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Comments (173)
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156
TyrantsAreCucks 156 points ago +157 / -1

Just a little mild permanent heart damage. Thankfully he didn't catch the common cold though.

79
fuckthealphabetsoup 79 points ago +79 / -0

Don't forget he'll "Come back stronger" - because heart damage really makes people stronger.

(I know the saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger; I don't think that applies to, ya know, heart and brain damage.)

39
ShadowyMrBlank 39 points ago +39 / -0

Dr. Hibbert: Oh no, quite the opposite. It's made you weak as a kitten. (Laughs)

16
LiteraIIyHitIer 16 points ago +16 / -0

Proceeds to slap, tickle, and ridicule Homer because he's defenseless.

20
TheDespotofCartoons 20 points ago +20 / -0

“No, stop…remember your hippopotamus oath!”

3
plaaaa 3 points ago +3 / -0

Where the laughter is 2 front doors level of indelible

27
Necrovoter 27 points ago +27 / -0

because heart damage really makes people stronge

It's true. After your fifth heart attack, you can bench press a semi, after seven, you can deadlift a 747. If you get to 8 heart attacks, you should probably slow down your vaccination booster rate.

11
Suspicious_0bserver 11 points ago +11 / -0

Who knew that we are actually Saiyan warriors, who get stronger after severe injury... 🤣

7
LawlAndDisorder 7 points ago +7 / -0

I’m sold! Where can I get some of this heart damage kind sir?

7
newrandomperson 7 points ago +7 / -0

If you get to 10, the bypass surgery is free!

8
GaslighterInChief 8 points ago +8 / -0

They are trying to say myocarditis is an effect of COVID infection. This is really easy to disprove. Look at Google trends for searches of 'myocarditis'. The first 9 months of the pandemic, nothing. After the introduction of the vaxx, searches start going way up.

1
createaccount 1 point ago +1 / -0

come back with a stronger heart attack

1
PubliusInvictus 1 point ago +1 / -0

Or syphilis.

28
biggerthanyours 28 points ago +28 / -0

Couple of weeks bed rest and he'll be fine. Thankfully it wasn't severe, like a cold. In time he'll be able to climb a flight of stairs by himself, you'll see.

10
toasty867 10 points ago +10 / -0

Would have been much worse!

3
nomoreprinkles 3 points ago +3 / -0

He heard "If I watch another episode of jeopardy or eat another chicken soup I'll kms!" and took it literally.

1
preferredfault 1 point ago +1 / -0

Fun Fact: myocarditis has a typical life expectancy of 5 years.

1
TyrantsAreCucks 1 point ago +1 / -0

Should be interesting and tragic to see what the follow up looks like for each of these people over the next five years

1
preferredfault 1 point ago +1 / -0

They're all going to be dead or nearly dead, regardless of age or fitness. Probably especially because of fitness though, because the younger they are, the more active they are, causing extra stress on a damaged heart.

70
SHILL_DETECTOR 70 points ago +70 / -0

MILD.

32
Dunkin4COVAIDS 32 points ago +32 / -0

Next will be a mild case of AIDS. Nothing to be concerned about.

22
SHILL_DETECTOR 22 points ago +22 / -0

Mild death thanks to the vaccine!

14
Necrovoter 14 points ago +14 / -0

Mostly peaceful, and maybe fiery, since inflation will mean your family can't afford a burial.

9
Peashout 9 points ago +9 / -0

They cremate bodies so fast now, in case someone does an autopsy and finds all the blood clots.

1
Enlightenment_Now 1 point ago +1 / -0

Do you recall the heat maps of China a couple of years ago?

How some places where showing so much heat that it looked like they were doing some kind of mass burning?

And whatever happened to the 20 million missing cell phone numbers in China?

1
NuttinInya 1 point ago +1 / -0

I'll put my money on China pulling a China over any form of COVID being threatening to the general public.

1
sackofwisdom 1 point ago +1 / -0

Tis just a flesh wound.

also

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdf5EXo6I68

17
Amaroq64 17 points ago +17 / -0

of the heart muscle.

Even that part of the sentence is downplaying it by saying "of the heart muscle" instead of "of the heart".

18
BillionsAndBillions 18 points ago +18 / -0

It's no big deal really. Ever since the sport began, dozens of players left the game or sadly passed every few months from heart problems. That's just the way sport has always been, don't you remember? So much overreacting to something so routine and expected...

