I agree with this becasue of the magnitude of the lie/omission. But, redemption is a central tenet to Christianity. She will have to answer to the Big Guy, but you 2 could still have a good marriage. Go for broke and speak openly about it with her. Pray on the outcome, let the chips fall.
Women lie, she lied about telling you it was only 1 and is trying to gaslight you.
Having an abortion interferes with your ability to carry a child when you actually want to give birth. She might be irreversably damaged.
If she's a solid partner try to work through it. Sounds like she's OK now? The world is a fucked up place especially for young people, mistakes happen. But if its interfering with your ability to procreate you gotta look at your options realistically. I'm not going to tell you what to do.
If you aren’t married you shouldn’t be trying for a baby. Your children have the right to a mother and father who are exclusively and permanently committed to each other.
Yeah man, i hear you and i hope you believe me when i say i’ve been there. These are some significant red flags, canaries in the coal mine if you will, of some larger characterological pathologies.
You also mentioned her having a bad past or something to that effect. It’s typical for men in that situation to want to play savior and have the women fall madly and permanently in love with him forever - ie “captain save a ho”. Stay mindful of that and consider giving some reflection if you’re in that dynamic.
Are you married? Has she fully committed to you? I would pump the brakes on having a baby with someone that's not in it for the long haul. It's easy to say "we're together". It's a lot harder to make the full commitment, which you should probably really give serious consideration in this case.
Then you have to make your peace with it and move on. It either bothers you enough to ward you off, or you commit to her and let it go.
It's not fair to either of you to have this hanging between you as a club that can be brought up to beat each other with during every argument for the rest of your lives.
Love is a choice (head) and a feeling (heart). You are in a mess and you aren't thinking clearly. Think very carefully before you spend years watching this woman destroy you and your kids. People with issues like this are not self-aware that they have issues like this. It's a long road out. If you are going to walk it with her, at least do it before you have kids.
I know this is hard to hear, but being a true Christian actually means following the Word of God. "Got together" and married are not the same things. You are leading your relationship under a banner of deception, so the fact that there is other deception going on shouldn't be a surprise. Your foundation is deeply flawed in this situation- don't build a house on it or bring an innocent baby into that mess. Get things straightened out, please.... for both of your sakes.
The abortions are not as big of a problem as the lying. Think hard about any other red flags you may have "compartmentalized" to stay with this woman, before you bring a child into the situation.
You should not be trying to have a baby until you get married. You have no commitment from this woman. If you love her and want a baby get married first. You have things backwards.
It seems like you are not married and that she has been dishonest in a very significant way. There is no legal and binding commitment, and there is a major omission of information. I would not stay in this relationship. It seems unhealthy to bring a child into this partnership.
She is an actual victim of the Leftist brainwashing that has been going on for decades now. Abortions are no big deal they said. It’s not a baby. Having babies young will ruin your career. Etc.
I would give that some consideration.
I personally do not ask a woman about her past because there are some questions that I don’t want to know the answers to. I suspect you really don’t want those answers either because they will lead to more questions. And you really don’t want to know those answers. It’s one thing if she wants to voluntarily share it with you but if you go digging she will resent you and then you will regret the answers which will end the relationship.
I am not religious but I am pro-life. If not for Abortion, I would have 4 kids today instead of none. I didn’t have a say in any of those abortions. And yes, I wore a condom in 3 of those but it broke. I was younger and dumber back then so at the time, it didn’t bother me but now it does even though I wasn’t the one that had the abortions, it still haunts me. I feel like an accessory to a crime.
If you’re a Christian, I am not, you can either stick with the program and forgive her if you honestly believe that she has changed her position and the past is in the past. Perhaps go see a pastor together if that’s your bag. It might help you both come to terms with this.
Of course she lied. She’s ashamed. She didn’t lie to hurt you, she lied so she wouldn’t lose you. You say she had a rough past and you may be the first good thing to come along.
If you have a disconnect on the children issue (the most important one), I would imagine that there will be other issues you see differently on. Not to mention that she sounds like a liar. Time to make a break and move on.
My friend there are a lot of people who tell you to end the relationship when you ask for advice on the internet. These people aren’t invested and you are. I recommend you don’t listen to the ones who give one liner “Dump her!” The ones with more thoughtful answers will be more helpful.
