Dear Pedes,

I have an old friend who is out of his mind. Actually it's kind of pathetic. He has no sense of humor. Terminal case of TDS. I don't post about politics, I don't challenge him at all with his horrible Trump hating statements.

Anyway, I made a pretty decent joke on Facebook "Joe Biden should stop using Hooli technology."

I got a few likes and laughs but then he posts, "Donald trump lies for years, engages in tons of criminal activity, uses help from a foreign government in his own office seeking and is now negligently responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans and you're taking some sort of weird esoteric shot at Joe Biden? Seriously?"

I replied back, "They're called jokes."

His reply was, "Tell funnier jokes."

So pedes, I present to you my Saturday night masterpiece. Took an old joke and went overboard. My only goal is to wind him up. I'm pretty sure this will do the trick.

THE JOKE:

Joe Biden is campaigning in Nevada. After an exhausting day, he decides that he needs to go to a brothel.

At the first brothel, he asks the Madam, “Is this a Union brothel?”

The Madam replies, “Why do you ask?”

“Well,” Joe says, “I’m a Union Man. I want to make the sure the sex workers are treated fairly. What’s the split?”

“The sex worker gets 25% and the house gets 75%,” says the Madam.

Joe is beside himself. “That’s no way to treat a worker. Wait til I tell Bernie about this.” He storms out and goes to a second brothel.

“Is this a Union brothel?”

The Second Madam replies, “Why do you ask?”

Joe raises his voice, “I’m a Union Man. I am committed to seeing that all sex workers are treated fairly. What’s the split?”

“The sex worker gets 30% and the house gets 70%,” she says.

“This is unacceptable,” Joe steams. “I will not rest until all sex workers are treated with dignity and respect.”

Joe warily goes to a third brothel, “Is this a Union brothel?”

The Third Madam is surprised. “No one has ever asked me that. Why, yes. Yes, it is. Why do you ask?”

Joe proudly says, “I’m a Union Man. I am committed to fairness for all sex workers. What’s the split?”

The Third Madam says, “The sex worker gets 50% and the house gets 50%.”

Joe is a little leery. “What’s the catch?”

The Third Madam is indignant. “There is no catch. This is a Union shop. We engage in collective bargaining with our workers. We negotiate fair wages for fair work. We generously match all 401k contributions. Should anyone wish to transition to another occupation, we offer vocational training and tuition reimbursement. Our employer sponsored healthcare is second to none. There are no deductibles and no co-pays. And we certainly believe that our workers can choose when to start a family and provide all services, if needed, free of charge, along with counseling and paid time off, if such a difficult decision needs to be made. This is a Union shop, Mr Biden.”

Joe is impressed. He can now engage with a clear conscience. He sees a young (but legally aged), beautiful blonde lying on a plush couch. Her remarkable and athletic body covered only by the skimpiest sliver of a satin robe. She sees Joe, blows him a kiss, and with a single finger beckons him to come. Her dazzling smile and infectious laughter screams of consent.

Joe takes two steps towards her but suddenly feels the hand of the Madam on his shoulder. He turns to her, “What’s wrong?”

The Madam nods her head to a darkened corner.

An elderly woman, at least seventy five years old, a cigarette dangling out of the corner of her mouth, is playing solitaire. Her hair is grey and matted. Her makeup has been spackled on and is mismatched. The curvature of her back indicates an advanced stage of osteoporosis. Her tattered and see through negligee, unfortunately, leaves nothing to the imagination.

The octogenarian stubs out the cigarette. She coughs and hacks one out onto the floor. As she jams another Marlboro into her mouth she makes eye contact with Joe and grunts. She lights the cancer stick and flips over another card.

Joe looks to the Madam. He’s confused. She pats him on the cheek.

“This IS a Union shop. That’s Gladys. She has seniority.”