9
RealityKnocking 9 points ago +9 / -0

It's just your heart. Not like it's important or anything.

5
KoolAidKid203 5 points ago +5 / -0

In NIH own writing, a mild case will result in death half the time 5-10 years later

1
FeebleOldMan 1 point ago +1 / -0

Any info for the mortality past the first 10 years?

54
TomWolfsTinyDick 54 points ago +54 / -0

Myocarditis means it's working.

20
BeijingJoeHastoGo 20 points ago +20 / -0

He's grateful for the protection the vaccine provided against more serious heart damage.

13
RealityKnocking 13 points ago +13 / -0

Six feet of dirt will stop covid transmission. It's working!

9
BillionsAndBillions 9 points ago +9 / -0

It's the ultimate in social distancing. That's true commitment to slowing the spread. What heros.

1
diverscale 1 point ago +2 / -1

It also solves climate change! What a deal!

8
TonsOfSalt 8 points ago +8 / -0

I just looked up the news story, and the myocarditis was supposedly after he tested positive for the virus.

8
Totalitarian 8 points ago +8 / -0

That's the sign of a real man, vaxxed, infected, and mildly heart damaged.

3
diverscale 3 points ago +4 / -1

Yeah that's the way they intend to escape this one I think. Blame it on covid and the unnvaccinated

37
William_Wallace 37 points ago +37 / -0

Using the term mild to describe myocarditis is akin to referring to a woman as "slightly pregnant"

His career is over.

4
syntaxError 4 points ago +4 / -0

This

2
Jimmyjetfuel 2 points ago +2 / -0

Or "big boned!".

36
rapsheet1mile 36 points ago +36 / -0

Phonsie ain't coming back...

10
Necrovoter 10 points ago +10 / -0

But he jumped 19 sharks with a patented move!

7
TommyJarvis 7 points ago +7 / -0

Step into my office…

1
Totalitarian 1 point ago +1 / -0

Ayyyyyyyyy

30
DonaldJTrump2020 [S] 30 points ago +30 / -0

This is one of the best left-backs/wingers in the world that took Canada to their first world cup in 50 years by the way, not just some rando.

14
AutisticSchizo 14 points ago +14 / -0

Not to mention that he's a Champions League winner too, and he's only fucking 21. Really tragic to see how much power and influence the global regime has all over the world even for athletes to take such a deadly shot.

3
syntaxError 3 points ago +3 / -0

If he doesn't start speaking out against the vax all of his success means Jack shit. He could take the narrative down if he wanted. 21 with myocarditis... unheard of

3
AutisticSchizo 3 points ago +3 / -0

Any player that age will be way too anxious to speak out about the detriments of taking the vax. There's without a doubt in my mind though that there are people out there who definitely regret taking the vaccine but will never publicly admit that they were wrong about the safety and effectiveness when taking it. Embarrassing TBH.

1
sackofwisdom 1 point ago +1 / -0

Any player that age will be way too anxious to speak out about the detriments of taking the vax.

I thought football players were supposed to be alpha Chads? Pathetic.

5
DontPanic 5 points ago +5 / -0

Got to see him play in Vancouver.

Sad he had to be another stat of the "totally safe shot"

27
reversethefraud 27 points ago +27 / -0

Mildly dying.

26
biggerthanyours 26 points ago +26 / -0

I had a case of mild motorcycle accident and I was fine. Except for mild limited use of my left hand and mild scars and mild crookedness of the ring finger on my right and mildly broken bones and mild tendon damage and a mild bruise on the right side of my body from shoulder to hip, that took several mild months to go away. I was told I would eventually need mild plates or rods in my left wrist to deal with the mild chronic pain. See all mild.

3
womp-womp-twice 3 points ago +3 / -0

Wow now that’s pretty mild!

8
biggerthanyours 8 points ago +8 / -0

Almost killed me mildly, but I was wearing a severe helmet!

1
NuttinInya 1 point ago +1 / -0

These two comments of yours should be framed. Well done.

2
biggerthanyours 2 points ago +2 / -0

Sincerely, thank you. Praise from patriots is most meaningful.

2
45isthebomb 2 points ago +2 / -0

Wasn't there a song in the 70's Killing me mildly....

24
hoppy-kangaroos 24 points ago +24 / -0

Mild myocarditis. The media always finds a way to make me lose respect for them. I've got to hand it to them. It's a skill.

1
TD_Covfefe_Crusader 1 point ago +1 / -0

Hey, they work hard at their propaganda.

