Sorry in advance for the long read, but I'm on 3 or 4 different drugs right now and it's making me feel weird. I feel like I'm watching myself half the time when I talk.

I security at a hospital, and they COVID test me every week. Even with the shitty antigen tests that give false positives I've been clean the entire time. I've been coughed, sneezed, and drooled on, and nothing got through the N95. Cloth masks are about as good as fishnet condoms, but N95 works great as long as you throw it out once it's contaminated.

Wednesday afternoon I was exercising my constitutional rights with a few thousand members of my household, wearing my N95. There was a guy in the crowd about 5'8" and 350 pounds or so with swollen calves, wearing compression socks, velcro shoes, shorts, and one of the shirts from a merch tent that clearly didn't have his size in stock. He was wheezing so loud I could hear him from 6 feet away. I respect his, but he should not have been there.

We were in an office petitioning for redress of grievances when a bunch of officers in riot gear showed up. The one in front shouted that we needed to leave the office and go out into the hallway. He wasn't even kicking us out of the building, just that office. The fat guy decides to play civics professor and walks up to him, gets right in his face about an inch away, and wheezes "This is the people's house, you can't" and then I hear a pop and he gets launched over a table and the room starts filling with smoke.

I'm not sure what was in the canister, but it didn't smell like CS or OC. It made me feel kind of sick, but it wasn't debilitating. Four officers walked right past the guy on the floor toward the back of the office to start pushing everyone out to the hall.

I went to check on the fat guy, who had his mouth wide open and not moving. I started trying to lift him, someone else came to help, and we dragged him into the hall. I noticed his eyes were following us around normally, and his pupils were normal, so I rolled him on his side. After a few seconds he gasped and started wheezing really fast. He puked twice, then rolled over on his back and took some slow breaths. He gasped out "winded" and went back to slow breaths. I think being overweight saved his life. There was a 40mm purple crescent moon sticking out between his shorts and his shirt.

The gas was spreading low, so he started breathing it in before I even noticed it. He coughed several times and we tried to lift him up out of the smoke so we could get him further away. I didn't have a good grip, so I leaned in to reposition, and just as I did he let out the loudest cough I've ever heard. I couldn't see because my eyes were covered in blood and mucus. He said "Sorry bro" and his voice sounded a little different. I stepped away to decontaminate, but it was everywhere. The N95 stayed on, but it was contaminated, so I bagged it along with wipes, and gloves, took out my spare mask and gloves, and rejoined the crowd. I looked back and he was walking on his own already. Dude should have been dead 2 or 3 different ways, but he's an absolute beast. He's probably diabetic, which is a huge risk factor for COVID complications, he definitely has a moderate case of COVID, he took a contact shot in the gut on bare skin that knocked the wind out of him for longer than I can hold my breath, he got gassed, and he was up and walking a minute later like he had just taken a power shit that left him a little sore but gave him a new lease on life. I hope he went to a hospital though, because he probably uncorked a lung bleed.

I've seen a nurse get coughed on like that before while double-masked, but without a face shield. She was positive 2 days later and one of her eyes looked weird, so they think she got it through her eye. I got vaccinated last week but I haven't had the second shot yet so it's not full strength. I knew a test yesterday wouldn't show anything, so I didn't bother and just traveled home. This morning is about the earliest that COVID could possibly show up, so I got to work and asked for a PCR test instead of an antigen test, and we've got our own lab so it only costs like $10 and they just gave it to me no questions asked.

I was outside smoking at the beginning of my lunch break, feeling fine, when one of the nurses walks out, stops about 10 feet away, and tells me I'm positive and that I should come back in the COVID door. I've seen them do this thousands of times, often for people who already had positive tests, and for the first time I realized how weird it was that they were still taking my temperature and asking about my symptoms when they already knew what I had. I felt fine, so I said I didn't need to see a doctor and I'd rather just go home and quarantine. I'm union so it's paid 100%, though I won't get overtime for the next two weeks.

The nurse said there was a researcher who wanted to see me, and took me to an exam room and took my vitals. A minute later a doctor walks in and asks me how I'm feeling, sounding really concerned. I told him I felt fine, and he looked at the chart, commented that my pulse ox looked really good, and asked me if I wanted to be in a study. It covers 100% of medical expenses, no deductible or copay, as long as I don't go to the ICU.

When you take a COVID test you normally just get back a result that says whether or not the virus was detected, but when the lab does PCR they can tell the difference between a little virus and a lot of virus. That doesn't necessarily mean much, because it really just means how much got on the swab, but they think it may be correlated with viral load.

The doctor asked if I had any idea how I might have been exposed, so I told him about the bloody cough. He chuckled and said "Well, yeah, that'll do it" and handed me a folder full of disclosures and a consent form. It's a double-blind study, so he doesn't even know if I'm getting the drug or a placebo, but apparently it's not a known interaction risk so I can take anything they'd normally give me for COVID complications. He then asked me a very long list of questions, including whether or not I've ever had a period and if so when it was. It wasn't like he grabbed the wrong form either, because he also asked if I have ever experienced erectile dysfunction. I asked him why the hell the questionnaire has both of those questions on it, and he said "We're not supposed to assume"

After filling out the paperwork he gave me a pill bottle and a cup of water for my first dose. I took the pill, and then he asked me more questions. It was mostly the medical history they ask on a standard intake form, but more questions about cardiovascular health. At this point I was 2 hours overdue for lunch, and I hadn't had a big breakfast either, so I was feeling lightheaded. I mentioned this to him and he looked at me like I had a laser dot on my forehead. He told me to lie down on the table and went to get a nurse. She immediately took my vitals again and hooked me up to a saline bag. I told them I was just hungry, but they said they have to treat all adverse conditions for the study. I asked if the study covered food. Apparently it covers anything from the patient care fridge where they charge $20 for a nurse to open the door, take out as much or as little food as you ask for, and bring it back to you. It didn't cover anything from the cafeteria though, because that's not considered medical treatment.

