Hey guys. Just looking to interact with people. My mother that I own a house with was diagnosed covid positive a couple weeks ago. She got really bad last night and I had to call 911. I wasn’t doing great so I asked her if she could stay the night. I guess that’s me being too over attached. We were supposed to talk after she got off work but she text me and said she’s going disc golfing with friends now and the more she thinks about it we aren’t worth salvaging. Guess she showed her true colors doing that on a day like today.
Sorry just needed to rant to someone.
It's not a bad thing to have things go wrong when you are getting to know someone.
It shows you how they act when things go wrong.
Things are guaranteed to go wrong sometme in your life with a woman. Find out early.
In fact, testing her with setbacks is something all men should do.
My frequent recommendation when people question the methods of my relationship longevity: take a long car trip together, as in going away somewhere the two of you will be overnight or longer. Not with friends or family (yet,) but just that new couple out there away from the convenience of the "safety nets."
Not that I'm wishing a "National Lampoon's Vacation" type of experience on anyone. But... even a short road trip for a night or 2 together gives the potential to see how someone reacts when a situation goes wrong (or more importantly, how you react together in the face of adversity.) Even if one thinks all the bases are covered any number of things beyond your control can go awry at random, from car or tire problems, lost/locked-away car keys, ATM cards not working properly.
And that whole exercise is not to see how much fun you have together, it's about finding out how well the two of you solve unexpected problems individually or as a couple. This is more important than you think, because in a long-term relationship it is folly to think nothing will ever go wrong, no emergencies or schedule conflicts, no unpleasant surprises. Some have better luck than others, some create adversity for themselves purposefully or not, or even make matters worse just because this is how they are programmed to react.
This is exactly how I knew my spouse was wife material, although I didn't do this test on purpose at the time. When things went awry on our early vacations, she was level-headed and concentrated on the problem at hand rather than going off on an attention-seeking tantrum (or worse yet take it out on me, as would be typical in any of my previous failed relationships.) Those experiences were a good indicator of how well she would handle life's unavoidable challenges and disappointments in the future. I've been very fortunate to have someone with these attributes, because 30 years of the opposite would feel like centuries rather than going by as fast as it seemed.
just the type of response I was hoping to find.
I see you too are a man of culture.
Thank you <3 <3 <3 That is a very valuable compliment : )
I don't necessarily dispense unsolicited advice, people really do frequently ask me "the secret" in sustaining a long-term relationship/marriage due to the relatively peaceful/cheerful/apparently trouble-free manner we conduct ourselves as a couple. I only volunteer counseling or advice to couples/individuals when their issues are so troublesome and the causes so obvious that I feel the need to try to help before things get any worse for them. (I say "try," because those problem-producing misbehaviors are deeply ingrained and it often results in one, the other, or both of them going off on me in the same rude entitled manner as they do to each other.)
Finding a compatible logically-minded partner who does not blow insignificant matters out of proportion is not a plus, it's a must if you want consistent peaceful coexistence. A partner who considers the consequences of their actions (and the rights & feelings of other people) also goes a long way. Even better is a partner who avoids unnecessary vanity and petty jealousy issues.
All of these qualities should be obvious attributes one should seek in a long-term relationship, because any one of those parameters being out-of whack can negate all the others being in order. Suppose everything else is "perfect," but he/she has a tendency to be rude in public or make a noisy scene for no valid reason. Maybe he/she has a tendency to say/do emotionally hurtful things, with no consideration for the long-term effects. Anything gone wrong on that wish-list can turn into a serious problem in the long run.
Obviously, many people survive marriages and long-term relationships for decades with none of those attributes in place. But that sort of existence is far from trouble-free, and that level of stress is not good for you. Just because you can have a relationship with someone doesn't mean you should, or that it is a good thing for either person long-term. Also, if a potential partner has extreme drug/alcohol issues this can either cause or worsen bad situations (and this applies to being a fellow substance-abuser as well as a teetotaler. Either both people will be whacked-out and no one knows where that will lead, or the sober person is distressed by a partner who gets blackout-wasted and denies/doesn't remember what transpired the night before.)
Example: A former work-mate's girlfriend broke up with him in a huge huffy tiff (via text messages, of course) while we were on an out-of-town job that had been planned for months. (Not just moved out, she left town completely.) Although their "relationship" was rocky and this had been coming for a long time, she used this crime-of-opportunity as an excuse to keep him distracted and ineffective while we were trying to work, knowing full well the importance of our assignment & the danger of our work environment (and our dire need to have him at 100% capacity, paying full attention to detail.) She accomplished what she intended to do, via the remote-control device in her cellphone: he went on a drinking binge and not only made expensive mistakes, but threw all pretense of safety practices to the wind. This only got worse when we got home: although he usually blamed her daily antagonistic deliberately stress-inducing rudeness for his inattention and heavy drinking, we had not yet seen the depths of his degeneracy. Between not showing up for work (or showing up blackout-wasted on pills + booze, no middle ground) he was fired, because he went from barely acceptable to completely useless. I would have never predicted that separating those two would actually make the situation worse, but there they go.
The moral there: any casual observer could look at that situation and see that neither of them are suitable long-term relationship material. If you put two extreme narcissists together, neither one having any capacity to admit wrongdoing- nor capacity to consider the consequences of their actions- that "relationship" will most likely result in daily outbursts of strife so intense that it affects everyone around them. I lost count of how many times the police had to show up to break up their fights. Everyone dreaded seeing them in public together, because that was the countdown to a noisy embarrassing incident. Of course this was not a problem for them because they do not understand tact and manners, thus they felt no shame at inflicting this disruption on everyone within earshot (or police radio.) A sensible person would heed the Red Flags that were obvious from the first time they met, and run from the possibility of spending ten years in that sort of situation. But... these are not sensible people.
>Spoiler alert: Those two are both screeching TDS cases, some of the noisiest anti-Trumpers I know. And... both of them have had felonies thus aren't eligible to vote. These may be the only things they had in common, apart from their drug/alcohol habits.
Anyway : ) I sort of went on there about the right way/wrong way stuff. (oops)
I was fortunate to have been raised by strict Christian parents who were also funny/interesting people. There has been very little divorce in my extended family, very little drinking and no drug problems that I know of. These are the examples I grew up with, so the things I see going downhill in our society are especially obvious. Most of my failed relationships were with girls who did not come from that sort of environment, or if they did, rebelled against it. This was my introduction to narcissism and deceptive/disruptive "behavior," and it took quite a few misfires to figure out these bizarre self-centered attitudes. Because I had been taught to treat others in a kind compassionate manner, I wrongly assumed this would be the case with relationships and society in general. Flattening that learning curve was a long and tedious process.
Therefore I try to help people if I can, so that they can avoid the pitfalls of an obviously flawed long-term relationship that is doomed before it starts. (And of course I advise against drug/alcohol abuse, because that can bring a whole new level of difficulty.) Most often, I'm trying to nudge them toward the idea of considering the future, and how actions in the present can affect ones' life for many years to come.
wow that was a great essay, you should save it so you can easily share with young people.
I always feel weird when I read posts on r/sex by young people who were raised in the church and then rebelled and think that they are better off living without a spiritual basis. It makes me wonder what their parents/church did to turn them off Christianity, and what will happen to them without a compass.