Well, I can't speak directly to the whole divorce thing you know, I got lucky and she was taken out in a car wreck. Now Hunter here as been there and done that, his advice is hookers and blow, hookers and blow. Not necessairly in that order.
Exercising/working out helped me through my separation and eventual divorce. It helped by 1. Getting out stress and frustration in a productive way. 2. Got my mind off things if even just for an hour a day 3. Allowed me to socialize with people who had no knowledge of what was going on in my personal life. Once i started feeling better, other areas slowly got better
I think a big part of that is the discipline that working out regularly provides, and the self esteem that comes from it (aside from the fact that being physically healthy and working out increases endorphins that lead to a positive mood).
There is gratification in exercising self discipline, it is what elevates people over other animals, (basically the same thing that elevates conservatives over leftists),
One step at a time, friend. First thing you need to do is get off the sauce. Everything else springs from that well. Even if it doesn't get your wife back, you will be a better person moving forward, because, it seems, you cannot handle the stuff.
Sorry for the tough love, but that's what it looks like from over here.
To be completely honest, this is going to be an amazing time for you. You can use this for bad, or use this for good. Remember to care for yourself ALWAYS.
Hit the gym, quit the booze for a while cold, and be the better man like all of us on these boards are. I love yall - thank you for being here, including you OP.
Pray, repent, pick up, and take steps to go from where you are to the best you. God bless you and may you have reconciliation one day. That's all we can do after all. Feel free to DM me.
I'm trying to keep strong here at work as I notice I'm being locked out of shared accounts as we speak. Also trying not to come off to you all like a weak baby, but maybe that's how I feel right now.
You're legally married. She cannot lock you out of shared accounts in most states. I am sorry you messed up, I am sorry it happened. The correct course of action would have been couples therapy and substance treatment for you.
That didn't happen. However, it appears there was a lot of toxicity in your relationship and that rarely comes only from one side.
You need to hire a lawyer as soon as possible. There is a legal process that people need to go through. Most states have it streamlined. It doesn't matter if you had a beer. It doesn't matter if you drank a beer while having sex with her sister.
There are still things that need to be followed. You need to protect your rights.
Mine manipulated me via marriage counseling to finally put her name on my checking acct. I agreed and she looked like she had seen a ghost when we walked outside (w the benefit of hindsight, her mind was blown w what she had just accomplished.)
Summarily drained my checking and left me w a couch and TV. And I would STILL do it all over again bc had to go through that to know to NEVER DATE A LIBERAL AGAIN.
r/MGOTW2 - Its not about hating women, it's about learning to live a fulfilling life on your own terms. I would check it out. I can relate a lot to your story - been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Nothing special about your story - you're just human. I can tell you 100% that this divorce was coming regardless of your drinking. The #1 best advice I can give you is to laywer up RIGHT NOW. Do not wait. The last to act is the one who loses the most - I know you don't feel like it but hit the ground running hard.
Being an alcoholic is not living life on your own terms, it is living life on the bottles terms. Maybe if he wasn't married, it wouldn't have slapped him across the face this way. Maybe a DUI with a dead or maimed victim would have been the wake up call
MGTOW and drinking have nothing to do with one another - I should have clarified because i can see where it looks like I'm suggesting they do. I absolutely think he should give up drinking, but also go his own way. Note it says living a fulfilling life and aims towards embetterment. Alcohol has no place in that.
To each their own, but just visited that sub to see what you were talking about, and it is woefully underwhelming. In response to militant feminism, some men decided to surrender. I don't see any victory in that, or personal or societal benefit.
Any reward requires sacrifice, and personal relationships are no different. I am not saying one should marry a feminist,(that is obviously a path towards hell on earth). But when you are 70 years old, and living by yourself, with no wife, no children, no family and playing video games and attempting to hang out with others in similar positions no longer carries the excitement it once did, I don't think you will find life so fulfilling.
She’ll try to run you for everything you’ve got and ruin you as a person. Heads up! Cold turkey is hard, but try to take it easy on the Wild Turkey. This will get more stressful as things evolve.
You’ll live though. :)
Imagine finding someone else that caters more to you so that you’re not so anxious, etc! That’s where you need to put your mind, as best you can. She’ll try to make you crazy so she can tell everyone, “see, I told you so...” A year from now you’ll be in good shape with a new gf (or many). Rid yourself of toxic people and you’ll always be better off.
