I'm writing this here because I don't have many if any friends in real life, and usually kept to myself for most of it; and because I've been on this website reading through your guys' posts and making some of my own since we started the original TD in 2016. The people here are some of the smartest, most engaging people I know and this site and everyone on it gave me hope every morning that the world might be a better place.

I've struggled with depression for most of life, and always felt like I was out of place in the world. I've never known a real home, never had real friends, and I have maybe 2 family members that keep in regular contact with me and would even care if anything happened. I've always been good at many things, but more of a jack-of-all-trades but master-of-none type who could never figure out what he wanted to do as career, where he wanted to go or the type of person he wanted to be.

Out of high school, I wanted to join the military. Went through most of enlistment for the navy, where they wanted me to join their Nuclear program after I scored nearly perfect on every test they gave me. My recruiter told me the people at MEPS estimated my IQ around 155-160. I would've gotten to see the world, make decent money and learn a real skill I couldve made a career out of. I was however, only a dumb 18 year old with a girlfriend I thought I'd be with forever who cried and begged me not to leave; so I didnt. And she left me 3 months later "because I had no ambition".

So I worked dead end jobs, miserable and alone. I tried going to school, but I still didn't know what I was even doing there; I just knew I didnt want to be doing backbreaking labor for the rest of my life and needed a degree to do something else. And I flunked out. Over and over. I became addicted to alcohol, video games, sex with random people, the works. I was a complete mess. I dated a another girl for 2 years who I had just bought an engagement ring for, only to find out a few days later she had been cheating on me with 2 other people for an entire year of those 2. This started a downward spiral even worse than what I had been in previously.

After a few years of trying and failing to finish school, I met someone else who I thought I could really be with. She finished her own degree and found a good paying job in a different state so we left to live there. We were together 7 years, bought a home together, raised a puppy together. I thought I was finally happy despite the one caveat of still working shitty dead end jobs.

Then one day out of the blue, I wake up on a day off, thinking it was going to be a beautiful, fun day as she hands me a cup of coffee and says to me "when youre ready, we need to talk". I made a post about this about a week ago here... My girlfirend of 7 years who I thought I could finally make a happy life with decided we couldnt be together anymore because I told her I was never getting a covid vaccine. A few years ago, this wouldve been a non-factor; except her 90 year grandfather with the worst dementia possible passed away last year and some idiot doctor told her family it was because of covid; she then became a covid freak, looking down on anyone who says its a joke and that the vaccines dont help anyone.

I have less now than I did when I graduated high school 12 years ago. I've made absolutely nothing of my life, and because of that, it was at the mercy of this one person who had an emotional breakdown at me over an irrelevant covid vaccine. I would stay at our house if I had any real equity in it, but even though I've split everything 50/50 with her, the deed is basically entirely in her name as it was her grandparents that gave her a very generous down payment and my credit was not the greatest due to issues with trying to pay off the student loans I still had to pay off despite flunking out and never even getting a degree (its actually close to 800 now!).

My options now are to pack up my entire life and move to my mother's with no job, no career, no nothing. She lives in the legit middle of nowhere in the smallest town imaginable, so theres virtually no hope of making a life for myself there; but she's the only one on the planet who even gives a shit if I'm even alive. Or, I could stay here, in a town I hate and find roommates I wouldnt ever talk to just to help my pay rent so that I can continue working a shitty job in a state I dont even have family or friends in. Or finally, I could just...end it.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to die. But I dont have any will to live either; and nothing to live for. My life is a joke... The one thing that ever really made me truly happy was this little puppy I raised since birth, named, and loved him everyday. Animals aren't just animals to me, because I know that we're just animals too. He was my baby boy. That little guy is my sunshine.. and I'll never even get to see him again.

I just dont know what to tell my mom. I just want her to know nothing she ever did couldve stopped it. It just hurts too much and I dont see another way out. I have a genius level IQ and even I cant figure out another way to fix my life and make the pain stop. I hope she can see that. I wont be hurting anymore, and I hope she can find some solace in that.

If you read all of this, you proved exactly what I said in the beginning paragraph - you guys are awesome. I hope together you can bring the change and fix this country like we always wanted. See you around everyone.