WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT, THAT ALL MEN AND WOMEN ARE CREATED BY THE, BY THE YOUKNOWTHETHING! Thank you Dr. Pepper, thank you Aunt Jemimah, and thank you Dr. Ben Carson for his wonderful rice. Without these prominent historical figures, we wouldn't have 7 stripes, 6 bars, and a hell of a lot of stars on our Antartican flag today! In God we tr-- you know what I mean, man! I'm in a lot of trouble now. This is gonna be all over C-SPAN, I can answer one more question. Come on. You're a lying dog faced-- my times up. I really have to go. Okay, one more. Oh, that was it YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME ABOUT ME? Give me a break slick. I'm as healthy as I ever was. Let's go outside man, do some push-ups, go running, boom boom boom, whatever you want man, then we'll see who's laughing. You think this is funny? It's not, it's just MALARKEY. So look, it's three things. NUMBER ONE-- You keep on making these posts man.. why-why-why-why-why? You're getting nervous man! Calm down, it's okay. I am ready to have a whole ONE debate with anyone that the DN-- I mean, of MY choosing! Total free will! I'm not scared of Donald Duck, PERIOD. Listen black, the real problem is gun violence. Just this month we lost 300 million-- I mean billion peop-- the gallons of oil, people who got the tax break for the thing, and that's NOT OKAY. Cut the malarkey. THATS THE FOURTH THING-- Gun rights for everyone are not your rights man! GIVE. ME. A BREAK. JACK. And if-- bring that last slide back up, I didn't see what it sai-- ok, got it. Next slide: Number NIN-- I MEAN FIVE-- I MEAN, ITS THE EIGHTH ONE, you know what I meant. We also need police reform. One in three stops results in malarkey. So what we're gonna do about is is implement a mandatory malarkeylizer test for anyone who's driving under the influenza. And we are working hard to refund the police. CHECK THE RECORD. Give me a break man, PERIOD. My times up. Yes sir. Number TWO-- I am not going nuts. I don't even like nuts, I like the.. what do the kids call it, th- the, avocados man, really crunchy. Last time at Burger King I had gotten a burrito and it had that thing in it, but they didn't give me any avocados so I told the cashier, hey-- this may taste good but if you don't give me some sauce uuhm.Thank you Dr. Pepper. This whole Maxwell Hotdog arrest should scare Donald Trunk, all right? I have got EVERYTHING- I mean NOTHING to do with it! So cut me a break man! This ain't no nickel Kit-Kat bar I'm talking about, these cost at least a dollar now! The same dollar that Donald Trump is taking from your pockets! So leading up to the 2028 elect-- I mean 2024, ask yourself, do I want Donald Trump or do I want Kit-Kats? Period. NUMBER TWO-- I'm the one who put 750 million-- two billion, hundred thousand women back in the workforce. Gave them a ch-- CHECK THE RECORD JACK-- I don't work for you! If you don't like it go vote for someone else. You're too old to vote for me man, come on. My times up. Remember when you go home, turn on your record players and send a fax to Joe 30330 about the thing. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO-CANNEDBEAT-DONALDTRUMP. PERIOD. C'mon, man! This reminds me back in 2nd grade when my Dad took me to grandpa's farm to see the dog-faced ponies. I was a bright little kid back then, straight-B student. I asked my dad if there really were needles in the haystacks, and he said "I donno, son. But you'll never know til you find out!" I learned a lot about perseverance that day, just digging and digging through all that hay, the deeper I got the more I sneezed but I just kept on digging. Man, I really wanted that needle. I was gonna take that needle to school in my Roy Rogers lunchbox, maybe stick somebody or put it in the teacher's chair. I never did like that old bag, all wrinkly and used-up, looked like she oughta be in a nursing home. Why would anybody put up with an old fossil like that? Anyway, I never did find that needle and what made matters worse, my grandpa tanned my hide for messing up his haystack cause the cows and the pony-faced dogs wouldn't eat it after that. I'll never forget that drive home into the city, hay sticking out of my hair, sneezing and sneezing and sneezing. Every time I sneezed Dad would laugh and laugh, saying "Little Joe, if you flunk 3rd grade I'm leaving you out there with Grandpa. You'll be big enough to work by then." Well, that scared me so bad I quit eating vegetables for two years and that's how I got the rickets, so I sure showed him, didn't I? Mom took me to the doctor and man, he gave me a big ol' shot that hurt for a week, that old so & so. Dagnabbit, I can still feel it just from thinking about it. Then when we got home, my Dad asked me "Hey Joe, did you find the needle yet?" and had a good ol' laugh. And that's what perseverance means to me: in the end I did find that needle, it just wasn't in the haystack. But they wouldn't let me take it home, so eventually I found a sharp little stick in the yard and made do with that. Good ol' American ingenuity, that's what we need around here. Trump the Tweeter, he doesn't get any of this stuff, he just doesn't. Probably ate all his vegetables, maybe even a couple of fruits. Says he's never even caught a cold, how is he gonna know how to handle this health crisis? That's crazy, man. If that's the kind of guy you trust, vote for Donald Trump. I don't care. I'm sorry, what was the question? Last time I was in the jungle some roaches were sitting on my lap and playing with my leg hair. Then this elephant named corn pop said.. you know, the thing... And corn pop was a bad boy, and he ran some bad boys... And he kept his jungle banana in a water barrell to get it rusty you know... And then my pal Barack America showed up and gave me a bike chain... But I didn't need the thing because when corn pop came back I was doing push-ups with Barack America's wife, Big Mike. Here’s the deal fat, cut the malarkey. Back in my day when my first leg hairs were growing and the uuhhh you know the uhhh children climbed on me lap, that was when we wrote uuuhhhh you know the thing, the other thing, the constitution.