We do live in a bad time for women. They are dealing with an unstoppable force of Leftist feminist indoctrination. This isn’t her fault. It’s not her fault that her world view got so skewed it would only be reasonable to accept that they need a period of time to fuck things up only to realize that every thing they were taught is wrong.
I am sure this is why christianity teaches forgiveness. But it is impossible to forgive some one who doesn’t want to improve and change (not saying she is this way).
The possible gas lighting and lying to you is a huge issue. And there could be many reasons for this. She is probably insecure in her position towards you. I highly doubt that she told you she had 3 when the subject is a very big issue for you and you distinctly remember her saying she had one and even then that was a big issue.
Even though you are proclaiming that the abortions are the main issue I believe its not. It’s the lies and deception thats causing you more grief. How can you know how she feels or what she believes if she is willing to deceive some one close to her? This is a symbol of her values and your value to her.
If you truly want to know why she had so many abortions, she will have to change her value system to be more honest before she can even give you an honest answer.
If you want to fix this I recommend her a therapist with the intention of it being a couples counseling from time to time. Please, please, please vet your therapist they are subject to the same leftist indoctrination. I really recommend you get some old fat conservative white dude with a beard and not a woman, unless she is actually really good at her job and not going to divulge into the female cycle of grievances that’s really popular among women today.
You can’t save her you will only look like the bad guy trying, or she will perceive you that way. this is why I recommend a therapist. you do not want her thinking you are the enemy.
While she is in therapy you should consider is there something you are doing that might be doing to make her feel that she should lie to you. If the conversation ever comes up and you ask her if there is something you can improve upon be prepared to be gas lit again. it is very easy to deflect your problems onto others thus being the bad guy for just wanting a honest conversation about your possible failings as a partner, I would recommend doing this with a trained mediator like a therapist.
Of course there is much more I can say but to end on a note of christian teachings
Jesus carried the cross to help every one else other than him. This allegory is a form of cultural technology makes better societies and helps those around them at the cost of the individual. It is very sacrificial. Is this the weight you wanna carry? Just for the chance of someone in the future might decide they actually want to change? This is something you have to decide yourself. You can Ask WWJD and it is good advice, but remember there is a difference between the actions of Jesus and a “captain save a ho“
Also beware there are a lot of red flags with this one.
You don’t want to be the only one in the relationship with standards. I would leave her, assuming you’re not married. There are lots of single christian women out there that you don’t have to be the conscience for.
A relationship must be built on a foundation of absolute trust. Lies are like putting lit dynamite in your foundation.
That nagging sensation is your sub-conscious telling you something is missing. My wife and I have been together sixteen years. She lied to me about some things and that feeling did not go away until everything had been brought out into the open. I was willing to throw it all away because she took another man’s word over mine.
God interveened and sent me some messages, to keep fighting to save the relationship. We got the help of a counsellor but it took a number of sessions and a lot of money to get there.
Try everything you can to save your relationship but if that nagging sensation won’t go away then there is only one option... move on.
You gotta air it out. Do whatever you trust in your heart thereafter. You're already worked up over...dont let that stew into a lifetime of wonder. Hell, dont do it to her! It isn't fair to carry around such worry if you have it. If she's that nice, abortions aside, you owe it to her to let her speak to the concern.
You say you're trying to have a baby, if so, how will you ever know if in fact your partner will see a pregnancy through or if she will just run off and have a mother abortion without your knowledge? Sounds like there may be some kind of incentive for this woman to say she agrees with you to have a child, but I doubt she would go through with it.Find yourself a nice girl you'd be proud to bring home to mom.
Doesn't sound like you're married, I'd walk away before you bring a child into the mix.
I agree with this becasue of the magnitude of the lie/omission. But, redemption is a central tenet to Christianity. She will have to answer to the Big Guy, but you 2 could still have a good marriage. Go for broke and speak openly about it with her. Pray on the outcome, let the chips fall.
Agree. And try praying together.
Run. For. Your. Life.
Do NOT Pass Go, Do NOT collect $200.
DO NOT LOOK BACK.
