Can you take me to my soccer tournament instead of Dad? I know you’re scheduled to work but I don’t want dad to take me - he criticizes me and I don’t want to hear it. He always says i have to play harder, I have to play faster, that I don’t want it bad enough. I don’t want him watching me. I don’t want him there. I don’t want to go if you can’t take me.
Holy shit. I get why people might ignore the original post, or think that it comes across as arrogant (or ignorant), but not sure why everyone has been triggered into a state of rage. My reaction to the post was, ok, here’s a challenge...
Yeah because parents flip out when they get put to the test. Easily offended snowflakes when it comes to this sensitive topic. It's why parenting is still as bad as it was 30 years ago because nobody learns anything or feels shame for doing a bad job.
First my spouse wouldn't be this way because I'd be more selective in who I choose as a spouse but that being said here's what I say.
I have to work to provide for you, so there's not much I can do on that end. But we can discuss more of this in a bit before your tournament starts okay?
Ok. But what if—while I totally disagree with criticizing a kid’s performance in sports and I never have said anything about it that wasn’t positive—I recognize that there’s some truth to the criticism from his dad, i.e. there are signs of lack of effort & of not doing his best. Do I just ignore those signs and tell him “good job” as I have been? Is there a way to get him to question if he is doing his best without criticizing. As for his dad, there are many positives about my husband, but I do find this particular quality despicable. I have spoken to him numerous times about it, and he says I’m too soft.
Honestly I wouldn't call it "despicable", but it is a flaw. Especially since he's not going about it the right way. It's tricky. A silver lining is it's better to have dad on this side of the spectrum pushing him to be tougher than the other side where dad is a bitch.
If I'm you I would stop with the good jobs because it's dishonest. I know it's encouraging but that's the healthy way to do it. Hopefully you can gently discuss this with your husband. Basically tell him this...
"I'm definitely on the same page with you as far as the boy. He lacks effort and needs to toughen up. However, we have a bigger issue now. He doesn't want you going to his games."
Then tell him what the boy told you.
He's telling you that you're too soft because you are. So what might be taking place is over-extending to cover for your softness because he doesn't want to produce a weak boy.
As the wife you're kind of limited to what you can do here, but if I'm dad this is what I do. I back off the kid a bit when it comes to his actual games, and focus on toughening him up outside of game time.
This is what I do. I take a stop watch and make the kid do sit ups, wall sits, push ups, run cones in the backyard, preaching effort. Make it exercise time, right before taking his shower every day. If he wants anything materialistic you can give him a weekly or monthly goal in order to achieve it, or just do it for nothing, while teaching him the importance of health. Work the laziness out of him proactively.
It all has to be done in an authoritative way, but a friendly way. No need to be a drill sargeant unless it's for moments at a time. Don't say good job unless he's actually doing a good job.
I think that’s good advice - thanks. And if you ever become a parent, I agree with you that you’d parent well. One thing that you had backwards, though: My husband isn’t compensating for my softness. I’m softer to compensate for his overly critical approach. But I get the points you made. Well said.
Can you take me to my soccer tournament instead of Dad? I know you’re scheduled to work but I don’t want dad to take me - he criticizes me and I don’t want to hear it. He always says i have to play harder, I have to play faster, that I don’t want it bad enough. I don’t want him watching me. I don’t want him there. I don’t want to go if you can’t take me.
Holy shit. I get why people might ignore the original post, or think that it comes across as arrogant (or ignorant), but not sure why everyone has been triggered into a state of rage. My reaction to the post was, ok, here’s a challenge...
Yeah because parents flip out when they get put to the test. Easily offended snowflakes when it comes to this sensitive topic. It's why parenting is still as bad as it was 30 years ago because nobody learns anything or feels shame for doing a bad job.
First my spouse wouldn't be this way because I'd be more selective in who I choose as a spouse but that being said here's what I say.
I have to work to provide for you, so there's not much I can do on that end. But we can discuss more of this in a bit before your tournament starts okay?
Then I go have a talk with dad.
Ok. But what if—while I totally disagree with criticizing a kid’s performance in sports and I never have said anything about it that wasn’t positive—I recognize that there’s some truth to the criticism from his dad, i.e. there are signs of lack of effort & of not doing his best. Do I just ignore those signs and tell him “good job” as I have been? Is there a way to get him to question if he is doing his best without criticizing. As for his dad, there are many positives about my husband, but I do find this particular quality despicable. I have spoken to him numerous times about it, and he says I’m too soft.
Honestly I wouldn't call it "despicable", but it is a flaw. Especially since he's not going about it the right way. It's tricky. A silver lining is it's better to have dad on this side of the spectrum pushing him to be tougher than the other side where dad is a bitch.
If I'm you I would stop with the good jobs because it's dishonest. I know it's encouraging but that's the healthy way to do it. Hopefully you can gently discuss this with your husband. Basically tell him this...
"I'm definitely on the same page with you as far as the boy. He lacks effort and needs to toughen up. However, we have a bigger issue now. He doesn't want you going to his games."
Then tell him what the boy told you.
He's telling you that you're too soft because you are. So what might be taking place is over-extending to cover for your softness because he doesn't want to produce a weak boy.
As the wife you're kind of limited to what you can do here, but if I'm dad this is what I do. I back off the kid a bit when it comes to his actual games, and focus on toughening him up outside of game time.
This is what I do. I take a stop watch and make the kid do sit ups, wall sits, push ups, run cones in the backyard, preaching effort. Make it exercise time, right before taking his shower every day. If he wants anything materialistic you can give him a weekly or monthly goal in order to achieve it, or just do it for nothing, while teaching him the importance of health. Work the laziness out of him proactively.
It all has to be done in an authoritative way, but a friendly way. No need to be a drill sargeant unless it's for moments at a time. Don't say good job unless he's actually doing a good job.
I think that’s good advice - thanks. And if you ever become a parent, I agree with you that you’d parent well. One thing that you had backwards, though: My husband isn’t compensating for my softness. I’m softer to compensate for his overly critical approach. But I get the points you made. Well said.