Love yourself first.
I did that during puberty.
Nearly went blind.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
"These are the times that dry men's souls"
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
I wrote a cook book once.
Here is one of my favorite recipes.
I got it from my doctor.
You know my doctor...
Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.
Set oven to 350 degrees.
On a large dry surface detube 11 standard length (approximately 114') rolls of toilet paper. If you use the perforated kind of toilet paper separate into individual pieces using the perforations. If you have the non-perforated toilet paper you will have to use scissors and cut the toilet paper into 5" strips. Don't try tearing using a straight edge or counter edge. You will end up with jagged edges. (Cutting every 5" should yield 5" inch by 4" rectangles.) Large pinking shears create a unique effect. Important note: If you have two ply toilet paper [only comes perforated] you will only need 6 rolls of toilet paper - detube as instructed above but separate the the two layers of toilet paper before you separate using the perforations. Also, only use 1/2 of the 6th roll in order to equal the 11 rolls needed (discard excess). Set toilet paper rectangles aside until all other ingredients are thoroughly mixed.
Empty 2 tubes of toothpaste into a very, very large mixing bowl or medium size cauldron. Personally I use a small portable cement mixer that I keep for just this recipe. Use a small diameter dowel to roll the toothpaste tube from the end. Use a non-flavored toothpaste. Menthol, mint, or other flavors will overwhelm other ingredients.
Next, crumble three large frozen pizzas into bite size pieces. This is why I use the small cement mixer. The pizza pieces, though bite size, are frozen and will jam your common mixer. Unless you have access to a large industrial food mixer, when it comes time to mix all the ingredients, you will be mixing by hand. Plain cheese frozen pizzas are easiest to mix (by hand), the meat from the various pepperoni, chicken, ham, etc. tend to detach and jam most home style mixers. Be sure to remove the pineapple bits if you use frozen Hawaiian pizzas. Don't mix pizza types. Stick to one type of pizza at a time.
Add 11 cans of diet Dr. Pepper. Of all the ingredients this is the one that Boombatz says never to substitute with any other kind of soda, diet or otherwise.
Add 1 and 1/2 cans of Copenhagen to the mix. Set remaining 1/2 can of Copenhagen aside for later.
Mix thoroughly. This is where the small cement mixer is a godsend. Once mixture is uniform, begin adding the toilet paper rectangles one at a time. Once each rectangle is completely dissolved in the mixture add another one. Don't think you can shorten the process by using the highly soluble toilet paper for marine or for portable toilet use. Your mixture will not hold together properly and will not rise during the baking process.
When you have mixed in all the toilet paper rectangles, pour mixture into a large baking dish, place on lower rack in oven and bake for 3 hours. After two hours begin checking every few minutes. When the edges just begin to brown remove from oven, garnish with remaining Copenhagen, serve while still warm. Do not put leftovers in the refrigerator or freezer. Leftovers will not spoil. Reheat covered with tin foil at 250 degrees for 30 minutes.
Don't worry about using up all your toilet paper.
You won't shit for two months.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
I'm not worried about Coronavirus.
Everyone should go see my doctor.
You know my doctor...
Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.
Saw this thing coming years ago.
Put me on a strict regime of social distancing.
Not a sniffle in 16 years.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
Gotta admit...
I'm a little jealous.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
I've been preparing for years.
I meet a good looking broad.
She takes one look.
Before I can say a word she says...
"You had me at goodbye."
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
That was no bat...
That was my wife.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
myredditnameisfake...
Come by my place anytime.
ELYSIANFIELD'S
Bring a friend.
Drinks on the house.
(RIP Rodeny Dangerfield)
Trump is this close...
https://youtu.be/sOLn_-IHxzQ (26 sec)
To "I don't get no respect!"
He's already got the dark suit and red tie.
Its just a matter of time...
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
A definite "Q" proof.
"Its going to be biblical."
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
Read the police report.
MIAMI POLICE REPORT
OFFENCE INCIDENT
CASE REPORT SUMMARY
2020-0002-1902
"MR GILLUM LEFT THE HOTEL ROOM AND RETURNED HOME WITHOUT INCIDENT."
What idiot would hire a male stripper named "Incident"?
That's just asking for it.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
Kevin Bacon.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
You know you're dead when people don't remember people not remembering Naked Gun references.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
Its posts like this that really chap my ass!
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
My wife and I are in Italy.
Under quarantine.
She's been in a line to buy food for over two hours.
Texted me...
"25 people ahead of me..."
"one in... one out."
I texted back...
"Like communism and bread lines."
"We're feeling the Bern."
She texted back...
"Marx Madness!"
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
1980
Gas shortage.
Odd-even number license plate - day of the week rationing.
Right in the middle of it moved from the west coast to the east coast.
Still had California plates on my car.
Long line of cars, waiting for the truck to finish filling the tanks at the station.
Leaning on the hood of my car... waiting.
Guy in front of me gets out his car.
Sees the plates.
Walks up.
Says, "What? You drive all the way from California to get gas?"
Everybody's a comedian, right?
I look him right in the eye...
And without any hint of sarcasm tell him...
"The lines are shorter."
96 rolls of toilet paper on the shelf...
96 rolls of toilet paper.
Take one down...
Shove it up your ass...
95 rolls of toilet paper on the shelf.
95 rolls of toilet paper on the shelf...
95 rolls of toilet paper.
Take one down...
Shove it up your ass...
94 rolls of toilet paper on the shelf.
94 rolls of toilet paper on the shelf...
94 rolls of toilet paper.
Take one down...
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
I got worried about this virus thing.
So I went to see my doctor.
You know my doctor...
Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.
I told him I wanted one of those tests.
He asked if I had any symptoms.
I told him I'd been having difficulty breathing.
He said, "Rodney...,"
"You're dead."
"You can't breathe!"
What a relief.
I thought I was a goner.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
My sides.
This is some of the best sit down comedy I've ever read.
ProgressiveLiberal should be the comedian at the next Washington Correspondents' Dinner.
My sides.
He can play my new club anytime.
You know my new club...
ELYSIANFIELD'S.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
Got this image in my head.
Can't not see it.
Biden shows up to debate Trump.
Walks out on stage when they announce his name.
Got this long trail of toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
Trump has this "the jig is up" look on his face.
Paper trail.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
Bradley Manning Attempts Suicide.
Guy obviously wasn't at the end of his rope.
Hey!
What's the difference between knowing Assange...
And not knowing Epstein?
Manning didn't kill himself.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
"I appeal to everyone who can do me absolutely no good."
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
My mom didn't vote for Trump in 2016.
My mom doesn't care for Trump.
My mom just told me she's voting for Trump in 2020.
Now I gotta move her casket to Broward County.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)
Media now reporting Biden sister/wife mix up...
https://youtu.be/wacY29iMuUs (16 seconds)
Was really Joe trying out for Bloomberg financed remake of 'Chinatown'...
https://youtu.be/0IBZocFkXGY (24 seconds)
Or what the rest of us call...
The 2020 Presidential Election.
Now I know my dad was fooling around.
(RIP Rodney Dangerfield)