Life is about moderation, there is a balance to all things.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, cut the alcohol down, go for a jog after work, start lifting weights (burns stress & fat). In a few months you'll reflect back and be relieved that you out of that stressful situation and you'll smile.
Moderation only works for some things and for some people. I can drink in moderation. I have been having a few shots on the weekends for years without becoming an alcoholic. I can't smoke in moderation, I've tried a few times, and its either a pack a day, or nothing (because of that, I will never touch weed).
Everyone has to be honest with themselves and know their weaknesses
If I may offer a different viewpoint from an older ladypede whose marriage has survived a heck of a lot: Obviously you both love each other. You have both an addiction problem and a communication problem. My husband had both too, then our communication problems as a couple just made it all worse. It all caused me a lot of pain. We both misunderstood each other a thousand ways, especially me because I was quick to judge his motives and the meaning of what he did. A woman often believes that if she means enough to a man and if he loves her, he will choose her over the "thing" (addiction). However, until the roots that are causing the pain which drives a man to act on addictive behaviors are addressed, he doesn't have the tools to stop. Most people would rather die than do the work of digging up and addressing the deeper issues, as well as then addressing the fallout they have caused. It's hard work and you have to do it for you and not her. When a woman feels pain and/or fear, they experience fight (often coming out as control efforts) or flight. She is now shifting to flight. It's what she can control. I could write a whole book, but probably the most important thing for you to hear right now is that to spite everything you are seeing, a woman wants her man to not quit and give up. If you lay down now you will feel like a loser your whole life, but if you try and bandaid your problems again to try and keep her around in the dysfunction that has become your life, that is miserable. I would suggest an agreed upon separation where you outline the real and legitimate help you are going to seek out to heal your deeper issues. She can have time to decompress and not be anxious all the time about what you may do, and you have time to address these things. You will be taking initiative and not just responding (to her policing your drinking). A woman respects initiative. Yes, she has her issues to address as well, and it would be right to expect those to be addressed at some point soon. First you will both need to learn to address things without everything turning into a fight. That's a mountain in and of itself. A book that really helped me was called How to Stop the Pain by Jim Richards. It helped me to see that a lot of my pain came from the meaning I was giving my husband's every action, when in fact what he was doing or saying rarely meant what I thought it meant. Simply learning to say that something was causing me to feel a certain way and asking if that is what he meant made a world of difference. Eventually, I began to believe that he did love me. He was a hurting person because of his family background. May God be with you on this journey, wherever it leads. I kept trusting God when he walked me through everything, even though all my friends told me to "ditch that loser." Now I have a great marriage and am so grateful we've been together so long. We love each other more than we ever did before we went down the long road of healing. I promise you it is worth it, but both of you have to go down it of your own free will. That's what love is. Edit: after you make some progress, try a simple dinner date. Even in the worst of things, I missed my husband incredibly. Don't expect hard things not to come up, but be ready to be kind and patient to each other.
Leave the alcohol behind and don't look back. Work out and try to improve yourself, which will improve your mindset and keep you busy.
If it's really about the alcohol and you want her back try to show her you're serious and be serious. If things work out, great, but also be prepared they might not and be able to move on and do well either way.
As someone else said here, start exercising and working out buddy! It will help boost your confidence and encourage you to start taking over healthy habits. I was in a similar place before and that helped me a ton!
One of the key things Trump's taught me (he learnt it from his brother) is to never drink, smoke or do drugs. You can do it! May god give you the strength!
If you need help moving past the bottle I highly recommend the Celebrate Recovery program.
My dad was an alcoholic his whole life into his 60's and this program changed his life. AA isn't the same because AA has moved into the "alcoholism as disease" mindset and acts like relapsing is inevitable and people are out of control.
Celebrate recovery looks at a person's soul and what leads us to choose the easy way out of dealing with problems (substances). Life doesn't have to be lived in fear and trembling, it can be lived in peace and strength.
I went through the same thing in 2019, I pulled my self up by the boot straps, moved in with my brother, started exercising, lost weight, found a free thinking woman, moved closer to my parents and between hers and never looked back. You have it in you, pede, to be great. Become the Alpha male you know you are deep down.
