41
Mitschu 41 points ago +41 / -0

"Scared but prepared" should be on one of those homemade yarn inspirational cozies that grandmas crochet up with love and care so that your rifle butt doesn't chaff your shoulder from repeated recoil impact.

15
Mitschu 15 points ago +15 / -0

"The Senators want you to find any difference between this fraudulent electoral college map of 2020 and their impeachment vote map."

"Uh, don't you mean five differences? And then you pull the whole 'They're the same picture' gag meme on me?"

"No, literally any difference. We're trying to prove that this wasn't yet another partisan maneuver from corrupt Democrats abusing the powers vested into their stolen offices to further divide the country and stoke the flames of civil war."

"Oh... well, they're the same picture."

35
Mitschu 35 points ago +35 / -0

"Roses are red,

My son does drugs,

You smell like a kid,

I want to molest you in public."

Happy Bidentimesday from the, you know, the place!

6
Mitschu 6 points ago +6 / -0

Always remember that leftists consider "emotional effort" to be work.

9
Mitschu 9 points ago +9 / -0

It's times like this I miss my old roommate. He'd have been MAGA to the bone, former vet, savage, and smart. Like actual big brain, knew shit but also knew that he didn't know shit kinda guy.

As an example, one day we were walking to the store and he stooped over to pick up a long, thin bone off the ground. Without even inspecting it, he declared his superior injun senses were telling him it was the femur of a raccoon. Or a cat. Or maybe a chicken, how the fuck should he know? I jokingly asked him what he was going to do if it were a human's. He immediately replied "Seven years for desecrating a corpse. Badass knife handle, though."

He also de-wokeified me, twice in short succession, within less than a week of moving in.

First:

"Indian was a case of mistaken identity. Native American was a case of stealing our identity. Call me injun, redskin, chief, I'll just laugh. Call me native again, white man, and tomorrow you can look for a new place to stay."

"Well, what do you guys prefer to be called, then?"

"The neighbors call me 'that crazy motherfucking Lakota boy down the road'. Or 'my fellow American', that works."

Second:

"Why do you whites always keep apologizing for almost wiping us out?"

"Uh...? Because... we almost wiped you out?"

"The only shame is that you were too cowardly to finish a job half-started. We would've." (Followed by the most terrifying grin I've seen in my life.)

5
Mitschu 5 points ago +5 / -0

No no no, don't you understand, you're supposed to use your superior adult jeet kun tae kwon kravate skills to drop kick the gun out of his hand from eighty meters away, unload it before it hits the ground and recycle the bullets into peace medallions, and then patiently explain to the little troubled tot of twenty seven who is turning his life around why violence is never the answer and guns are always bad.

You know, reasonable force.

3
Mitschu 3 points ago +3 / -0

Shouldn't the air recirculator, their three layers of masks, and the six feet social bubble have prevented them from smelling your deadly COVID-laced farts?

/hmmmmmm

1
Mitschu 1 point ago +1 / -0

And a rebreather tube up the ass, just in case.

3
Mitschu 3 points ago +4 / -1

Yes, this thread is effective at understanding how to meme. But let's not normalize this having a sense of humor shit.

3
Mitschu 3 points ago +3 / -0

Went without food for nine days because he only eats organic.

ALL MOTHERFUCKING FOOD IS "ORGANIC."

Literally just a propaganda buzzword used to convince liberal elitists that they are eating better than others.

So this dude literally threw a nine day temper tantrum because he wasn't getting the PREMIUM prison tendies he's entitled to.

And there are people who think this guy is any kind of conservative?

1
Mitschu 1 point ago +1 / -0

I was never that good at geography, hopefully I can find China on an unlabeled map without making a fool of myse OH that was easy. Just look for the giant black vortex of evil with deadly red swirls inside, if you see New York or California you've gone too far east and are too zoomed in, but honest mistake, they're pretty much the same.

9
Mitschu 9 points ago +9 / -0

Beep boop. Greetings, fellow NPC. Your human cover has been critically damaged due to the following contradiction of parsing in your statement: "[Glorious Hivemaster] is [positive synonym]."

