-by Martina Heine-Rosenstein and Naomi Grossman

President Biden had little positive to say about the '94 arcade racing staple, Cruis'n USA, which sources say the President spent hours playing (and roundly cursing) Monday night. "I'm gonna beat this damn thing, Jill," President Biden is reported to have said after refusing the repeated entreaties of his wife to "just go to bed".

"The computer's cheating, I know it is," insisted the President of the United States. "This game was designed to eat your quarters. I don't know why Barry didn't get OutRun."

The arcade cabinet is just one of dozens that were installed at the presidential retreat during President Obama's first term in order to lure appeal to the youth demographic. Of the available games, none have attracted the attention of the President quite like Cruis'n USA, with one aide likening the game to Biden's "white whale".

"He really seems to hate it, but he's determined to beat it," one aide, who wished to remain anonymous, informed us. "He did the same thing on the campaign trail with Test Drive Off Road 2."

Attempts to persuade President Biden to play other games have been unsuccessful. Jen Psaki is reported to have suggested Daytona USA to which the President commented, "You would." Recommendations that President Biden return to Mario Kart were rebuffed as the Commander in Chief declared the Nintendo racer "for babies".

"Call me when they make another F-Zero." said President Biden. "Now that was a game. Or that podracing game. I always thought they should've made more of those." President Biden is said to have entered a raging fury when a secret service member offered to "beat the level for [Biden]" and at least one White House staffer was dismissed on the spot for commenting on the President's driving.

"I don't need a damn audience!" President Biden reportedly stated before calling a lid on the evening's proceedings to continue gaming in private.

At least one White House physician expressed concern over the President's commitment to beat Cruis'n USA. "We're worried about [Biden]," Dr. Jarvin told us over the phone. "He was up until the wee hour of 9 pm and only slept for twelve hours instead of his usual fourteen. He also left his bowl of Corn Pops® unfinished this morning." When asked if the President's recently-injured foot was of any concern, Dr. Jarvin said, "What? Oh, that, riiight. His foot. Yeah, nothing to worry about there."

It has not yet been confirmed whether an investigation has been launched into the President's allegations of gaming fraud within Cruis'n USA. When reached for comment, an anonymous FBI cyberingsecurity expert told us, "Midway hasn't existed for over a decade now, but that doesn't mean we can't send a team of twenty agents to mill around their old offices for a couple of weeks. If what the President alleges is true, this represents a serious threat to this country's arcade integrity."

President Biden was overjoyed to learn of the White House's Snow Day on Tuesday and raced to the Cruis'n USA cabinet in his underwear, a look of fierce resolution in his black eyes. "Gonna beat this thing or die tryin'" the President said.

"Go, Joe! You got this!" cheered Vice President Harris.

Some of President Biden's grandchildren were not as enthused. "I want to play," expressed Fetty Biden, one of Hunter's illegitimate fortified daughters. "People in Hell want ice water," the Commander in Chief responded, mistakenly referring to Fetty by the name of her older sister, Ketamina.

As of this writing, President Biden was last seen cursing vehemently on the Chicago level and waving away an aide bringing the fifteenth executive order of the day. "Put it in the pile. I'll sign it later," President Biden said. "I'll worry about ruling USA when I get done cruis'n USA."

Update: in a surprise twist, President Biden received over two hundred first place trophies in Cruis'n USA at 3 am this morning. President Biden eschewed entering his own initials into the high-score board, instead entering 'CCP'.