If you quit the booze, you have to fill that time with something else, because nature abhors a vacuum. And replace it with something positive. A lot of people are saying exercise Which is a good one. You can replace it with multiple things.
Don't give up. Find a goal, and work toward it. You won't be able to dump the booze and the guilt if you don't find something worth doing- you still have plenty of good to do, so get on it.
First, read The Naked Mind and keep away from the sauce.
Second , get yourself some gym equipment and get your nutrition in check.
Thirdly, go see your doctor and get all your levels checked.
Lastly, own your shit - accept your flaws - jot them down - and figure out ways to erase them one day at a time.
Overall, just work on being the best version of you and become your own mental point of origin.
You don't need alcohol/drugs/cigs/porn/women/etc to make you happy - you make yourself happy by being productive and creative in your own life in your own way.
Good luck to you brother. It's a common thing nowadays so don't get too messed up about it - boys have been raised being taught by women how to be a man and it just doesn't work that way - and these are the typical results.
One of the reasons i quit the sauce was i could see how I was using it to cope with my exs bullshit. When she left, it was much less stress and everything got easier.
When I gave up drinking I took up drinking the seltzer water cans. Now I can’t get enough... makes me feel like I was addicted to carbonation at this point. Anyway it makes it easy to get your body hydrated, and before you know it you’ll have a ton of energy.
The weirdest thing about being sober is having so much more energy at the end of the day.
Seriously, try a Seperation first and getting help. Everyone I know who got divorced ended up regretting it big time, but they never tried a Seperation before they found out how much life sucks without their spouses.
Go to your doctor and get some medication to help you stay off the alcohol. There are lots of options... Naltrexone, acamprosate, Antabuse.
Go to a therapist and if you need meds, a psychiatrist, and get help for the depression / anxiety / whatever else leads you to drink.
Eat right. Spend time with those you love. Get some sunshine and exercise. Work at a job that you can stand, or volunteer if unemployed; just anything to stay busy and feel productive.
You can beat this! You are never alone here, or in America at all.
MAGA!
"7 times the righteous person falls and rises" Proverbs (24:16). I once heard a beautiful explanation to this. It does not mean that if a righteous person falls, they rise back up, it is the fact that someone "fell" 7 times and still rose back up that makes them righteous.
No on is perfect, everyone has their faults, or times of weakness. That is not what defines you. It is how you respond to it that defines you.
I am sure you feel like you are going through hell now, but without a taste of hell, one can not appreciate heaven. You can only control your own life, spend a little time each day finding areas to improve, and make yourself the best person you can be.
Moderation for luxuries like booze and tobacco. Abstention for things that will kill you or psychologically damage you like hard drugs and porn.
I agree.
But booze and smokes (I drink whisky and smoke cigars) are veeeeeeery tricksy. Gotta watch 'em carefully. Addictive personalities need not apply.
“I drink whisky and smoke cigars”
I don’t recall writing this post. :-)
Brothers from another mother. ;)
Well, I can't speak directly to the whole divorce thing you know, I got lucky and she was taken out in a car wreck. Now Hunter here as been there and done that, his advice is hookers and blow, hookers and blow. Not necessairly in that order.
Had to check the name when I got to the car accident.
Yeah but Jill must have helped somewhat. right? Bring you A 13 year old on occasion yeah?
Exercising/working out helped me through my separation and eventual divorce. It helped by 1. Getting out stress and frustration in a productive way. 2. Got my mind off things if even just for an hour a day 3. Allowed me to socialize with people who had no knowledge of what was going on in my personal life. Once i started feeling better, other areas slowly got better
100% this. Even if you don't immediately stop If you exercise daily it'll help you moderate.
I think a big part of that is the discipline that working out regularly provides, and the self esteem that comes from it (aside from the fact that being physically healthy and working out increases endorphins that lead to a positive mood).
There is gratification in exercising self discipline, it is what elevates people over other animals, (basically the same thing that elevates conservatives over leftists),
One step at a time, friend. First thing you need to do is get off the sauce. Everything else springs from that well. Even if it doesn't get your wife back, you will be a better person moving forward, because, it seems, you cannot handle the stuff.
