Exclusive: Babylon Bee Has Acquired A Copy Of Joe Biden's Debate Prep Notes
(i.maga.host)
💩 SHITPOST 💩
Comments (147)
sorted by:
DEFAULT COMMUNITIES
•
All
General
AskWin
Funny
Technology
Animals
Sports
Gaming
DIY
Health
Positive
Privacy
Looks REAL...
Let's be honest, this is far more professional
Yup. Dr. Jill probably had help from some of her students...
Was there a criminal referral for DJT2?
It's in crayon with mutli colors but this leaked copy was printed on black and white
I absolutely love how the gettysburg address was taped on and then the thing was copied so we got this lol
Looks like his wife wrote it.
Well, DR. Jill does teach English at the local community college.
I don't think so. "Tug your left ear and Chris Wallace will throw you a softball"...
What else would Wallace throw him?
True. Maybe a Nerf Ball versus Softball?
Cookies?
A hit of meth?
Glass dicks everywhere backstage
Debate drinking game: Drink every time Biden says, "C'mon, man!", "Here's the facts", "Not a joke, folks!", "The fact of the matter is....", "Existential threat", "By the way...", "Let me be clear", "I'm the one, I'm the one that did that", "Period".
Trying to give me alcohol poisoning?
"Look," ... "I'm already talking too long"
Including "look" would make this game lethal.
Dude. I'd be blacked out about a quarter of the way through.
Needs more pictograms.
Ha ha ha
That it does...
"I'm the one, I'm the one that did that"!
"I'm the guy!"
It's the guy!
I'd love to work for the bee, but pretty sure I don't have the talent they already have. This is gold.
They are crowd-sourced in a way. If you donate to them, you get access to the forums where you can suggest headlines. Pretty great business model for them. :)
I signed up but I haven't actually logged in yet.
Someone had to start The Onion before it got all oniony. Same with the Bee. I bet both were started with that exact same statement you just made!
Let me know when you're hiring so I can send some H1-B's your way!
Buy American Hire Americans
I don't see anywhere where it tells him to say Kamala is the 2nd nice looking articulate clean black person to ever run for President.
Blahaha.... Nice!!! <3 MAGA2020
I wouldn't have believed he needed the first two reminders, but I've actually seen him blow his name and say he's running for Senate. Very practical notes.
Answers check out, as long as he awkwardly transitions to attacking "the worst President" in our history who "has no decency" and "isn't smart," cause, that's the real deal, man.
How is this actually happening?
He’s done if they ask him to find Ohio on a map.
Moderator: "Time's up!"
Donald: "Let him continue."
Biden has a lot of trouble with numbers. If Chris Wallace gave them each a whiteboard and a marker, and asked them to transcribe a six-digit number Wallace read , President Trump would perform flawlessly. What would Creepy Joe put on the whiteboard?
Trump needs to throw in a lot of multi-diigit numbers, lots of commas & decimals. "Joe maybe you can tell us how you would manage a 1 point 5 trillion increase in the military budget up from a 2.75% decrease if forty point seven eight million was deferred for..."
Ut oh, the math got hard.
The alphabet
Reminder: Jill is your WIFE (not sister)!
And she's NOT the one running for President.
What if Joe shuffles across the stage to take a swing at Trump?
I mean, no, really. What if if happens?
Please, God, let it happen.
I think Trump would shift back a step and let Joe lose his balance and fall - then security would quickly step in and the debate would be over.
Then Joe would quit and Kamala would be the new nominee.
and CNN would say it wasn't presidential of Trump to take a step back, and he's the reason Joe broke his back and needs to be impeached immediately for fascist backstep
Fascist backstep HEEE HEEEE
Needs to moonwalk back and then wink at the camera, with an air horn blaring
CNN: Trump abuses the elderly, causes bad fall
MSDNC: Trump kept saying "where's Hunter?" after Biden begged him to stop abusing his family, causing Joe to attempt to stop the abuse and fall.
maybe that's the plan on how they replace Joe!
"Trump assaults Presidential hopeful and front-runner Joe Biden at debate."
Ahh, the ol' peaceful protest.
Hes gonna discover Trump is like 6' 4" real quick
Trump would catch it and turn it around into a handshake for the camera before security pulls Biden away and then he'd crack a joke about Biden needing a break before getting back into the debate.
Honestly Trump's a master of presentation. If Biden threw a punch, Trump being the bigger man would do more damage to the Biden campaign's election chances than if Trump killed him with a solid right hook after and it's much more Trump's style in my opinion, especially putting on a performance afterwards about how unfazed he would claim to be and taking the high road again by "offering him another chance after a quick break".
I'll only approve this if it ends in a WWF choke slam.
