If I may offer a different viewpoint from an older ladypede whose marriage has survived a heck of a lot: Obviously you both love each other. You have both an addiction problem and a communication problem. My husband had both too, then our communication problems as a couple just made it all worse. It all caused me a lot of pain. We both misunderstood each other a thousand ways, especially me because I was quick to judge his motives and the meaning of what he did. A woman often believes that if she means enough to a man and if he loves her, he will choose her over the "thing" (addiction). However, until the roots that are causing the pain which drives a man to act on addictive behaviors are addressed, he doesn't have the tools to stop. Most people would rather die than do the work of digging up and addressing the deeper issues, as well as then addressing the fallout they have caused. It's hard work and you have to do it for you and not her. When a woman feels pain and/or fear, they experience fight (often coming out as control efforts) or flight. She is now shifting to flight. It's what she can control. I could write a whole book, but probably the most important thing for you to hear right now is that to spite everything you are seeing, a woman wants her man to not quit and give up. If you lay down now you will feel like a loser your whole life, but if you try and bandaid your problems again to try and keep her around in the dysfunction that has become your life, that is miserable. I would suggest an agreed upon separation where you outline the real and legitimate help you are going to seek out to heal your deeper issues. She can have time to decompress and not be anxious all the time about what you may do, and you have time to address these things. You will be taking initiative and not just responding (to her policing your drinking). A woman respects initiative. Yes, she has her issues to address as well, and it would be right to expect those to be addressed at some point soon. First you will both need to learn to address things without everything turning into a fight. That's a mountain in and of itself. A book that really helped me was called How to Stop the Pain by Jim Richards. It helped me to see that a lot of my pain came from the meaning I was giving my husband's every action, when in fact what he was doing or saying rarely meant what I thought it meant. Simply learning to say that something was causing me to feel a certain way and asking if that is what he meant made a world of difference. Eventually, I began to believe that he did love me. He was a hurting person because of his family background. May God be with you on this journey, wherever it leads. I kept trusting God when he walked me through everything, even though all my friends told me to "ditch that loser." Now I have a great marriage and am so grateful we've been together so long. We love each other more than we ever did before we went down the long road of healing. I promise you it is worth it, but both of you have to go down it of your own free will. That's what love is. Edit: after you make some progress, try a simple dinner date. Even in the worst of things, I missed my husband incredibly. Don't expect hard things not to come up, but be ready to be kind and patient to each other.
If I may offer a different viewpoint from an older ladypede whose marriage has survived a heck of a lot: Obviously you both love each other. You have both an addiction problem and a communication problem. My husband had both too, then our communication problems as a couple just made it all worse. It all caused me a lot of pain. We both misunderstood each other a thousand ways, especially me because I was quick to judge his motives and the meaning of what he did. A woman often believes that if she means enough to a man and if he loves her, he will choose her over the "thing" (addiction). However, until the roots that are causing the pain which drives a man to act on addictive behaviors are addressed, he doesn't have the tools to stop. Most people would rather die than do the work of digging up and addressing the deeper issues, as well as then addressing the fallout they have caused. It's hard work and you have to do it for you and not her. When a woman feels pain and/or fear, they experience fight (often coming out as control efforts) or flight. She is now shifting to flight. It's what she can control. I could write a whole book, but probably the most important thing for you to hear right now is that to spite everything you are seeing, a woman wants her man to not quit and give up. If you lay down now you will feel like a loser your whole life, but if you try and bandaid your problems again to try and keep her around in the dysfunction that has become your life, that is miserable. I would suggest an agreed upon separation where you outline the real and legitimate help you are going to seek out to heal your deeper issues. She can have time to decompress and not be anxious all the time about what you may do, and you have time to address these things. You will be taking initiative and not just responding (to her policing your drinking). A woman respects initiative. Yes, she has her issues to address as well, and it would be right to expect those to be addressed at some point soon. First you will both need to learn to address things without everything turning into a fight. That's a mountain in and of itself. A book that really helped me was called How to Stop the Pain by Jim Richards. It helped me to see that a lot of my pain came from the meaning I was giving my husband's every action, when in fact what he was doing or saying rarely meant what I thought it meant. Simply learning to say that something was causing me to feel a certain way and asking if that is what he meant made a world of difference. Eventually, I began to believe that he did love me. He was a hurting person because of his family background. May God be with you on this journey, wherever it leads. I kept trusting God when he walked me through everything, even though all my friends told me to "ditch that loser." Now I have a great marriage and am so grateful we've been together so long. We love each other more than we ever did before we went down the long road of healing. I promise you it is worth it, but both of you have to go down it of your own free will. That's what love is. Edit: after you make some progress, try a simple dinner date. Even in the worst of things, I missed my husband incredibly. Don't expect hard things not to come up, but be ready to be kind and patient to each other.