Sorry for the tough love, but that's what it looks like from over here.
you're right. I appreciate that.
Been there man. Once you rip the band aid off and forgive yourself, you will feel much better and happier.
🎵 a little happiness, a little love is all I wanted / sure as helllll thought I found it, but I was wrong
She left my heart feelin’ tumblin’ / and my memories are all haunted / but it’s Her I have to thank for all my songs 🎵 -Sturgill Simpson 🤠
To be completely honest, this is going to be an amazing time for you. You can use this for bad, or use this for good. Remember to care for yourself ALWAYS.
Hit the gym, quit the booze for a while cold, and be the better man like all of us on these boards are. I love yall - thank you for being here, including you OP.
Hang in there, pede. You're no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself first.
You aren't being a baby. This is big real life shit. Sorry to hear it's happening to ya.
"It ain't how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward." ~ Rocky
One day at a time.
Pray, repent, pick up, and take steps to go from where you are to the best you. God bless you and may you have reconciliation one day. That's all we can do after all. Feel free to DM me.
thanks. I'll keep that in mind.
Divorce is no fun. Been there, done that.
Best thing to do is to try and make it as amicable as possible, and move on.
Been there, done that, since reconciled but will never forget how painful that period of my life was.
Good luck and stay strong brother.
You're legally married. She cannot lock you out of shared accounts in most states. I am sorry you messed up, I am sorry it happened. The correct course of action would have been couples therapy and substance treatment for you.
That didn't happen. However, it appears there was a lot of toxicity in your relationship and that rarely comes only from one side.
You need to hire a lawyer as soon as possible. There is a legal process that people need to go through. Most states have it streamlined. It doesn't matter if you had a beer. It doesn't matter if you drank a beer while having sex with her sister.
There are still things that need to be followed. You need to protect your rights.
Mine manipulated me via marriage counseling to finally put her name on my checking acct. I agreed and she looked like she had seen a ghost when we walked outside (w the benefit of hindsight, her mind was blown w what she had just accomplished.)
Summarily drained my checking and left me w a couch and TV. And I would STILL do it all over again bc had to go through that to know to NEVER DATE A LIBERAL AGAIN.
r/MGOTW2 - Its not about hating women, it's about learning to live a fulfilling life on your own terms. I would check it out. I can relate a lot to your story - been there, done that, have the t-shirt. Nothing special about your story - you're just human. I can tell you 100% that this divorce was coming regardless of your drinking. The #1 best advice I can give you is to laywer up RIGHT NOW. Do not wait. The last to act is the one who loses the most - I know you don't feel like it but hit the ground running hard.
Being an alcoholic is not living life on your own terms, it is living life on the bottles terms. Maybe if he wasn't married, it wouldn't have slapped him across the face this way. Maybe a DUI with a dead or maimed victim would have been the wake up call
MGTOW and drinking have nothing to do with one another - I should have clarified because i can see where it looks like I'm suggesting they do. I absolutely think he should give up drinking, but also go his own way. Note it says living a fulfilling life and aims towards embetterment. Alcohol has no place in that.
To each their own, but just visited that sub to see what you were talking about, and it is woefully underwhelming. In response to militant feminism, some men decided to surrender. I don't see any victory in that, or personal or societal benefit.
Any reward requires sacrifice, and personal relationships are no different. I am not saying one should marry a feminist,(that is obviously a path towards hell on earth). But when you are 70 years old, and living by yourself, with no wife, no children, no family and playing video games and attempting to hang out with others in similar positions no longer carries the excitement it once did, I don't think you will find life so fulfilling.
She mandated= Found the problem. Get out and go live where you want. The next guy will have the same problem with her.
She’ll try to run you for everything you’ve got and ruin you as a person. Heads up! Cold turkey is hard, but try to take it easy on the Wild Turkey. This will get more stressful as things evolve.
You’ll live though. :) Imagine finding someone else that caters more to you so that you’re not so anxious, etc! That’s where you need to put your mind, as best you can. She’ll try to make you crazy so she can tell everyone, “see, I told you so...” A year from now you’ll be in good shape with a new gf (or many). Rid yourself of toxic people and you’ll always be better off.
Life is about moderation, there is a balance to all things.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, cut the alcohol down, go for a jog after work, start lifting weights (burns stress & fat). In a few months you'll reflect back and be relieved that you out of that stressful situation and you'll smile.
