I got out of the Navy in 2008.
I started dealing with my friends killing themselves off before I got my honorable.
I had more than enough after I was discharged.
After losing friends while active, and after they got out to suicide I swore I would keep living to honor them and live the lives they couldn't.
It is getting more difficult everyday. I'm feeling PHYSICAL PAIN from the fact that I can see data and patterns while the entire world is just giving into feelings and forgetting what happened 5 minutes ago.
I'm in the works of getting my VA disability increased because of this and extra therapy sessions, but all I get is platitudes and "just go along with it, you need your job" kind of shit.
I am SOOOOOOOO fed up with it. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING FED UP WITH IT.
If I were not a man of my word, I would not be here right now. I am a man of my word and I will be here until the bitter end.
You do not have to fight every battle. Remind yourself of this, and fight the ones that you win and that matter.
There's so little I can fight at this point.
I quit my job, letting them know why. (they already felt the pain and worked on restructuring)
I don't have my outlets anymore.
I'm not violent but I'm on the verge of responding with a fist when someone says something wrong. I don't like being that way.
I don't have control of my mind anymore. I've always been smart and articulate, I'm worn down. I don't have that. I can't even fucking have my job to lose myself to because of this shit.
Start small, and do not forget who you are. Sounds like lame bullshit, but get a hobby that is cheap to maintain (wood carving/whittling). And lean on your fellow vets. Shit, go to the VFW.