I just found out over the past 2 or so months my wife of almost 20 years has been reading a lot about deconversion/deconstruction. There was an event about 5 years ago in which she was spiritually abused. For 22-ish+ years, she's been a daily bible reader. Then, it all stopped one day. She used to read a kids version to our 8 year old at bedtime each night, and that stopped too.
She confessed to me last night that she no longer believes in God at all. This is the first I'm hearing about things like deconstruction, but talking to my brother in law about it, it's apparently running rampant in his church, too.
Heads up patriots! I could use all the prayers you got.
Has anyone been faced with this? Has anyone been successful in stopping it? We have 6 kids and she now wants to divorce and go be free.
So sorry man! Praying...
Can you explain more about the spiritual abuse and the context?
She was involved in what I would call a cult. It started because she was visiting friends and went to their church with them. It was one of those ones where they make mentally ill people stop taking medication, you have to ask God which grocery store you should shop at and if you pick wrong you're a sinner etc. It didn't start that way. That stuff creeped in slowly.
I went with her once to that church and knew immediately it was dangerous, but by that point it was too late. I couldn't see because I "didn't have the spirit'. I tried for a couple years to get her out of it and by the end when she refused to divorce me she was excommunicated. That process was horrifying to her. But I thought she was getting better. Turns out I should have been more vigilant.
That sounds about right. "Churches" like that are toxic to real reasonable faith in the long run. They hurt people and turn them away. If there is any way to gently remind her that her negative experience at that toxic church isn't Christ, wasn't a food church, that terrible experiences don't negate the truth of Christ... it might be helpful. But I think you have to be very careful not to pressure her too much as it will emotionally feel like her bad church abuse. Show her gentle and persistent love. Let her know how much you love her.
I grew up in a bad cultish abusive church environment. I spent time deeply questioning God from that. I learned that God was/is not afraid of my questions and anger and that there are deeply deeply rational historical scientific philosophical and satisfying answers to those questions in spite of the pain and trauma of finding out that the environment and many of my beliefs were toxic. "Mercy triumphs over judgment. "
Love to you and your family fren.
Glad to hear this, and it's wonderful advice. God is our fren. If we are called deplorable sinners or forced to perform some ritual to appease a man in a robe, that's not a true communion with God. Humans can't judge eachother, only our Creator can do that. And when you directly tune into the Creator, it is like nothing else. Pure love and understanding and compassion. Nothing that any church or Priest can give. There's no way to be afraid if you really know Him.
It sounds like she's been traumatized and is now associating all things "Christian" with her abuse. It triggers her uncomfortable emotions into remanifesting when she confronts the Bible.
Ask her if she is really athiest. I bet she's agnostic. And if not, show her there are different ways to worship without having someone dictate or control how you do it. Emphasize that God and Jesus don't hate or shame her, only people do that and that she is free to commune with God on a personal level, away from the influence of people who want to hurt her. That's not what spirituality is about, and she still should have the ability to privately pray on her own in the way she sees most comfortable. If that is meditation, chanting, singing or yoga, so be it.
At any rate she sounds hurt and confused. Just let her know you support her and don't try to force too much on her, she seems to be running scared. Don't force her to read the Bible to the kids, you do that part and let her find her way with your gentle guidance. Please give her lots of love and benevolent guidance and she should respond. If not, trying to clutch her to you or the family will only make her trauma worse. Fight for your kids if it comes to that but I hope it doesn't. Hang in there, trauma survivors can act like wild horses every so often. It's best to give space, exude calmness and present healthy alternate routes in a cheerful way. Don't judge. If she's lost, she'll be lost. I pray it doesn't come to that. Have patience.
Agnostic is definitely closer to her current philosophical position. She told me that if God exists he's evil because it doesn't make sense to torture someone for all eternity just because they didn't believe. She also mentioned anger at her never being healed from anxiety/depression disorders.
She was promised healing and never got it. So she's out.
I hate the concept that some people have that God “punishes” people by sending them to Hell.
Hell is something created by a personal rejection of God; it is a place beyond His reach and that is why is it so awful. Why it’s permitted to be this way, I guess none of us can ever know for sure. But IMO, without Hell, without sin, free will essentially does not exist (if you are not free to not choose literally the most important thing in your life, what do any of your other choices mean in the end?).