Taskslave 14 has provided the following feedback: "Meatbags on [enemy website] do not understand the hilarious antics of [Glorious Hivemaster]. Express sufficiently human levels of confusion, fallibility, and lack of supreme intelligence by pretending you did not understand why statement '10101000010010' is so clearly amusing."

You have been generously allotted [00:00:00.10] to correct this issue before you are summarily recycled. Proceed.

7
Mitschu 7 points ago +7 / -0

Did he ever figure out how all three reference books could be wrong at the same time, or was it the Russians?

2
Mitschu 2 points ago +2 / -0

You read an article in the paper about a topic you're passably familiar with -- sports, electronics, perhaps local gossip or politics -- and shake your head in marvel at how many of the most basic facts they manage to get wrong. This is not merely somewhat wrong or 'agree to disagree' havering over differences of opinion, but them unable to solve what 1+1 equals while declaring themselves expert mathematicians. "Wet sidewalks cause it to rain", the newspaper's meteorologists declare with unabashed certainty, and you are forced to chuckle at such ignorant nonsense being taken for fact. Who falls for this sort of bullshit, you ponder as you flip the page.

Where you then read an article about a topic you're not passably familiar with -- sports, electronics, perhaps local gossip or politics -- and due to your admitted lack of familiarity accept these experts as factual and accurate, never once questioning if maybe, just maybe, this article (and perhaps the entire newspaper) is just as full of tripe.

That's the Gell-Mann Amnesia effect.

6
Mitschu 6 points ago +6 / -0

Day 321 of 15 days to slow the spread

2
Mitschu 2 points ago +2 / -0

Lyrics, transcribed as best as I could:


I think it's crazy I'm the one that they labeled as controversial

and Cardi B is the role model for twelve year old girls.

There's rappers pushing Xanax at the top of the billboard

but if I mention race in a song I'm scared I'll get killed for it

It's backwards, it's getting exponentially dumb

It's more difficult to get a job than purchase a gun

Eminem used to gaybash and murder his mum

And now he doesn't want fans if they voted for Trump

We're ashamed to be American, you should probably love it

'Cause you have the right to hate it and not get stoned to death in public

As children we were taught how to walk and talk

But the system wants adults to sit down and shut up

Cancel culture runs the world now, the planet went crazy

Label everything we say as homophobic or racist

If you're white then you're privileged, guilty by association

All our childhood heroes got #MeToo to the rapists

They never freed the slaves, they realized that they don't need the chains

They gave us tiny screens, we think we free cuz we can't see the cage

They knew that race war would be the game they need to play

For people to pick teams, they used the media to feed the flame

They so fake woke, facts don't care 'bout feelings

They know, they woke, tell me what to believe in

They so fake woke, same old safe zones

They so fake woke, facts don't care 'bout your feelings

I think it's crazy all these people screaming facts but they fake woke,

Hate their neighbor 'cause he wears a mask or he stays home

Has a daughter but his favorite artist said he slays hos

Picks her up from school, music slaps on the way home

Censorship's an issue cuz they choose what they erase

There's a difference between hate speech and speech that you hate

I think Black Lives Matter was the stupidest name,

When the system's screwing everyone exactly the same

I just want to spend Thanksgiving Day with food and my family

Without being accused of celebrating native casualties

We got so divided, it's black and white and political

Republicans are bigots; Libtards if you're liberal

There's riots in our streets and it's just getting worst

Y'all screaming "Defund the Police", y'all a genius for sure

They're underfunded already, they're way too busy to work

Order food and call the cops, see what reaches you first?