1
wannabe 1 point ago +1 / -0

Like covid pneumonia.

22
For_All_Mankind 22 points ago +22 / -0

The fact the media always puts mild in front of that is really spooky. I don’t like it.

7
Totalitarian 7 points ago +7 / -0

How much don't you like it? Mildly?

3
TD_Covfefe_Crusader 3 points ago +3 / -0

It's mildly spooky.

16
NvJohansson 16 points ago +16 / -0

He brought Canada to the world cup for the 1st time in 50 years...

9
bangbus 9 points ago +9 / -0

Where are his ancestors from? Finland? Poland? Norway?

7
NvJohansson 7 points ago +7 / -0

Liberia

-1
TommyJarvis -1 points ago +7 / -8

In soccer though, so…

I mean it’s not a real sport.

12
NvJohansson 12 points ago +12 / -0

No sport is real or important.

2
TommyJarvis 2 points ago +5 / -3

MMA

5
NvJohansson 5 points ago +5 / -0

Fan from day 1, yet even that started boring me recently.

1
jarvis 1 point ago +2 / -1

I liked MMA better when guys all really practiced different styles. It was like real life Street Fighter 2.

Early UFC was ok, Very raw. Most of those guys had no business participating in real life fights. But the first few were just infomercials for Gracie Jiu-Jitsu and the tournament was all very methodically put together to exploit fighters weaknesses against Royce.

Pancrase was the first legit MMA imo. Almost everyone on those Pancrase shows were legit badasses. Minoru Suzuki, Bas, the Shamrocks. Weird rules, but almost all of those fights are fucking awesome to watch.

PRIDE was by far the best. Even when they had a guy who had no business participating in martial arts tournament (Bob Sapp) he had a huge lack of skill but has such freakish size and strength that it made him a challenge to guys like Big Nog and Fedor.

Now that everyone trains basically the same things, it's relatively boring. Don't tell me a dude is a Karate master because he did it as a kid and then when fighting he does all the same strategy, striking and grappling as everyone else. It's inevitable that the sport evolved to where it was, but it's not nearly as interesting or fun to watch.

2
NvJohansson 2 points ago +2 / -0

I loved Fedor, Sakuraba, even dummies like John Jones and Spider Silva. GSP snd Kabib were some of the goats, so was cormier, but boring even if they won. But you're right though, we're back to light weights with the same Styles and techniques it makes a really boring fights and you have heavy weights that are pretty much antiquated but still hanging around. U f c is drastically in need of a another Superstar to attract something different like they've always had at some point that they don't have now. Love him or hate him good or not, McGregor Ortiz Iceman, all these guys attracted crowds. We don't have that anymore at this time. That's what caused boxing its demise 20 years ago

1
jarvis 1 point ago +2 / -1

Also guys only fighting once or twice a year. In the 90's/early-2000's guys would sometimes fight multiple times per night. It's really changed for the worse.

1
TommyJarvis 1 point ago +3 / -2

Important? I argue that MMA is as close to pure sport as it comes, so I’d consider that pretty important.

4
NvJohansson 4 points ago +4 / -0

Like everything else unessential in this world, it's important if you deem it important. Once you turn something off, it ceases to exist.

1
Rubicante 1 point ago +1 / -0

That applies to literally everything.

1
syntaxError 1 point ago +1 / -0

Curious what you think a real sport is

0
TommyJarvis 0 points ago +1 / -1

Something not soccer

1
syntaxError 1 point ago +1 / -0

I hope you include American football as well

14
Angry 14 points ago +14 / -0

You do NOT "come back stronger" from myocarditis, dipshit.

You die from myocarditis.

7
HillarysBustedDonut 7 points ago +7 / -0

10 year survival rate is about 50%. "Mild"

12
Groundpounder 12 points ago +12 / -0

“Come back stronger!” -translation? Get your latest booster

7
BillionsAndBillions 7 points ago +7 / -0

Yeah, you don't ever come back stronger from heart damage.

10
AlphaOmaga 10 points ago +10 / -0

“Mild” means you wont die tomorrow. 10years 50/50. Poor shmuck. Maybe Pfizer has some medications that can help that too… OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT

1
GhostPepperedLabia 1 point ago +1 / -0

Hweird

8
DeadOverRed 8 points ago +8 / -0

So mild he can't walk

7
bubadmt 7 points ago +7 / -0

Common, stunning, brave, normal ❣️🤡

6
Lordfred 6 points ago +6 / -0

That's awful. Arguably the best footballer to ever come from Canada.

