I got out of the Navy in 2008.
I started dealing with my friends killing themselves off before I got my honorable.
I had more than enough after I was discharged.
After losing friends while active, and after they got out to suicide I swore I would keep living to honor them and live the lives they couldn't.
It is getting more difficult everyday. I'm feeling PHYSICAL PAIN from the fact that I can see data and patterns while the entire world is just giving into feelings and forgetting what happened 5 minutes ago.
I'm in the works of getting my VA disability increased because of this and extra therapy sessions, but all I get is platitudes and "just go along with it, you need your job" kind of shit.
I am SOOOOOOOO fed up with it. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING FED UP WITH IT.
If I were not a man of my word, I would not be here right now. I am a man of my word and I will be here until the bitter end.
There's so little I can fight at this point.
I quit my job, letting them know why. (they already felt the pain and worked on restructuring)
I don't have my outlets anymore.
I'm not violent but I'm on the verge of responding with a fist when someone says something wrong. I don't like being that way.
I don't have control of my mind anymore. I've always been smart and articulate, I'm worn down. I don't have that. I can't even fucking have my job to lose myself to because of this shit.
Start small, and do not forget who you are. Sounds like lame bullshit, but get a hobby that is cheap to maintain (wood carving/whittling). And lean on your fellow vets. Shit, go to the VFW.