This should be a drinking game during the debate:
C’mon man = 1 sip
Look, here’s the deal = chug
I’m the guy that... = must finish whatever’s in glass
This is a good way to end up voting democrat after your inevitable death
Even alcoholics are like 'efffff this game'
Debate drinking game: Drink every time Biden says, "C'mon, man!", "Here's the facts", "Not a joke, folks!", "The fact of the matter is....", "Existential threat", "By the way...", "Let me be clear", "I'm the one, I'm the one that did that", "Period".
It also says "DO NOT SAY I AM JOE BIDEN'S HUSBAND".
Chris:"Mr. Vice President, why was your son Hunt-"
Joe: "Come on, man! Let's talk about the 200 billion Americans who have died from Coronavirus. That's BILLION, with a B. Period. Think about that!"
Hey Ciaramella, you are gay.
totes am
It's cool, still voting Trump!
Why are the debates always moderated by communists? Why don't we have at least one debate hosted by Limbaugh or Hannity? Hell, bring on Alex Jones!
I'd pay to see Gutfeld moderate this debate
You're JILL'S HUSBAND.
Keep your proud viagra boner behind the podium.
DO NOT say "kids" or "leg hairs". Super-DO NOT say "rub" or "roaches."
Lmfao
Cute.
C'mon man!
Biden will realize Trump is a lot bigger dude in person than cornpop.
Hey, guys, remember how awesome Joe did in the primary debates? When it was mostly friendly opposition and basically everyone agreed? And he still burst a blood vessel?
Joe’s going to have a full blown aneurysm.
Not another one! Would that be his 3rd or 4th exploded brain aneurysm? I assume you already knew he's had at least 2 brain surgeries for exploding blood vessels. Funny how the media doesn't seem concerned with that. According to Joepedo, his doctors gave him a 30-50% chance of regaining full cognitive function.
The left ear tug is likely going to be spot on.
I hope Trump brings up kids sitting in Biden's lap, and roaches.
Trump should talk a string of nonsense just to throw him off: "I was with my grandkids today, they jumped on my lap, ever had that happen Joe I know you have grandkids from Hunter do you see them does Hunter see the baby with the stripper, c'mon man let's hear about the grandkids..."
So, Joe, please tell us about Corn Pop. And please, take all the time you need
I do not think I'd underestimate Biden, once he's doped up and feeling himself. He only has to make it through the debate, then he can crash. And don't underestimate the sympathy that can be generated by an overly severe beat down on an old man like Biden. GEOTUS actually has to feel this out on the fly... I hope he succeeds.
When Reagan debated Carter, my dad immediately said, "Reagan will win." I was a young Dem and I got mad and started arguing that Reagan was awful, and he said, "Thats got nothing to do with it. Reagan's a foot taller and strong looking, while Carter is pale and looks small." Ive watched what an accurate indicator this is for 40 years. Tall and vital and aggressive beats old and sympathetic in a Presidential election.
Deep voice is also a big plus. Odumbo had a nice deep voice - like a storybook, man! Biden will sound like a whiny, angry child compared to POTUS Trump. I also do not think there is more than 10 votes in this entire country that would swing in favor of a POTUS candidate who reveals they are entirely unfit to serve, because the voter felt sorry for them. Sure, they may feel sympathy, but there's no one who would translate that into 'oh yeah, I want them as commander chief so maybe they won't be so sad'.
My mom still recalls vividly how awful Nixon looked when he debated Kennedy. True she's a lib, but still.
Our new number #1 trusted new source!
Seems legit, but the one catch phrase you left off, and he loves to use this a lot because it’s just empty rhetoric and ambiguous: “we’ve got to fundamentally change...[insert nearly any governmental policy here]”
So Donald is going to ask him if he wants to smell his hair!
There are not going to be commercials, though right?
I love the Bee
Anonymous sources?
Hot shit that settles it this is the REAL BUSINESS
Love it!
But a little too close to the truth.
This all checks out.
no fear
Are we sure this isn’t his actual notes?
Fake. It doesn't say "bring up Jill every question."
He'll get confused: it doesn't say for what country is he running for president for.
"Hi, I'm Joe Biden, and I'm running for president of... Canada?"
Make sure I have fresh batteries for my 'Hearing Aid'.
good enough for the NYtimes.
It'd be real if the font was 3times the size
OMG that's brutal. The Bee has delivered a fatal sting to Sleepy Joe.
"I'm running for president orange man!"
Here's hoping...Let's remember that as with every debate in this cycle, everything is riding on it. If Biden has an amazing performance (unlikely b\c dementia) or if President Trump has a terrible night it's going to be a real hard thing to bounce back from with the current timeline. On a mediocre performance the media will still coronate Biden and on a stellar performance the Biden camp will cancel all the other debates and just bank the win and the media will pretend there never were any other debates.
Ya ain’t sniffing MY hair, Biden. I will literally push you down the stairs.
TOP KEK!
Honestly though, I think these are too complicated for him to follow.
Looks like Dirk McGirk wrote them.
"You're toast, so just wing it"
Does anyone have a CNN leak so they can tell me about the contents of this illegal leak???
Dont forget military = Stupid bastards