I was in the grocery store the other day. I came up an aisle where two older men were arguing. One said to the other, “You’re going the wrong way, didn’t you SEE the arrows?”. The other man replied, “ARROWS? I didn’t even see the INDIANS!!”
They seat themselves, and have an loud and animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is drawn when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.”
“You swearing and cursing rude men,” the lady said in a very haughty fashion.
“We don’t talk about our sex lives in public places here!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the Italian.
“Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”
I would encourage you to really read that "mandate" carefully. Most I've read, including the one for my state, have caveats in them that make them fundamentally unenforceable
I was Walking late at night Down a Path in Central Park You know the one that leads to the Statues of Adam and Eve, Well anyway I got to the statue area and they were nowhere to be seen, Just this eerie Glow, as I was getting goosebumps I heard a Giggling in the bushes next to me, I cautiously walked around and to my amazement I Saw the statues had come to life, and had an antifa pinned to the ground. The Eve Statue stood up and says to Adam: " OK, Now You hold him down, it's MY turn to shit on his head"
well at lest they actually passed a law... where I live the mayor made an "executive order" cause apparently they think they can just make rules on the fly.
A man was having problems getting an erection.
He went to his doctor.
the doctor said that he had a rare condition that the typical medicines wouldn't fix, but that there was an experimental surgery: replacing the blood vessels in his penis with the muscles from the trunk of an elephant.
The man thought for a while and agreed. Surgery went off without a hitch and to celebrate, the man went on a date with a beautiful woman.
She was wearing a slinky spaghetti top dress and every time she'd lean over the table he'd get an eye full. He could feel an immense pressure in his pants so he unzipped his fly. The next thing either of them see is the man's appendage creep up onto the table, wrap around a biscuit and return from whence it came.
The woman said, "oh my goodness! That was very impressive, could you make it do it again?"
The man replied, "maybe, but I don't know if I can fit another biscuit up my ass!"
Three strings had a hard day and went into a bar after work. They grabbed a booth and the first string said to his friends “I’ll go grab some brews!”
He walks up to the bar and says “Hey Barman, gimme three mugs!”
The bartender looks at him and says “I’m sorry we don’t serve strings here.” He then turns away and begins cleaning some glasses.
The string is gobsmacked and walks back to the booth to his friends. “They don’t serve strings here! Can you believe that?” His friend heard the interaction and assures him it was just his attitude and a little kindness is what makes the world go round. He heads off to the bar and his friend sits down.
“Excuse me good sir, I would like three mugs of beer when you’ve got a moment” the string says to the bartender. “I’m very sorry, but it’s the policy of the establishment that we aren’t to serve strings here. Good day” the bartender replies.
Dejected the string returns empty handed to his friends and tells them what has transpired. The third string keeps his friends from leaving, saying “Just leave this to Chad!”
The third string walks to the bathroom and goes to the mirror. He dishevels his hair, musses up his beard, unties his work boots and undoes his belt. He then leaves and heads to the bar.
“Heya barkeep, can I get three beer?” he asks the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down for a second and askes “Hey, aren’t you a string?”
“Why no”, Chad responds, “sorry sir but I’m a Frayed Knot.”
HA!
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets??
Women.
am lady pede
legit kek'ed out loud
Not a lady and thought that was hillarious.
well of course you did
because you're part of the oppressive patriarchy that spews misogyni... ahhhh fuck it, i can't even type the words with a straight face
😂😂😂
That's fucking great
Hahaha, this is great because we my wife and I just bought some sheep last year!
Superb dad joke
I was in the grocery store the other day. I came up an aisle where two older men were arguing. One said to the other, “You’re going the wrong way, didn’t you SEE the arrows?”. The other man replied, “ARROWS? I didn’t even see the INDIANS!!”
Barump dump...
OMG you win the internet for the most relevant, timely joke
.. thx!! 🤣
i'm still chuckling over it
and you bet i'm going to use that line if i'm ever confronted over my wrong way shopping
What?
Top kek!
A snail goes to the dealership to buy a car.
Snail: Hey, there! I want that car over there. But I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of the car. Here's the cash.
Salesman: Sure, no problem! We'll have it ready this afternoon.
[The snail comes back in the afternoon, grabs the keys, hops in the car and speeds out of the parking lot and down the road.]
Salesman: Look at that escargot!
(get it...s car go)
ha ha i crack myself up
I am trying to think of a caviar pun, but I cant... Have an upvote instead!
what do you call a caviar taste test?
eggsamination
(i'll see myself out)
Eggsalmonation
ahhh dammit
i handed that one right to you
and, kek
Teamwork
A Jewish kid goes up to his dad and asks "Dad? Can I borrow $50?"
The dad looks at him and says "$40? What do you need $30 for?"
Lol. Yeah. I’m trying to remember where I heard that one before. I want to say Jerry Seinfeld. He was trying to see who got it and who didn’t
One of my favorite dad jokes. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him.
Good one!
Thank you. My favorite part about that joke is when I first heard it I was cracking up, yet no one laughs when I tell it.