Moderation only works for some things and for some people. I can drink in moderation. I have been having a few shots on the weekends for years without becoming an alcoholic. I can't smoke in moderation, I've tried a few times, and its either a pack a day, or nothing (because of that, I will never touch weed).
Everyone has to be honest with themselves and know their weaknesses
Very true, being honest with yourself.. Truly honest is a key to many things in life.
If I may offer a different viewpoint from an older ladypede whose marriage has survived a heck of a lot: Obviously you both love each other. You have both an addiction problem and a communication problem. My husband had both too, then our communication problems as a couple just made it all worse. It all caused me a lot of pain. We both misunderstood each other a thousand ways, especially me because I was quick to judge his motives and the meaning of what he did. A woman often believes that if she means enough to a man and if he loves her, he will choose her over the "thing" (addiction). However, until the roots that are causing the pain which drives a man to act on addictive behaviors are addressed, he doesn't have the tools to stop. Most people would rather die than do the work of digging up and addressing the deeper issues, as well as then addressing the fallout they have caused. It's hard work and you have to do it for you and not her. When a woman feels pain and/or fear, they experience fight (often coming out as control efforts) or flight. She is now shifting to flight. It's what she can control. I could write a whole book, but probably the most important thing for you to hear right now is that to spite everything you are seeing, a woman wants her man to not quit and give up. If you lay down now you will feel like a loser your whole life, but if you try and bandaid your problems again to try and keep her around in the dysfunction that has become your life, that is miserable. I would suggest an agreed upon separation where you outline the real and legitimate help you are going to seek out to heal your deeper issues. She can have time to decompress and not be anxious all the time about what you may do, and you have time to address these things. You will be taking initiative and not just responding (to her policing your drinking). A woman respects initiative. Yes, she has her issues to address as well, and it would be right to expect those to be addressed at some point soon. First you will both need to learn to address things without everything turning into a fight. That's a mountain in and of itself. A book that really helped me was called How to Stop the Pain by Jim Richards. It helped me to see that a lot of my pain came from the meaning I was giving my husband's every action, when in fact what he was doing or saying rarely meant what I thought it meant. Simply learning to say that something was causing me to feel a certain way and asking if that is what he meant made a world of difference. Eventually, I began to believe that he did love me. He was a hurting person because of his family background. May God be with you on this journey, wherever it leads. I kept trusting God when he walked me through everything, even though all my friends told me to "ditch that loser." Now I have a great marriage and am so grateful we've been together so long. We love each other more than we ever did before we went down the long road of healing. I promise you it is worth it, but both of you have to go down it of your own free will. That's what love is. Edit: after you make some progress, try a simple dinner date. Even in the worst of things, I missed my husband incredibly. Don't expect hard things not to come up, but be ready to be kind and patient to each other.
You are on the right track. Don't get discouraged. I hope you stay sober. No one will see you as weak. Just being honest.
Best of luck to you. Many of us have been through it and if there's no kids involved you an break off smoothly and get back on with your life.
Sorry you’re going through such a hard time right now, friend. Just know that there is a season for everything. Winter doesn’t last forever.
Sorry to hear it. I'll go the other way on booze and say that divorce might not be the best time to quit, especially if it's reasonably under control.
Try to stay civil and lawyer up. Life will go on. Good luck.
I got divorced about 8 years ago. It has really been the best 8 years of my life. Keep your head up fren. :)
This. There is light at the end of the tunnel
Agree with what most everybody else said. If you can, reach out to your great grandmother too. The old folks have seen a lot:)
Leave the alcohol behind and don't look back. Work out and try to improve yourself, which will improve your mindset and keep you busy.
If it's really about the alcohol and you want her back try to show her you're serious and be serious. If things work out, great, but also be prepared they might not and be able to move on and do well either way.
Praying for ya. Hang in there!
As someone else said here, start exercising and working out buddy! It will help boost your confidence and encourage you to start taking over healthy habits. I was in a similar place before and that helped me a ton!
One of the key things Trump's taught me (he learnt it from his brother) is to never drink, smoke or do drugs. You can do it! May god give you the strength!
Real sorry it's ending up this way.
