A gamer is an ascended being that is the product of millions of years of fine tuned evolution leading to a specimen that is neither human nor god, the perfect balance between man and monster. A gamer is the apotheosis of evolution. I am a gamer. If you cut me, I bleed G Fuel, but you’ll never cut me. My reflexes are too strong thanks to gaming. I could hold a live grenade in my hand and feel nothing when it explodes thanks to all of my gaming calluses making my skin harder than a fucking turtle shell. What is the most used muscle in a gamers body? The mind. Over 10,000,000,000 synaptic neuroscooters firing at the same time every second kept healthy through the complex carbohydrates of Doritos. A gamers senses are three times stronger than an average human beings. We can smell the future. We can taste your panties getting wet from miles away. We can feel when it’s your birthday, like a fucking spidey sense. When we ejaculate, our cum contains 16 gigabytes of ram. If Professor Utonium were to create gamers instead of powerpuff girls, he’d use sugar, spice, and the Elder Scrolls series. So what exactly is a gamer? It’s fucking everything.