4
TommyJarvis 4 points ago +7 / -3

He looks totes Canadian

6
South_Florida_Guy 6 points ago +6 / -0

Yeah come back with stronger dead heart tissue

6
Keep_on_Trumpin 6 points ago +6 / -0

Only thing stronger when he's back is his stronger chances of dying within 10 years. Oopsies!

4
Yignuced 4 points ago +4 / -0

Totally normal

4
Delphi373 4 points ago +4 / -0

“Mild”

4
DonLemonParty 4 points ago +4 / -0

Lol, come back stronger. You’re funny ESPN.

3
nomoreprinkles 3 points ago +3 / -0

Anyone talking about your heart healing should have their eyes slit open. What? Heal back better!

3
jackasskicker 3 points ago +3 / -0

No coming back for Phonzie 🙄

3
Lol_Garrus 3 points ago +3 / -0

Just mild permanent heart damage

3
MAGA_____bitches 3 points ago +3 / -0

Phonzie jumped the shark

3
1DigitalDan 3 points ago +3 / -0

RIP "Pawnzie"

3
Bramage 3 points ago +3 / -0

woke espn can lick my balls.

3
becky21k1 3 points ago +5 / -2

yikes that needs a NSFW tag I almost lost my breakfast

8
South_Florida_Guy 8 points ago +8 / -0

What, you don't like the look of your average, native Canadian, bigot??

1
becky21k1 1 point ago +2 / -1

I see a couple folks want to fellate him, judging by the downvotes

3
CMDRConanAAnderson 3 points ago +3 / -0

VAIDS

2
Steveo19 2 points ago +2 / -0

It's from covid now. Not the jab. Sorry the jab gives u less myocarditis then the covid. So u know do your part.

2
sustainable_saltmine 2 points ago +2 / -0

Myocarditis is never "mild" and it's permanent. Your heart never goes back to normal size. And at 5 years it's a 50% mortality rate. He's done.

1
FeebleOldMan 1 point ago +1 / -0

What about after 5 years?

2
Psyop2020 2 points ago +2 / -0

Watched Bayern today win 4-0. Lewy got hat trick and his 300 league goal. Announcer said Phonzie suffered myocarditis from recent case of covid. First flu or cold in history to cause myocarditis, but that’s the claim.

2
SuperSilly 2 points ago +2 / -0

"mild"

2
SleeperCellPatriot 2 points ago +2 / -0

Yoda Voice

"Come back stronger, he will not"

2
barwhack 2 points ago +2 / -0

There's no come back. Prognosis: years not decades.

1
goat_nebula 1 point ago +1 / -0

There is no "mild" myocarditis. It doesn't get better. He won't be back.

1
Crockpot_fire 1 point ago +1 / -0

Pfonzie Pfizer!

1
JBJones 1 point ago +1 / -0

Can someone explain “mild”?

1
BillionsAndBillions 1 point ago +1 / -0

He lived, so, mild.

1
HadrianTheGreat 1 point ago +1 / -0

Thats not how myocarditis works

1
johnparker 1 point ago +1 / -0

End of career. Good thing he didn't catch a cold though. Could you imagine?

1
zentoco 1 point ago +1 / -0

One does not simply come back stronger after heart damage...

1
knnbccb 1 point ago +1 / -0

Prepare for 'early retirement' like Aguero.

1
IAmNotAnAutist 1 point ago +1 / -0

"Come back stronger"

That's physically impossible. He has lost heart muscle. It will never regenerate.

He will always be weaker. His career is over.

1
AlphabetAgencyFags 1 point ago +1 / -0

Honestly watching these dumb ball kickers and ball thrower die off has kind of been a silver lining to this madness. False idols, the lot of them

1
MAK90 1 point ago +1 / -0

Spoiler alert! He won't come back stronger.

1
jarvis 1 point ago +1 / -0

Three Gabonese players aren't allowed participate in AFCON because of "COVID-19 related heart damage". THREE. ON ONE TEAM.

1
TheFountainhead 1 point ago +1 / -0

It’s by design and intentional. Good luck fighting a war if you are myocardially coviditized

1
Sun_Tzu 1 point ago +1 / -0

“Mild”

1
Friar_Pede 1 point ago +1 / -0

At least the NFL players were smart enough to get fake vax cards