I would personally get the fuck out
Sounds like she is the one that needs peace
Women lie, she lied about telling you it was only 1 and is trying to gaslight you.
Having an abortion interferes with your ability to carry a child when you actually want to give birth. She might be irreversably damaged.
If she's a solid partner try to work through it. Sounds like she's OK now? The world is a fucked up place especially for young people, mistakes happen. But if its interfering with your ability to procreate you gotta look at your options realistically. I'm not going to tell you what to do.
If you aren’t married you shouldn’t be trying for a baby. Your children have the right to a mother and father who are exclusively and permanently committed to each other.
Forgive. And pray that she asks almighty God for forgiveness.
You don't make peace with this...you leave the relationship. Period. Just walk away
Not being fully forthcoming with the other 2 other abortions at the start = hiding the truth = lying. Be very careful.
Also, that bit about you “forgetting” that she told you she had the other 2 abortions is gaslighting. Personal advice: gtfo there my friend.
Yeah man, i hear you and i hope you believe me when i say i’ve been there. These are some significant red flags, canaries in the coal mine if you will, of some larger characterological pathologies.
You also mentioned her having a bad past or something to that effect. It’s typical for men in that situation to want to play savior and have the women fall madly and permanently in love with him forever - ie “captain save a ho”. Stay mindful of that and consider giving some reflection if you’re in that dynamic.
Are you married? Has she fully committed to you? I would pump the brakes on having a baby with someone that's not in it for the long haul. It's easy to say "we're together". It's a lot harder to make the full commitment, which you should probably really give serious consideration in this case.
Then you have to make your peace with it and move on. It either bothers you enough to ward you off, or you commit to her and let it go.
It's not fair to either of you to have this hanging between you as a club that can be brought up to beat each other with during every argument for the rest of your lives.
Good luck to you both
Love is a choice (head) and a feeling (heart). You are in a mess and you aren't thinking clearly. Think very carefully before you spend years watching this woman destroy you and your kids. People with issues like this are not self-aware that they have issues like this. It's a long road out. If you are going to walk it with her, at least do it before you have kids.
I know this is hard to hear, but being a true Christian actually means following the Word of God. "Got together" and married are not the same things. You are leading your relationship under a banner of deception, so the fact that there is other deception going on shouldn't be a surprise. Your foundation is deeply flawed in this situation- don't build a house on it or bring an innocent baby into that mess. Get things straightened out, please.... for both of your sakes.
The abortions are not as big of a problem as the lying. Think hard about any other red flags you may have "compartmentalized" to stay with this woman, before you bring a child into the situation.
You should not be trying to have a baby until you get married. You have no commitment from this woman. If you love her and want a baby get married first. You have things backwards.
Then you find one who finds value in commitment.
It seems like you are not married and that she has been dishonest in a very significant way. There is no legal and binding commitment, and there is a major omission of information. I would not stay in this relationship. It seems unhealthy to bring a child into this partnership.
Are you free of things you regret in the past? Doubtful.
If you care about her and you are both walking the same path now, then you have to learn to let shit go that happened years before you met.
She is an actual victim of the Leftist brainwashing that has been going on for decades now. Abortions are no big deal they said. It’s not a baby. Having babies young will ruin your career. Etc.
I would give that some consideration.
I personally do not ask a woman about her past because there are some questions that I don’t want to know the answers to. I suspect you really don’t want those answers either because they will lead to more questions. And you really don’t want to know those answers. It’s one thing if she wants to voluntarily share it with you but if you go digging she will resent you and then you will regret the answers which will end the relationship.
I am not religious but I am pro-life. If not for Abortion, I would have 4 kids today instead of none. I didn’t have a say in any of those abortions. And yes, I wore a condom in 3 of those but it broke. I was younger and dumber back then so at the time, it didn’t bother me but now it does even though I wasn’t the one that had the abortions, it still haunts me. I feel like an accessory to a crime.
If you’re a Christian, I am not, you can either stick with the program and forgive her if you honestly believe that she has changed her position and the past is in the past. Perhaps go see a pastor together if that’s your bag. It might help you both come to terms with this.
Of course she lied. She’s ashamed. She didn’t lie to hurt you, she lied so she wouldn’t lose you. You say she had a rough past and you may be the first good thing to come along.
