A number of things are obvious: you think you have Conservatives figured out; you think you know how to talk like us, and pander to us; you think we're stupid; you think we won't notice your weak attempts at mockery (mockery and sarcasm in written form take real skill and talent. You're a Leftist. You have neither, plus you guys can't meme and, like Satan, are utterly humorless.

I concur with PotatoFarmer20: you definitely aren't going to make it here. In fact, you've already failed.