I got out of the Navy in 2008.
I started dealing with my friends killing themselves off before I got my honorable.
I had more than enough after I was discharged.
After losing friends while active, and after they got out to suicide I swore I would keep living to honor them and live the lives they couldn't.
It is getting more difficult everyday. I'm feeling PHYSICAL PAIN from the fact that I can see data and patterns while the entire world is just giving into feelings and forgetting what happened 5 minutes ago.
I'm in the works of getting my VA disability increased because of this and extra therapy sessions, but all I get is platitudes and "just go along with it, you need your job" kind of shit.
I am SOOOOOOOO fed up with it. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING FED UP WITH IT.
If I were not a man of my word, I would not be here right now. I am a man of my word and I will be here until the bitter end.
Reading through your replies here, I see a common thread: lack of community. Know that you're not alone in this, at all. It's gotten pretty common, especially among men in your age group. I could recommend all sorts of hobbies and other activities to take your mind off it, but the hard truth is that filling time with activities that are only satisfying on the surface, is good for at best a brief respite. I know from experience.
I've a couple thoughts to offer, but before I say anything understand that I'm not kidding when I say lack of community is pretty common. I share this journey with you, many men today do. Ironically, that means you do have a community, even if it's not the one you want.
Hedonism is the enemy. It can seem attractive, and offers a quick way to fill your time, but at the end of the day you're after something bigger and more fulfilling than just dribbling your life away a day at a time with 'fun'. So, you need to seek out community that offers something deeper than a hookup, or the rush of jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. Get ye to Church. Don't believe? Last time I checked, they aren't doing purity tests at the door. Again, I'm struggling with this same thing, right now, in my own life. Not easy. We've got to do it. It's bad option vs. Not An Option. And don't let anyone make you feel like you don't belong, because you do. That's not up to them, it's up to God, and God loves non-believers, as any decent pastor will tell you.
You mentioned that you smoke. I'm not a clinician, but I can tell you this: many, many times in my life I've had friends that smoked who hit a patch of depression, and it was never a good combo. If you have someone in your life that is familiar with your weed habit, someone you can be mutually honest with, ask them if smoking is a problem for you right now. Tough medicine, but brother I'm telling you, this is not a judgment you can make for yourself right now. People who are chronic smokers sometimes have their relationship with weed change over the years. Just because it was a healthy habit, doesn't meant it stays that way forever.
They have been striving to destroy community for a long time. I've noticed it for 10 years, it's a trend.
I agree with the hobbies. I have a few that help fill the time but the competition is what I need. I need to debate and compete. I can't do that now. That's been destroyed since I was on the left.
I smoke to get the desired results of the my doctors. Their meds doing a million times more harm than good. Smoking some weed? (if you understand the different strands/effects of CBD/THC) It can be helpful. It's better for me than all they prescribe. I just won't get the medical card because I prefer to stay armed.
Crutches aren't bad, until you rely on them. That goes for all in life. My brother's baby mama has been on suboxone for over a year now. That's a hell of a proof the meds they give aren't any better if not being used correctly.
I mentioned before, I'm all about recognizing patterns and data. I know people that have been properly taken off of pills/heroin via suboxone but I know far more people that have died from OD or are on it permanently than the other.
I don't know much of anything technical about weed, all I know is from 2nd hand observation. I've seen guys who lead a fully functional life with it get deep into a pit of despair, and they took the express route. All of them required medical intervention to get out of it, and each agreed later that weed was a compounding factor. Didn't cause the depression, just made it impossible to escape without becoming a medical crisis.
Maybe you're different. Like I said, I'm no expert, can't even say I know what it's like to smoke, since the couple times I did it as a kid I was so hammered I didn't feel anything. I just know that self-evaluating your self-medicating habit as normal and non-problematic is a rationalization as old as time. Me, I'm a drinker. Not heavy, and not often, but I do drink. If someone, anyone at all who knew me well enough to have an opinion, came to me and said "I think you have a drinking problem", I'd be going somewhere to have that shit evaluated ricky tick. Not because I agree, but because I know how insidiously substance use can turn into substance abuse.
The problem with weed is that the effects from abuse are much more subtle and slow than you'd see with other drugs.
Benzos, which are prescribed for anxiety, have the same effect on the brain as alcohol.
It's all about behavior. Don't compartmentalize, learn the chemistry.
I'm not bashing your nor disagreeing.
Didn't think you were. All I can do is share my experiences, up to you to decide if they're relevant to your situation. As a non-smoker, doing a deep dive into the brain chemistry of marijuana use is going to be pretty low on my priority list. Just being real. Not because it's not interesting, but for me it'd be more of a pure academic exercise, education just for the sake of it, and if I'm going to do that I'd probably read more about how the Finns kicked Ruskie ass in the Winter War, or something else involving communists dying. Maybe that's just more hedonism, though, since it makes me feel good and is otherwise pointless.
Our modern world does not make meaningful interactions easy to find. You have to both actively search for it, and block out the endless distractions that seek to lead you astray. That last part is the real bitch.