Forgive the long-winded speech. As I said, it's for catharsis.

I've become so much more insular over the years. It is so limiting and so exhausting, but the alternative causes me too much angst. I have reached a point where I can no longer tolerate any exposure to things other people wouldn't think twice about. I can't watch local news anymore because the way it's framed disgusts me. I can no longer trust that anything I read or see or hear is true. I can't watch modern movies or series anymore because the propaganda in them is so overt now that it spoils my enjoyment of it. Video games are even starting to head in that direction for me. Worst of all, I am finding it harder to relate to other people, even those I am close to. Any time people look to discuss anything related to modern culture or politics, I have to hold my tongue because my perfectly normal worldview is now taboo, somehow. Not to mention that deviation from the prevailing orthodoxy is dangerous now in ways it hasn't been before. I feel irritated by almost every event that takes place and by almost every person's reaction to them. I am so much less open. I am more often inside my own head than not at this point.

It feels like there are fewer and fewer places, online or off, where things make sense. It is genuinely like every moral lesson I ever learned growing up has been abandoned by almost all others (and I am only 28, so that's not even that long ago). Equality, justice, honesty, freedom, fairness, respect...all of these ideas have been perverted or trashed. It's as though I am totally surrounded by insanity; everything feels inverted. It makes me question sometimes if I am the insane one and my perception of reality is flawed.

I am faced with a dilemma. On the one hand, being isolated in the way that I am is damaging. I tell myself that it's my nature to be solitary, but I think I am lying to myself. On the other, participation in and even observation of current society is nauseating. It makes me feel too much hate (so, so much), which makes me want to dissociate more. I feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 2. Places like this are essentially the last bastion of normalcy left that I have access to. While I am glad I can come here for that, I also know that learning about what is happening out there drives me further into madness. What can I even do? Stare off into space and live inside my own head? I am far too young to be a drooling mess unaware of my surroundings. The world has changed so much and so fast, and in such a terrible way, that it almost feels like that would be best.

If I had to summarize the issue, it would be that who I am is incompatible with where and when I am. My identity has become untenable, and it's jarring. It feels like I'd have to let go of all of those lessons I mentioned to function properly in this filthy landscape I exist in.

Sorry to be a little bitch about it, but I need to let all that shit out every now and then. Thanks for reading, if you did. If you need to vent, I will read what you have to say.