I don't usually share this level of personal shit on here, but I think it might help you. I was never in the military, but I did witness two of my friends murdered when I was a teenager. I wasted a lot of years on rage, drugs, revenge fantasies, finding people that "deserved it" and beating the living shit out of them. Im also pretty immune to the programming. I met a retired secret service agent in the late nineties that got drunk and told me some serious shit about the clintons killing Vince foster. He claimed to have been there. Anyway I want you to know that I probably don't understand exactly what you are going through, but our experiences are close enough that I can have true compassion for where you are at. The turning point for me was the day that I realised that my responsibilities come from God. What I mean is that God only requires me to be responsible for that which he has placed me in charge of. Focus on making the world a better place within the reach of your arm. The best way to honor your friends is to find somebody that needs a friend and be that friend. Also I found it helpful to get out of the city. You don't have to quit your job, or move to the dark side of the moon, just get out among the trees a little bit. Start a garden and eat from it. Get yourself financially secure and be a part of your community. I swear to God the type of woman you want will show up out of the blue once you do that. Also, if possible get a dog. Being a caretaker is good for a man's soul. Save my username man. I'm on here every couple hours. Holler at me if you ever need to talk.