I had been planning on getting a $7 burger meal, but I've never had a $20 ice cream bar, so I decided I'd take them up on that. They also brought me an apple juice box to get my blood sugar back up faster. The $20 ice cream bar was okay. Three stars. I kind of wolfed it down though, and got a brain freeze. For those who are unaware, those are caused by the nerves in your teeth getting too cold, and they go away when your teeth warm up again. Since all the liquids around were cold, I just breathed long and hard across them to warm them up like my dad taught me when I was a kid. The doctor saw me doing this and said "I'm admitting you." I tried telling him it was just a brain freeze, but he said they can't take the chance while I'm on the study, and reminded me that I wasn't paying for it.

The clinic nurse led me into an empty room, which is pretty rare to find these days unless roommates both go to the ICU at about the same time. I guess that's a perk of being a hospital employee. So there I was in a bed in the hospital I work at, and a smoking hot Asian nurse I used to chat with a few times a week before the pandemic had me spending most of my time at the urgent care door came in, recognized me, and said in a kind of pouty voice "Oh no, they got you too! They got me a month ago, but at least I'm mostly immune now. Let me help you get comfortable." She was wearing a mask and a face shield and scrubs but she was still hot. I told her about the skipped lunch and the brain freeze and she laughed and told me that they're paranoid with all the study patients because the drug company can lose their liability protection if anyone has a side effect that wasn't disclosed during trials.

She checked my chart, then looked me over very conspicuously. As she turned back toward the chart computer she knocked the pen I'd been using to fill out forms off the side table. She bent over to pick it up, ass right up against the bed rail. That did it. I haven't been laid in 11 months, but I watched this porno last week and suddenly I'm living it. I instantly got rock hard. I'm almost certain she saw. She said "Let me adjust your pillows," which is not a thing that nurses actually do for patients who are able to do it themselves, and leaned over me, tits almost in my face, wiggled the pillows a little, and then looked straight down at me, smiled, and softly said "Do you feel comfortable now?"

I told her I felt very comfortable, and started to reach up to her, when the door opened. A fat black nurse wheeled in a tranny and I instantly went soft. Well, partially soft. The penis has two erectile chambers (not sure what the technical term is for those) side by side, and if one of them has more blood than the other, that side of your dick is longer so it bends to the other side. When I was younger my dick used to bend a little to the right, which I guess is the correct direction if you're going to have some sort of bend, but it was a little uncomfortable. It didn't get straightened out until I started getting laid regularly. I actually asked my doctor about that at the time, and he said it was due to higher testosterone level rather than anything mechanical. Anyway, it was bending again, but far more than it had in the past. There's probably a different porno out there where a fat black nurse and a tranny join in, but that was not the one I wanted to recreate live, so my right side went completely soft, but the left side stayed hard. Like, painfully hard.

The hot asian nurse helped the fat black nurse get his IVs set up, and then they both left. She gave me a sheepish look as the walked out the door. So there I was admitted to the hospital I work at, having just had a literal fantasy encounter cut short, with a painful half-erection pointed sideways as the tranny on the other side of the room. That's when it hit me. Even the left wing of my own dick is gay.

Of course, I'm not really gay, and this wasn't really a normal erection. Given the question about erectile dysfunction on the study medical history sheet, I thought it might be a side effect, which would mean I'm in the trial group, but if I'm in the control group then it's probably a COVID complication. Sometimes COVID leaves your lungs and starts fucking up your blood vessels, and blood is what the erectile chambers fill up with, so I thought that might be related.

I pushed the call button and the fat black nurse came back, and I was equal parts relieved that I didn't have to explain this to the hot asian nurse and horrified that I did have to explain it to the fat black nurse in front of the tranny. I told her what was going on and asked her if she knew which group I was in. Of course she didn't, but I wasn't thinking entirely clearly by that point. She said it didn't matter since the treatment would be the same either way, but I could withdraw from the study at any time if I wanted to. Of course, then every medical expense incurred from that moment on would go towards my deductible and I'd be paying $2000 out of pocket before insurance kicked in. I agreed to stay in the study, and she went away.

A few minutes later the researcher came in and asked me more questions, then filed a prescription. The hot Asian nurse brought it in, gave me a little wink, and then left. I don't even remember what they said it was, but my dick went soft about a half hour later. It was kind of all at once, like unplugging a toilet. They decided to keep me overnight for observation in case I have blood clots. They still can't find out whether or not I'm in the trial group without removing me from the trial, but neither priapism nor erectile dysfunction are on the disclosure sheet, so it's probably not a side effect even if I am in the trial group. I've probably got COVID blood clots. I don't have any risk factors, but unless my dick became half gay in the past 2 days, that's the most likely explanation. They've got me on blood thinners, something that sounded like a steroid, and some kind of blocker that I'm a little too foggy to remember. You'd think I'd be out like a light, but I haven't slept at all tonight. They don't usually put trannies in rooms with normal men, but I guess they ran out of rooms again.

All this because some dude who should have stayed home decided to fuck around with police. When they came in the office, they didn't really give a shit, they just wanted us to go out in the hallway, but when he got up in that officer's face the officer took it personally. Don't make that mistake. You can't trust that they'll all be on our side, but mostly they'll leave you alone if you don't piss them off. And if you see gas, remember that it settles and spreads and will probably irritate every moist surface on your body, which is especially rough on anything already inflamed sue to injury or illness.

Be careful out there.