So not normal T_D faire here, but was hoping for some guidance.
My personal background is that I was prior US Army and while I never saw combat, I was in the medical research side of the house. I saw some fucked up shit. From children dying to disease in 3rd world shitholes, to bodies rupturing due to the heat and lack of resources, to one dude even blowing his own head off due to sheer stupidity.
I could've ended up as one of these guys that was diagnosed with PTSD. I lucked out though. While that shit did fuck my head up for a few days on each event, I had an incredible Sergeant that would come to my flat (didn't stay in barracks there, even as an E-4), bring a bottle of Captain and some Dr. Pepper, play some video games with me, and talk. I seldom realized when we were talking about any specific event, but he had a way of dancing around the subject to get me to look at things from a different angle. A way to "put things into" a perspective that took the horror of the event away, and allowed me to see it in a way that, to this day, none of those events have traumatized me. I see them as "unfortunate" things that happen. Despite being directly involved in many of them, I can now see them "from a distance", like it was something I saw on TV.
I sincerely have no PTSD, and I'm not some sociopath with no empathy. He helped me. I had no idea what was going on at the time, but the alcohol let me have those conversations and literally did help. Don't take this to mean I think "getting drunk" solves anything, but at a point it does seem to let you talk things through, and maybe be more... open? to another view.
This was 20 years ago. I've got "bad memories" but nothing I'd qualify as PTSD.
My own dad went through some crazy bad stuff (Korean war, I think), and I remember even then, he never would talk about having to try to match his buddies' body parts in the right bags until the few times he had a few drinks.
Again, not trying to equate alcohol with therapy, but I can't help but wonder if there's a "there there".
So my current situation is I've become close buddies with a guy that did three tours in Iraq. He was on four separate missions where their vehicle was detonated and got away without a scratch. His mates, not so lucky. He's also seen direct combat three times.
He has legit PTSD.
He's on antidepressants that "work" according to him, but obviously has ZERO desire to discuss his time in...
Until we start drinking.
After a few drinks, he loosens up. He pulls me aside so as not to talk in front of his wife, and he WANTS to talk about his trauma.
I'm obviously not "qualified" for this so I divert, and shift the conversation, and at that point he starts slamming enough to get so drunk he goes to bed, leaving his wife to apologize, make excuses, and we call it a night.
So I know that the obvious "reddit" answer would be to "suggest therapy" or some absurdity along those lines.
This is the real world. "Therapy" has resulted in antidepressants and nothing more. He's a proud, successful man. I've no interest in those responses.
These discussions ONLY come up when we're having drinks. He clearly WANTS to talk about his demons and considers me a "confidant" as I've had only vaguely related experiences.
The thing is, I don't remember what the "magic sauce" was that my SGT had to say 20 years ago was. Hell, as much as he changed my life, I can barely remember his face.
So I guess the long and the short of it is, he doesn't just need someone to "listen". He needs... what? Understanding? Validation? Forgiveness? I don't know. And I've stopped him from talking about it for that reason.
What is it that someone with REAL PTSD is looking for? It's obviously not as simple as "just talking about it" but there's a need there. Something therapists and medication aren't answering.
Help me help him.
Yours is literally the only answer so far I think may have a chance to help, and the only one downvoted. I sincerely hope that was just a shill.
The "magic sauce" is your SGT helped you give the events a different MEANING. That's the same as giving you a different perspective.
The things that happened are the facts of the situation. You can't change that.
The** meaning** you give it is in your control - even the meaning you give the memories and images that pop into your mind.
I had a very intense experience. Images kept popping into in my mind. What I learned to do was every time one of the memories came up, I gave it the meaning, "This is one more person I'm going to help in this world."
Events happened. That's the fact.
You can choose the "story" you tell about any event:
Story 1: life is fucked up, I'll never get over this.
or
Story 2: Life is a gift. As long as I'm still above ground and breathing I'm going to get up every day with the goal of being the best man I can be, for myself, my family, and the people I care about.
We can choose either meaning. The choice we make is what's going to determine where we go in life.
And just love him. When you love him the right things to say and do will flow through you. Just being there for him is allowing him to heal.