Timing is everything!
What does a nosey pepper do?
He gets jalapeno business.
Ha!
Hey man, dont despair, masks are mandatory around me too. I never wear one.
Ignore the mandate, ignore the signs and the glaring Karens.
Be cheerful and kind. Set a good example and others will follow.
Fuckin a
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only saran wrap.
The doctor looks at him and says, "Sir, I can clearly see yer nuts"
Lol!!
What’s the difference between a blond and a washing machine?
You can dump a load in a washing machine on a Friday night and it won’t call you all weekend!
...I’ll be here all week.
"Knock-knock!"
"Who's there?"
"America left the"
"America left the WHO?"
Why yes, yes they did.
Shamelessly stealed from another pede.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They seat themselves, and have an loud and animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is drawn when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.”
“You swearing and cursing rude men,” the lady said in a very haughty fashion.
“We don’t talk about our sex lives in public places here!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the Italian.
“Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”
wow I haven't heard that one in a long time. jarred some memories of my uncle. Well done pede
This is almost too appropriate, since Mississippi is where we found our "small conservative town"... Top kek!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a bear with no ear?
A "B"?
No, a "buh".
Works better out loud.
(say this one out loud)
Did you hear about the inventory of the "Knock Knock" joke?
He won the Nobel prize.
I would encourage you to really read that "mandate" carefully. Most I've read, including the one for my state, have caveats in them that make them fundamentally unenforceable
Wear a Trump/Pence facemask around and enjoy the thumbs up.
Did you hear about the movie Constipated?
It isn't out yet.
I will give you two:
Ha!
Don't be too depressed, many people act out of fear, keep encouraging them towards normality. Also I only know political jokes :(
Finally, a history joke : )
I was Walking late at night Down a Path in Central Park You know the one that leads to the Statues of Adam and Eve, Well anyway I got to the statue area and they were nowhere to be seen, Just this eerie Glow, as I was getting goosebumps I heard a Giggling in the bushes next to me, I cautiously walked around and to my amazement I Saw the statues had come to life, and had an antifa pinned to the ground. The Eve Statue stood up and says to Adam: " OK, Now You hold him down, it's MY turn to shit on his head"
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
well at lest they actually passed a law... where I live the mayor made an "executive order" cause apparently they think they can just make rules on the fly.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? ...
A: Russell
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the beach? ...
A: Sandy
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? ...
A: Bob A2: Fucked
I just carry around a cheap thin mask just to placate the masses... not wearing anything fancy.
A man was having problems getting an erection. He went to his doctor. the doctor said that he had a rare condition that the typical medicines wouldn't fix, but that there was an experimental surgery: replacing the blood vessels in his penis with the muscles from the trunk of an elephant.
The man thought for a while and agreed. Surgery went off without a hitch and to celebrate, the man went on a date with a beautiful woman.
She was wearing a slinky spaghetti top dress and every time she'd lean over the table he'd get an eye full. He could feel an immense pressure in his pants so he unzipped his fly. The next thing either of them see is the man's appendage creep up onto the table, wrap around a biscuit and return from whence it came.
The woman said, "oh my goodness! That was very impressive, could you make it do it again?"
The man replied, "maybe, but I don't know if I can fit another biscuit up my ass!"
Not a joke, but if your town really is conservative no one will give you any crap for not wearing one. It was like than in the small towns around me.
What's brown and sticky? ............................. a stick
Dark joke...
What's pink, ten inches, and make my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Three strings had a hard day and went into a bar after work. They grabbed a booth and the first string said to his friends “I’ll go grab some brews!”
He walks up to the bar and says “Hey Barman, gimme three mugs!” The bartender looks at him and says “I’m sorry we don’t serve strings here.” He then turns away and begins cleaning some glasses.
The string is gobsmacked and walks back to the booth to his friends. “They don’t serve strings here! Can you believe that?” His friend heard the interaction and assures him it was just his attitude and a little kindness is what makes the world go round. He heads off to the bar and his friend sits down.
“Excuse me good sir, I would like three mugs of beer when you’ve got a moment” the string says to the bartender. “I’m very sorry, but it’s the policy of the establishment that we aren’t to serve strings here. Good day” the bartender replies.
Dejected the string returns empty handed to his friends and tells them what has transpired. The third string keeps his friends from leaving, saying “Just leave this to Chad!”
The third string walks to the bathroom and goes to the mirror. He dishevels his hair, musses up his beard, unties his work boots and undoes his belt. He then leaves and heads to the bar.
“Heya barkeep, can I get three beer?” he asks the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down for a second and askes “Hey, aren’t you a string?”
“Why no”, Chad responds, “sorry sir but I’m a Frayed Knot.”
Did you know canned beans can't go over 239 beans per can? If they add one more, it's too farty.
I always heard this one as a recipe for Irish bean soup.
I love dad jokes.
Knock Knock...
Who's there?
All I know is Jeffrey dahmers family had a bitter dispute over what to do with his remains
This joke sucks! Booooo
The guy wanted jokes guy