I turned 21 in October, meaning I just barely started adulthood. Yet my country already goes to hell when I JUST fucking started adulthood.
Before I turned 21 I was kinda dissatisfied with how my past was. Not saying it was bad per se as there were lots of good moments but I look back and wish I did things differently. Won't be specific about it but yeah. If Trump had just stayed in office and thus the country having itself kept together, I believed I could've had a bright and colorful future to easily more than make up for how I didn't feel super satisfied with my past.
But now I feel like even that opportunity has been very likely lost ever since this farce transition of power happened. I've said I would have had suicidal tendencies if Biden were to take over, and so far I indeed did contemplate suicide a fuckton. However I've been very slow on acting to do it because I live in a largely red state that is still currently alright living in (meaning if I lived in a shithole leftist controlled state I would've already exited life) and I felt like there was a tiny possibility of taking it all back.
Previously, I thought if by a tiny possibility we took back America, I then would be safe from suicidal thoughts and wouldn't have to contemplate it anymore. However, at this point I recently then changed my mind that I STILL wouldn't be safe from those thoughts after all, even if we did take it back. Why is that you might ask? Because most of my family has taken those experimental, mRNA "vaccine" jabs. After reading all the horror stories of people dying from those jabs, as well as those grotesque doomsday predictions that mass giant-scale death could occur during either the next flu season or some other time, I have never had worse panics inside me.
That most of my family took the jabs could very well be what hit the final nail in the coffin for me, mentally speaking. I am beyond AMAZED that none of them had any serious adverse reactions yet, surprisingly they still operate like they did before the jabs. Like, how? How is that possible? Even my grandmother who is still somehow doing just fine months after both of her shots.
Same for friends that I have known in school and community college. Surprised they're doing just fine afterwards.
While I'm shocked nothing has happened yet to my vaxxed relatives I still have big fears for them in the future. I told them to take vitamins and supplements to try to lessen the odds of anything bad later on. I am doubtful it would work much but I just felt like I had to do something about it. If ONE of them starts having something wrong with them then I would urge the rest of them do everything possible to save themselves even if it means being on a med bed.
Even if we rose up to reclaim America, and even if we went back to being a free country again, that still doesn't remove my worries for my vaxxed relatives. I have no intention of disowning them just because they made a poor choice... the important info just wasn't widespread enough on the internet to fall on enough ears. The future may still be really dark for me because of the fear of them dying from the vax long term effects.
Even if I were to be in a free America again, I feel like I couldn't make up for my slightly dissatisfactory past if my vaxxed relatives die. I'd feel like I would have lost all my chances to live life at it's best potential if that were to happen because of the memories with family. If my vaxxed relatives died, under the scenario of being a free country again I'd maybe only stick around for a few years but then ultimately decided to hang myself because relatives dead from something so easily avoidable is something that would put me in permanent depression and struggle to cope. I just feel too young for them to go so soon and I was not even remotely ready for it.
The only scenario where I'd likely be safe from ultimately hanging myself would be in taking back America AND if my vaxxed family can just get together and hang in there for a long while and do absolutely everything possible to stay alive for as long as possible.
But the fear is that that scenario looks so unlikely, almost impossible.. and assuming it doesn't come to fruition, I will just feel like a failed individual who never lived the kind of life I would've liked, having a past I wish I did differently in and not having the future to be able to make up for it and, possibly, not even having a future to begin with because totalitarianism brings no future unless it is stopped.
I wish I could just rewind time. It's too bad that is impossible. Anything to escape the potential permanent misery I might face in the future, which might unfortunately end up having to be suicide.
I feel mentally drained and lost. I have a big existential crisis and often question if anything is worth it anymore.
Im your age too, and while i can share your concern about your family, especially in this situation, you have to do well for yourself first. Made a decision to bring you into the world, to carry on their legacy, it would be even more disrespectful if you threw it all away. Failure(suicide) is not an option! As for feeling that everything is over due to not achieving anything. You need to remember that you are 21, you have a LONG Way to go. Its good that you are thinking about this now, what about our peers? They are screwed! You only have agency for yourself and i suggest you should start with meditation. You need to clear your mind, you are thinking about too many things you have no control over. Your family made the choice to do these things, you made the choice to follow your way, you MUST Continue to follow your way. Your family can only know how good your path is, when they see you doing well. You are the "Chosen one" of this story. I also suggest looking into trades or hobbies to build stuff. I write code in my normal day, but I have a hobby of Learning Blender, video-Editing, and im getting into LMMS(its like audacity). Remember bro, a Idle mind is the devils playground! You can do it. You aren't alone, and you will never be alone. Finally, you need to make peace with yourself mentally, Why do you hate yourself? Is every reason why you hate yourself in your control? Are you being too hard on yourself? What about you short term can you change to make better? You need to ask these questions and complete these minor improvements. Even something as simple as clean your room, or dishes. Its a task that needs completing. I may not know your situation, but this is a battle you must win, goodluck pede! We got your back!