Well, friend, first, I'm sorry that both of you have had these experiences. I'm biased, so keep that in mind. I think everyone's "need" for managing PTSD is different. I say manage because I'm not sure absolute resolution is always possible. But commonalities exist. I think just being able to have a friend to sound off with, to hear one's thoughts "out loud" and catch some other point of view, helps some with "understanding", and is a large part of managing. For many, I suspect, the issue is just trying to "comprehend" an event(s). That said, a couple of notes on my own journey: alcohol can be helpful: " ..give...wine unto those that be of heavy heart.." Proverbs 31:6 KJV. But that comes with a caveat, drunkenness is counter productive..."...they that tarry long at the wine...at the last it biteth like a serpent.." Proverbs 23: 31-2. Also, because this is close to me, has your friend had any head injuries? If so, his issue may be greater than just PTSD, he could be suffering from CTE. And finally, if forgiveness is an issue, only Jesus can satisfy that, I would recommend the Book of John KJV. I hope your friend finds some peace...
Ok, so I don’t know if I qualify as real PTSD to you or not but I have been diagnosed as such. I was beaten by both my mother and father for 7 years. They were both crack cocaine addicts and because of them not being able to feed me, not being able to show any affection towards me, and in general putting their self interest first I became a bit rebellious as a pre teen/ teenager. To quell my rebellion they would beat me until I could no longer stand up. When I got old enough to defend myself I would fight back resulting in me hitting my own mother on multiple occasions. I knew deep down I had to defend myself, but the pain of knowing that laying your hands on a woman has haunted me. Eventually this culminated with my father in jail (He would die 5 years later) and my mother passed away when I was 17. Anyway, I have since dealt with this pretty successfully, although still having my moments. The one thing that helped me more than anything was my girlfriend who I have been together with for 5 years. Before that, I was fuel by anger because I moved in with my no nonsense uncle who didn’t have time for me to be dealing with my feelings. My girlfriend has helped me with number 1. Listening: It is very important to listen and acknowledge what they went through. It can be very easy to think they should try to forget about it and move forward, but it isn’t that simple. 2. Understanding and Validation: Speaking of myself, all I want is for people to understand why I am the way I am sometimes. Is it a little selfish to have this sort of excuse card? Sure, but my brain doesn’t care. I just want someone to finally tell me, “We know what you have been through. We know you’re going to see things differently and be irrational sometimes. It’s ok, we get it. You lived through hell on earth for a while, you will never forget that. However, we can help you build new better memories.”
I appreciate your response, but I feel that this is a VERY different scenario. A life of abuse, and coping and dealing with that is very different than the abrupt trauma of seeing a friend dismembered in front of you. I'm not pretending that one is "worse" than the other, only that both are very different experiences playing on different parts of your psyche.
No I agree. I have no idea how it would feel to see some of the things that our brave men and women see. I’m not out here to play trauma olympics either, somebody always has it worse than you. Just from my perspective this is what has helped me. Thank you for your service.
I appreciate your insight. Don't get the downvotes.
You’re so fucking badass pops. Why don’t you tell everyone how badass you are?
Fren, EMDR helped me release a huge trauma. Very quickly. Research it. I believe it can help very serious mental anguish. Without drugs.
Google is near useless on this. Just a lot of sites referencing each other. What is it, how does it work, how do you get it, and what is the efficacy?
Not the person you are asking but I found these couple videos which seem to explain the concept:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKrfH43srg8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhaWIVK6ERI
You can read the comments on the second video for some anecdotal experiences from people who have used it.
Hope you are able to help him! You are an awesome person! ❤️
I know this sounds odd. Please, take a read... Have your bud hit the reset button. A reboot. Psilocybin mushrooms will flood his body with seratonin, better than any pharma drug can. Many medical studies have shown this to be effective. The effects last long enough to boost the brain up to 100%+ seratonin levels and then allow the body slowly return to a naturally regulated baseline when the drugs wear off. It helps people with non-PTSD depression, and i wager it would help your friend. Let him see the beauty of the world for just a few hours and be returned with that experience, and healthy seratonin levels. I know its illegal. However, there are trials of this therapy going on around the country. Maybe find one of those... Or take a walk thru a horse pasture and find some yourself (make sure its the right kind of mushroom). And obviously, stay with him the whole time.
Just my 2 cents. I hope he finds what he needs to be whole and healthy again. God bless.
Edit: not advocating for illegal drug use as a way of life. But i am suggesting a one time dip into the pond to see if he can find some peace.
WTF is wrong with you? Did you think this was "funny"?
Seriously, dude. Gross.
hello sociopath