If you have a disconnect on the children issue (the most important one), I would imagine that there will be other issues you see differently on. Not to mention that she sounds like a liar. Time to make a break and move on.
The abortion should come second to the fact that she lied to your face
Don’t marry liars, I know that’s hard to hear
Your decision, but I don’t see this ending well
My friend there are a lot of people who tell you to end the relationship when you ask for advice on the internet. These people aren’t invested and you are. I recommend you don’t listen to the ones who give one liner “Dump her!” The ones with more thoughtful answers will be more helpful.
We do live in a bad time for women. They are dealing with an unstoppable force of Leftist feminist indoctrination. This isn’t her fault. It’s not her fault that her world view got so skewed it would only be reasonable to accept that they need a period of time to fuck things up only to realize that every thing they were taught is wrong. I am sure this is why christianity teaches forgiveness. But it is impossible to forgive some one who doesn’t want to improve and change (not saying she is this way).
The possible gas lighting and lying to you is a huge issue. And there could be many reasons for this. She is probably insecure in her position towards you. I highly doubt that she told you she had 3 when the subject is a very big issue for you and you distinctly remember her saying she had one and even then that was a big issue.
Even though you are proclaiming that the abortions are the main issue I believe its not. It’s the lies and deception thats causing you more grief. How can you know how she feels or what she believes if she is willing to deceive some one close to her? This is a symbol of her values and your value to her.
If you truly want to know why she had so many abortions, she will have to change her value system to be more honest before she can even give you an honest answer.
If you want to fix this I recommend her a therapist with the intention of it being a couples counseling from time to time. Please, please, please vet your therapist they are subject to the same leftist indoctrination. I really recommend you get some old fat conservative white dude with a beard and not a woman, unless she is actually really good at her job and not going to divulge into the female cycle of grievances that’s really popular among women today.
You can’t save her you will only look like the bad guy trying, or she will perceive you that way. this is why I recommend a therapist. you do not want her thinking you are the enemy.
While she is in therapy you should consider is there something you are doing that might be doing to make her feel that she should lie to you. If the conversation ever comes up and you ask her if there is something you can improve upon be prepared to be gas lit again. it is very easy to deflect your problems onto others thus being the bad guy for just wanting a honest conversation about your possible failings as a partner, I would recommend doing this with a trained mediator like a therapist.
Of course there is much more I can say but to end on a note of christian teachings Jesus carried the cross to help every one else other than him. This allegory is a form of cultural technology makes better societies and helps those around them at the cost of the individual. It is very sacrificial. Is this the weight you wanna carry? Just for the chance of someone in the future might decide they actually want to change? This is something you have to decide yourself. You can Ask WWJD and it is good advice, but remember there is a difference between the actions of Jesus and a “captain save a ho“
Also beware there are a lot of red flags with this one.
You don’t want to be the only one in the relationship with standards. I would leave her, assuming you’re not married. There are lots of single christian women out there that you don’t have to be the conscience for.
A relationship must be built on a foundation of absolute trust. Lies are like putting lit dynamite in your foundation.
That nagging sensation is your sub-conscious telling you something is missing. My wife and I have been together sixteen years. She lied to me about some things and that feeling did not go away until everything had been brought out into the open. I was willing to throw it all away because she took another man’s word over mine.
God interveened and sent me some messages, to keep fighting to save the relationship. We got the help of a counsellor but it took a number of sessions and a lot of money to get there.
Try everything you can to save your relationship but if that nagging sensation won’t go away then there is only one option... move on.
You gotta air it out. Do whatever you trust in your heart thereafter. You're already worked up over...dont let that stew into a lifetime of wonder. Hell, dont do it to her! It isn't fair to carry around such worry if you have it. If she's that nice, abortions aside, you owe it to her to let her speak to the concern.
Haunted vagina
This person speaks truth.
You will ne.ver get the whole story.
You say you're trying to have a baby, if so, how will you ever know if in fact your partner will see a pregnancy through or if she will just run off and have a mother abortion without your knowledge? Sounds like there may be some kind of incentive for this woman to say she agrees with you to have a child, but I doubt she would go through with it.Find yourself a nice girl you'd be proud to bring home to mom.
I don't know if you can, brother.