage again. Slowly recovering outside the RV in that cold Christmas night, a stranger came up to him. The stranger asked, "you Jethro Bodine?". Jethro acknowledged him, with a snappy, "YESSIR, that'd be me". The man called himself "The Eagle", he had somewhat of an Arkansas accent, Jethro asked 'The Eagle' what he wanted. The mystery man gave only one set of instructions. I want you to take this here cassette player and this cassette tape and plug into that thar RVs speaker system. Then, I want you to play this tape for 30 minutes, don't mind what it says, it aint real, its music. It's a new RAP song he claimed. Jethro was pretty damn excited, he just got himself a new friend that had a bonafide codename, a new rap cassette tape, a free BOOMBOX and well, things were just lookin up all a sudden! 'The Eagle', also gave Jethro a brand new AT&T Flip Phone, which brought the biggest smile to Jethro. This was the most excited he had been since he got his first whiff of Ellie Mays fish fry special, on their wedding night back in Kentucky. The Eagle told Jethro, "you'll get a phone call, once the tape finished playing, just answer the phone when it rings and you'll get 1 FINAL instruction." Complete that instruction, then you can keep the phone. "HELL YA" Jethro said, he gave 'THE EAGLE' an affirmatory nod, and ran back to the RV. Jethro popped the cassette tape into the BOOMBOX, connected the RVs external speaker megaphone system and pressed PLAY! WOW, that new RAP music was CRAZY Jethro thought to himself... BANG BANG POW POW! sounded like a shootout wild west style rap! Next thing you know, the 'Shooter Song' ended, but then some Countdown came on, Jethro got excited about this was this THE FINAL COUNTDOWN? Well, that phone call from 'THE EAGLE's friend' would be coming once the count was down to zero. Then it hit him again, Jethro's gut started rumblin, "Oh hell no" he thought. No damn way he can shit inside the RV again, if he opened that bathroom door, and it was still fumigatin as hardcore as it was, it may take out half the block! Then Jethro remembered, the Pawn shop had a port-a-potty outside of it due to construction, something about downtown rennovashuns or somethin. Straight to the porta toilet he ran, Jethro sat and shat, dropping a huge load in the portable toilet. The reeking stench started spirlin up into his lungs, Jethro had no time to spare, he kicked the door open and rolled outta there, barely made it out he though, forehead beaded up with sweat. Jethro didn't even have time to wipe the stank was so strong, he had to bail or die he thought. The countdown was almost complete, Jethro could hear it yelling 3 minutes, 2 minutes 1 minutes... from around the corner. The pawn shop was there, he could see the safe in the back corner of the room, there was just some glass and a combination between him and Grannies BIG RING. Then all a sudden, there was a phone ringing. Jethro remembered the phone was still in the RV! Oh no, if he missed the call he couldn't go the final instruction and without that, he'd never get to keep the phone! No way would could he part with that state of the art flip phone, as 'THE EAGLE' told him, pull this off kid and you get to keep the phone! Jethro began to PANIC! He started running back to the RV, then a BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM happened! There was shit exploding and flying into fireballs from hell! Jethro knew the color of that fireball to be a particular type of burning gas.. that was 100% BARRS BAKED BEANS explodin gas, it tore that RV all up, blew her into a million pieces! His ears ringin, Jethro stood up from being knocked back in the blast wave, in the commotion he saw the 2nd floor of the Pawn Shop was blown clear out... what luck! Jethro turned around to check the front of the shop, YES, the glass of the Pawn Shop was now all broken, there was a clear shot to the safe. No power either? Hmm, maybe no alarm, he could get GRANNIES BIG RING! There was no hesitation, Jethro dashed over to that safe, he was coy and watched Mr Bass open it earlier... too easy he thought, 17-17-17 what a combo, who in the hell would ever guess that number! CLICK went the safe, Gzztbrrt poof, went the alarm box smoking and fizzling out... holy hell the alarm system WAS DOWN! The luck he had! Inside was the BIG RING Grannie had given him for his wedding with Ellie May back in Kentucky. There was also this mysterious object, the writing on it said, DOMINION. "Sounds like something cursed and straight outta hell", Jethro thought. He decided to leave that DOMINION shit in the safe. Jethro Bodine snatched up Grannies BIG RING, turned around and tore ass outta Memphis and never looked back. As he reached the outskirts of town, he could hear the sirens wailing and saw the city was smoking from the blast that tore his RV to pieces... didn't matter though, he got his Grannies BIG RING back, he knew Ellie May done ran off with "The Sniffin Big Guy", and he was not gonna stop till he found his woman and taught this tough guy a lesson. The End. (yes I just typed all this shit out in one go, and no it was never meant to be this fucking long, so it probably sucks, I just couldn't stop)