You can do this. I was abusing alcohol horribly and I kicked the disease to the curb. People love you, you need to love yourself. Go see your Dr. Don't be ashamed. When I went to see my Dr. He confided in me that he too was an alcoholic. When I went to rehab I was amazed at the lawyers, Dr's and nurses that were in rehab too. Please reach out for help. There's a lot of good people that want to help you. Sober life is the best life. You remember what you did and enjoy everything and everybody more. Love you, I know that sounds crazy but I do truly love you and will commit to praying for you and your recovery. See a Dr., go to AA, Get a sponsor and stop telling yourself that you can handle it. One drink is too many cause 1000 drinks is not enough