If you need help moving past the bottle I highly recommend the Celebrate Recovery program.
My dad was an alcoholic his whole life into his 60's and this program changed his life. AA isn't the same because AA has moved into the "alcoholism as disease" mindset and acts like relapsing is inevitable and people are out of control.
Celebrate recovery looks at a person's soul and what leads us to choose the easy way out of dealing with problems (substances). Life doesn't have to be lived in fear and trembling, it can be lived in peace and strength.
https://www.celebraterecovery.com/
One foot in front of the other. Fill your hole with happiness and community that care about you and you about them.
Consider large doses of psychedelics in a safe environment.
The journey is just beginning.
I went through the same thing in 2019, I pulled my self up by the boot straps, moved in with my brother, started exercising, lost weight, found a free thinking woman, moved closer to my parents and between hers and never looked back. You have it in you, pede, to be great. Become the Alpha male you know you are deep down.
If you quit the booze, you have to fill that time with something else, because nature abhors a vacuum. And replace it with something positive. A lot of people are saying exercise Which is a good one. You can replace it with multiple things.
Don't give up. Find a goal, and work toward it. You won't be able to dump the booze and the guilt if you don't find something worth doing- you still have plenty of good to do, so get on it.
PM the nighttime mod ladies
They will set you on a good course
First, read The Naked Mind and keep away from the sauce.
Second , get yourself some gym equipment and get your nutrition in check.
Thirdly, go see your doctor and get all your levels checked.
Lastly, own your shit - accept your flaws - jot them down - and figure out ways to erase them one day at a time.
Overall, just work on being the best version of you and become your own mental point of origin.
You don't need alcohol/drugs/cigs/porn/women/etc to make you happy - you make yourself happy by being productive and creative in your own life in your own way.
Good luck to you brother. It's a common thing nowadays so don't get too messed up about it - boys have been raised being taught by women how to be a man and it just doesn't work that way - and these are the typical results.
A man who doesn't feel at least somewhat shattered by divorce is not a strong man -- he's a sociopath with no feelings.
You're human, and this is gonna hurt for a good while. Time will heal, though I know it's cold comfort in the moment.
One of the reasons i quit the sauce was i could see how I was using it to cope with my exs bullshit. When she left, it was much less stress and everything got easier.
When I gave up drinking I took up drinking the seltzer water cans. Now I can’t get enough... makes me feel like I was addicted to carbonation at this point. Anyway it makes it easy to get your body hydrated, and before you know it you’ll have a ton of energy.
The weirdest thing about being sober is having so much more energy at the end of the day.
If you’ve identified a problem, take steps to fix it - there are lots of people that would love to help you.
there is life after divorce, trust me, there are other comments here to that effect, I can vouch
Where are ya from? You have anyone to talk with regularly?
Seriously, try a Seperation first and getting help. Everyone I know who got divorced ended up regretting it big time, but they never tried a Seperation before they found out how much life sucks without their spouses.
Good luck brother, ill say a prayer for you. 🙏🏻
Find a woman who doesn’t get so nosy about your drinking and start drinking even more.
User name checks out. Heh.
Go to your doctor and get some medication to help you stay off the alcohol. There are lots of options... Naltrexone, acamprosate, Antabuse.
Go to a therapist and if you need meds, a psychiatrist, and get help for the depression / anxiety / whatever else leads you to drink.
Eat right. Spend time with those you love. Get some sunshine and exercise. Work at a job that you can stand, or volunteer if unemployed; just anything to stay busy and feel productive.
You can beat this! You are never alone here, or in America at all.
MAGA!
"7 times the righteous person falls and rises" Proverbs (24:16). I once heard a beautiful explanation to this. It does not mean that if a righteous person falls, they rise back up, it is the fact that someone "fell" 7 times and still rose back up that makes them righteous.
No on is perfect, everyone has their faults, or times of weakness. That is not what defines you. It is how you respond to it that defines you.
I am sure you feel like you are going through hell now, but without a taste of hell, one can not appreciate heaven. You can only control your own life, spend a little time each day finding areas to improve, and make yourself the best person you can be.
Everything else will fall in place eventually,
Cheer up and come to the surface for breath. Dont let the anchor hold you under. And don't lean on booze so much. Try weed.