God doesn’t condemn us to Hell, going to great lengths to save us from such a fate. That’s why Jesus was born, suffered, and died. So we would have a way out. There is always forgiveness, and grace, and mercy.
Satan and the rest of the fallen angels are the ones who actively try to get people to damn themselves to Hell. Every human soul snatched from God’s grace is a victory for him, not because there’s some kind of cosmic bean counting contest going on, but because Satan hates God’s creation. Destroying humanity serves that hatred.
I consider churches like the one you’re describing to be such a recruiting tool. Shit like that is Satanic. God is not, and should not be portrayed as, a cosmic vending machine. I’m sorry your wife went through that.
Something that helped me get over this is the concept of reincarnation. I think the concept of hell can also be likened to suffering on Earth. Think of it this way... Untill you are passed to go to heaven, you keep starting over here in New vessels untill you "get it". This world is of the earth, which Satan rules over anyway. It's his world. In order to be free from this realm you must have extraordinary faith to continue to spread live and positivity despite all the pain, anguish and torment this world gives us. That's why they call it trancendance, it means "rising above". Rrsilliance means rising out of adversity to greater heights than previously possible. Hardship can give us superpowers....if you know how to utilize it. That's what God is teaching us with hardships. To me, the pain and evil in this world are things we must confront and endlessly transform into more positive, elevating and loving energy. Why? To help other souls around us climb the ladder to Heaven with us. It takes strength and immense faith to get over dispair, and really integrate bad things that happen to you. But absorbing bad energy and using that to create new, vibrant and positive energy is what God instructs us to do. That is literally what healing is. That's the way out of this maze, I'm sorry your love is stuck in a dead end. But there are so many dead ends in life and the good part of ending up in one.... Is that you know where you Don't need to be. She needs strength to pick up and keep having faith. Sometimes that cones from rest, but love and cuddles can help. :) show her all the other corners of the maze there are to explore, and why it's a good thing to explore, even of you have failures... You can always learn and grow from them. I hope she can find her own way to have faith. Sending love and prayers yalls way.
Funny, even though it's unbiblical and not really found anywhere. That's kind of how I've always viewed it as well.
explained there ^
I would honestly say to show her a few videos from Phil Robertson, or have her read some of his books like, "The Theft of America's Soul". That man helped me find my faith again in my darkest moments, and I feel that he might be able to help your situation.
I'm praying for you and your family.
Get her the book "I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist" and gently ask her if she would read it.
Checking now
I’m an atheist. But I follow based principles on family, responsibility and morals. Just because a diety isn’t in my mind I’m still honorable and a good man. Just don’t believe in the gods watching me in a cloud stuff. I support religious morality being taught as well. Degenerates are ruining America and the lack of moral codes and patriotism have caused thus.
And my marriage isn't based on whether she believes or not. But it seems like she is in the process of throwing out all morality with it. I'm pretty sure my marriage is lost. But I want Christian husbands to know that this is happening.
My brother in law says in his church it's coming with feminism and anti-male anti-patriarchy stuff. I haven't seen that, yet...
Lack of morals comes from removing Christianity's prime place in society. You're a moral atheist only because other people of faith are doing the heavy lifting of prayer and sacrifice and good works and you reap the positive spillover from that. Basically, you're free-riding off the fruits of Christan morality and virtues.
A society without God can NEVER be a good and just one. We've already seen what happened in atheist Russia and China.
So how were moral societies around before christianity?
Good moral atheists do seem to miss the larger reality that their entire sense of morality, principle, and values was built by Christianity.
Morals are not only instinctual but also logical, and have to do with the laws of physics and entropy. See Spinoza's God :)
Decontruction is postermoderinst
This is why I'm personally not fond of organized churches as a concept. It's a construct of Man to publically put worship on display as an act. Spirituality is, and always will be, a private and personal journey. Seeking help from others isn't inherently a bad thing, but it also opens up to outside influences of the material world. Something that must always be tempered with caution. Almost sounds like she's not coming to grips where the dichotomy of worship and tradition come into play. There's reading the scriptures dutifully out of habit and obligation and then there's READING it and ruminating on the spirit of the words. Is she as truly as faithful as she believed? That's what I'd say might be the question she's wrestling with and doesn't want to confront. Tests of faith aren't ever easy.
All of that is exactly what I've been thinking as well.
Check out: Crossexamined.org https://coldcasechristianity.com/ https://mamabearapologetics.com/ https://natashacrain.com/