AUSTIN, TX—According to sources on Twitter, a local progressive pastor is reassuring her nervous parishioners after one of them accidentally got ahold of the book of Revelation. Reverend Delba Von Fritz spoke to her church after they found themselves so convicted of sin and fearful of judgment that they were considering believing in Jesus.
"Don't worry," said Reverend Von Fritz. "Everyone gets into Heaven so you have nothing to worry about! Except for racists and homophobes. I'm guessing God makes a special exception for those people. But you are all strong voices for social justice and LGBTQ+ issues so you have nothing to fear!"
When someone brought up the frightening and gruesome imagery of the book of Revelation, Von Fritz responded "No, all that stuff is symbolic. The moon turning to blood, darkness, the Lake of Fire, those are all just metaphors for how non-violent and peaceful judgment day will be! Seriously, only racists go to hell."
"But we're all white which means we're all automatically racist," said one parishioner.
"Oh shoot, I didn't think about that," replied Von Fritz. "Can you let me see that Bible for a minute?"
“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
linkj: https://babylonbee.com/news/progressive-pastor-reassures-congregation-judgment-day-will-be-mostly-peaceful
AUSTIN, TX—According to sources on Twitter, a local progressive pastor is reassuring her nervous parishioners after one of them accidentally got ahold of the book of Revelation. Reverend Delba Von Fritz spoke to her church after they found themselves so convicted of sin and fearful of judgment that they were considering believing in Jesus.
"Don't worry," said Reverend Von Fritz. "Everyone gets into Heaven so you have nothing to worry about! Except for racists and homophobes. I'm guessing God makes a special exception for those people. But you are all strong voices for social justice and LGBTQ+ issues so you have nothing to fear!"
When someone brought up the frightening and gruesome imagery of the book of Revelation, Von Fritz responded "No, all that stuff is symbolic. The moon turning to blood, darkness, the Lake of Fire, those are all just metaphors for how non-violent and peaceful judgment day will be! Seriously, only racists go to hell."
"But we're all white which means we're all automatically racist," said one parishioner.
"Oh shoot, I didn't think about that," replied Von Fritz. "Can you let me see that Bible for a minute?"
Without the Babylon Bee link, I wouldn't know if this was satire.
2029, Skynet Terminators showed up and shot us all peacefully with Plasma Rifles.
Women clergy...like the useless mouthpiece that closed out the 2nd night of the DNC convention of hate, are heretical.
This is one of THE greatest shitposts of ALL TIME!!
She will answer to God in the end . you need but remember that you only need to ask for his forgiveness with out that you will not enter in to Heaven.
The word of God tells you to not add to it nor take away from it.
GOD BLESS AMERICA .
Romans 10:9
“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”