I got out of the Navy in 2008.
I started dealing with my friends killing themselves off before I got my honorable.
I had more than enough after I was discharged.
After losing friends while active, and after they got out to suicide I swore I would keep living to honor them and live the lives they couldn't.
It is getting more difficult everyday. I'm feeling PHYSICAL PAIN from the fact that I can see data and patterns while the entire world is just giving into feelings and forgetting what happened 5 minutes ago.
I'm in the works of getting my VA disability increased because of this and extra therapy sessions, but all I get is platitudes and "just go along with it, you need your job" kind of shit.
I am SOOOOOOOO fed up with it. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING FED UP WITH IT.
If I were not a man of my word, I would not be here right now. I am a man of my word and I will be here until the bitter end.
I hope you can give the Bible a read, if nothing else. Don't worry too much about the faith just yet. Just read it and see if you can agree with the wisdom it contains. If you find you can, then pray for God to kindle His fire in your heart.
I was adamantly atheist until my husband prayed over me a month or so after we got married. Scales almost literally fell off my eyes and heart, instantly. It was such a crazy feeling. Tbh we don't go to church, we read the Bible and try to be good people, I talk to people about it here and there, and it is enough.
I'll let you in on a little secret.... you can have deep faith in God and not have faith in "human religion" or dogma. The Bible contains all the knowledge you need to know. If you do end up going to a church, don't let them interpret it for you. Let your questioning nature work for you, in this case as well ;)
Btw, thank you for your service, and also your strength. I lost a brother to suicide, and I had to make a similar promise to myself, that I wouldn't put my father through that pain again. At times it was all I had, so I know part of what you feel. But hang in there, and get out and meet as many like-minded people as you can. It can get better, and it does. God bless and protect you, friend.
I've actually read the bible a few times. Christians have provided immense help. However, faith doesn't work for me.
Accepting things blindly is what's wrong with everything. Look at the left. I'm not bashing you, I'm just saying that facts matter. If you can't prove it, it's personal and should stay such.... Unfortunately.... we're bending over backwards to accept the left's subjective feelings as reality.
I get where you're coming from, but I don't think my faith is blind. I've read the whole Bible extensively, even as far as to look into the Hebrew and Greek. The laws and history make logical, rational sense to me, and the parts I don't understand are either obscure references to old prophecies, or perhaps haven't yet come to pass. I've also experienced miracles, and know of friends and family who have too. There's also near-death accounts, and idk if this would even help you at all, but Mark Taylor prophesied Trump's election before he even ran. I suppose you do have to at least believe that the Bible IS historical record, and that the events in it occurred, even the miraculous ones, even the fact that prophecies written in the Old Testament came to pass in the New. But I also see God's hand in the way that the earth itself functions, in every strand of coded DNA. Do you believe in evolution? Because that is a huge leap of faith in itself.
I also think that it's one of the best handbooks for morality you could ever find. Simply to want to follow its guidelines would show enough belief. This notion of having to "believe in belief itself" before you can know God is making it into some miracle you must perform without help, obscuring the reality of how easy it is to actually trust in a higher power. It's NOT on the same level of believing in the tooth fairy, God exists whether you believe He does or not. You either trust in His commandments and Jesus's words and have faith enough to follow their command, or you don't.
For unbelievers to put the burden of proof on the believer, is merely shifting the responsibility from themselves. You either find enough faith to follow His code for living a good life, or you have enough faith in the middle of some dark night to ask Him directly to open your heart to it.... Or you don't. It's not on me to prove the ever-living God exists. He just does, with or without your faith.
The Bible says to do some pretty fucked up shit tho...
You sure you're not using it as a mirror?
You might think that's an insult, but I could only hope to see myself reflected in the Bible's pages, or better yet, it in me. God had some strict rules for the nation of Israel to abide by while He had His abode with them, but that doesn't change God's holiness and ultimate message of forgiveness and mercy and love, sir. Do you have time for this conversation? Because if you wish to bring up some examples we can talk about it.