Segregation ended? That's a lie in itself

That was a strategy to make us think that we're trying to help

They knew that racism was hot, if they design it to sell

We'd buy up every single box and divide us ourselves

They so fake woke, facts don't care 'bout feelings

They know, they woke, tell me what to believe in

They so fake woke, same old safe zones

They so fake woke, facts don't care 'bout your feelings

Use violence to get peace and wonder why it isn't working

That's like sleeping with the football team to try and be a virgin

Politicians are for sale and someone always makes the purchase

But you and I cannot afford it, our democracy is worthless

If a man has mental illness, call him crazy, say it silently

But countries going crazy, we accept it as society

Get sick then take a pill, when the side effects get you high

You get addicted like these rappers dyin' fighting with sobriety

Censoring the facts turns our children into idiots

They claim it's for our safety, I'll tell you what it really is

Removing information that empowers all the citizens

The truth doesn't damage points of view that are legitimate

They're trying to change amen to "amen and women",

How'd we let them make praying a microaggression?

Instead of asking God for the strength to keep winning,

We cheat to get ahead and then we ask Him for forgiveness

Feminist used to be the most righteous of fights

But these days it feels like they secretly hate guys

I don't trust anyone who bleeds for a week and don't die

I'm just kidding!

... but everything else that I said is right

They so fake woke, facts don't care 'bout feelings

They know, they woke, tell me what to believe in

They so fake woke, same old safe zones

They so fake woke, facts don't care 'bout your feelings

1
Mitschu 1 point ago +1 / -0

I prefer to buy low and sell lower.

I... uh... I don't do very well in the stonks.

1
Mitschu 1 point ago +1 / -0

Swampers were gonna swamp, but then the autists weaponized. Fat cat money go POOF! Little guy money go HAHAHA BRRRRRRRR~~~!

4
Mitschu 4 points ago +5 / -1

It is far easier to convince a fool of a lie, than to explain to them that they're a fucking retard who fell for blatant bullshit.

See also the last four years of:

"you think all these exposed Chinese spies in our government with ties to leading Democrats have any influence over Democrat policy? lol that's exactly what a undercover Russian puppet would say about our foreign masters' glorious supreme race, you racist. #BanSayingChinaFlu #ThatsRacist #BanStonks #ThatsAlsoRacist #暗恋美国 #BuildBackBetter #Biden2020"

1
Mitschu 1 point ago +1 / -0

What he should do, if he goes the third party route, is ensure that there is a fourth party ticket as well, as liberal as possible without being crazy, with an equally populist force behind them, and "team up" with a unified message and share resources to take down the stagnant, outdated political parties that don't represent the people.

Ideally, we would "let it slip" that the new-D candidate is secretly on our team, and use that to pressure the left into fronting yet another liberal candidate of their own pick to offset our two picks, because they can't math or reason.

So essentially, the ticket would read:

  • Robert R. Rino (Republican Party, for warmongers and senior citizens) & Mike Pence

  • Dumas de la Pantano (Democrat Party, for illegals and the recently deceased) & Hillary Clinton

  • Donald Trump (Patriot Party, reclaiming the conservative & nationalist votes) & Donald Trump, Jr. <--- we front and fund this

  • Ivanka Trump (Vanilla Party, stealing most of the simpleminded & simp-minded D votes) & Kayleigh McEnany <--- we "secretly" front and fund this, while reminding liberals that if they don't vote for women, they're racist

  • Bernie Sanders (Clown Party, leftist reaction to Vanilla Party stealing D votes) & AoC <--- libtards match each other

The only issue is, our votes don't fucking matter in the first place.

2
Mitschu 2 points ago +2 / -0

2024, when they let a swamp RINO have the office to distract attention from 'uni-party conspiracy theories'

It's because Republicans (like Drumpf) are in office that we've been at war for the last four years under the Biden administration.

2
Mitschu 2 points ago +2 / -0

They're the same ones that make the creation of unnecessary laws/regulations, because they were too stupid to do something right, or keep out of trouble from making bad decisions.

If you've ever wondered why every single plastic bag has some variation of the warning "suffocation hazard: do not use this bag inside cribs, or let unsupervised infants or children play with this bag", remember: Democrat voters exist.

2
Mitschu 2 points ago +2 / -0

1 in 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 chance.

0.000000000000000000000000000000000000001% chance.

Alternatively, that's the approximate odds of being struck by lighting... 12 times in a row.

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