It's incredibly impressive the information this guy has uncovered. For example: there is this son-of-a-bitch in a red Honda Fit that has been taking my assigned parking spot every day for the last two weeks. I decided today was going to be the day that I got there early to confront the cocksucker and get my revenge. I set my alarm for 7:30 instead of 8, when I usually wake up. I even went to bed early to be ready for this. I usually stay up later to watch TV shows on my laptop in bed. It really makes no sense that I watch the shows on my laptop because I have a 50" TV in my bedroom...I'm just too lazy to hook my laptop up to the TV. The last time I did that, I fell asleep and when the show was over, my desktop background was burned into the screen all night and it took like a week to fade away. I guess that's what I get for buying a plasma TV, but fuck it, that was the cheapest 50" TV I've ever bought. I remember when those TVs used to be like $2400. Now they have one at Best Buy for $500. That's crazy!
I wish my people in my state did this, anyone want to set it up? I really like long road trips and convoys with friends and a few years ago I went on one. I had just bought a brand new Audi S3, fully loaded. This thing was absoultely sick. A few days after I bought it, I drove it to Chester to gamble at the Harrah's casino. I left it in the parking garage and proceeded to have a ridiculous night of drinking and gambling inside. I was so caught up at craps that I completely lost track of time. This one dude at the table must have hit twelve points in a row - I made a fucking killing off of him. I think by the end of the night, I was up $3100. I decided to use this money to buy a new bed and mattress, because the one I was sleeping on at the time was garbage. It stunk like hell because I used to date this girl who couldn't control her alcohol and would constantly piss the bed. It got so bad that I actually would put rubber sheets on when she came over. That girl was a lunatic. She would get mad at me for telling her to go to the bathroom before she went to bed so she wouldn't piss my bed. I think I'm going to find out where she is living now and piss on her bed just to get her back.
I get it, no one likes when bad shit leaks about your past. Hell, I'm lucky, it is almost 15 years later, and my parents still have no idea that it was me and my brother's fault simply because we covered it up. We were having fun in the backyard setting things on fire and watching them burn (mostly shitty toys), when my brother thought it would be cool if we built a fort in the basement, set fire to it, and then played "firefighter" to put it out. Our forts usually consisted of putting two couches together with a badass hallway made of chairs with a sheet draped over them. we would have trenches behind the fort and call our sister down to the basement for bullshit reasons, and then ambush her with Nerf guns. My favorite nerf gun was this lever action one. It only held 8 shots, but those darts came out faster than any of the other guns. Even that battery powered one that chucked nerf balls out. That one actually sucked because it took too long to warm up, and everyone could hear me coming a mile away during a nerf battle. I preferred to be stealthy and that gun didn't help me out at all. When that gun broke, I was actually glad. Fuck that gun.
I'm black and I'll tell you, I can accept responsibility for my communities problems and try to help fix them. Once, I made the horrible mistake of not wearing a condom when I was fucking this stage 5 clinger psycho girl. The only condom I could have used was the one in my wallet, but I noticed that it was all smushed and the wrapper was torn, so all the lube had probably dried up. I don't even know why I bother keeping condoms in my wallet, because they all inevitably end up shitty like that. Also, it makes it very uncomfortable to sit on. Not as bad as when my roommate paid my rent in single dollar bills, though. He works as a bartender so he pays me with his tip money, which is usually a wad of 300 single dollar bills. What the hell am I gonna do with those? I don't go to the strip club nearly enough to have that be useful, and besides, when you go to strip clubs, they always have a guy at the door that will give you singles for your money so it makes no sense to bring your own singles anyway.
Human trafficking is no joke, back when I went to Penn State, I was a pizza delivery guy during the night. One night, I was delivering a pizza off-campus, when this smoking hot girl answers the door completely topless and in some pink panties. She told me she didn't have enough money for the pizza and wanted to know if we could "work something out". When that happens, our boss usually tells us to just bring the food back and we end up getting to eat it ourselves. Sometimes it works out great, like this one huge order we had (over $90 of food) got brought back, so I just took a bunch of it and ate it for a week. The only thing that sucked was the cheesesteak. I don't like when they make cheesesteaks with cheese on top of slices of steak. You gotta chop up the steak and mix in the cheese. There was a place in town that did that next to this bar called The Phyrst, and their cheesesteaks were fucking delicious. The only thing that sucked was when I would walk there at 3 AM, drunk and hungry as hell, only to find out that they closed early. Fuck that. I ended up having to get this pizza down the road but it was greasy as hell and gave me heartburn.
Being brave enough to tell the truth in a bad situation is basically a life skill for a guy like me. Once, before I got better, I thought I was completely fucked. I was driving while drunk as fuck, had a HUGE bag of weed on the passenger seat, an unregistered Glock in the glovebox, and a trunk full of stolen electronics. I was on my way home from the bar when I see I am headed right into a DUI checkpoint. There was no way I could turn around, either. I don't even normally go down that road, but I wanted to stop at a Wawa (convenience store) before I went home so I could get a chicken wrap I could eat for breakfast in the morning. The fucking Wawa was out of chicken caesar wraps, so I had to get the buffalo chicken wrap which I'm not normally a fan of. Don't get me wrong, I like spicy shit, I just don't like the way Wawa's buffalo chicken wraps taste. The one time I couldn't even finish eating it and I ended up throwing it out and eating some of my roommate's Chinese food. He still has no idea I ate it.
No shit getting caught in a lie can ruin your life. For instance, Ever since I was 12, I have always wanted to bang a porn star. I am 29 now, and last year my dream unexpectedly came true. I was in Vegas for my friend Mike's bachelor party. We were staying at the MGM Grand and had a whole night of debauchery planned out because once Mike got married, that was the last we would ever see of him. His fiancee was this controlling cunt that I absolutely hated. A few years ago she actually made us turn the TV off during Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals (Flyers/Blackhawks). As a die-hard Flyers fan, I flipped the fuck out on her and peed in her shampoo bottle without her knowing. I wonder if her hair smelled like pee after that.
This is the kind of governmental red tape bullshit that ruins counties, the FAA is a prime example of this. I was on a flight from Philly to O'Hare when the weather started getting really choppy. All of the sudden, the plane hits a bump and I just get this weightlessness feeling like the plane is dropping out of the sky. Almost instantly after that, all of the oxygen masks release from the ceiling and the captain gets on the radio and tells us to brace for impact. I didn't have my seatbelt buckled at the time because it had that extra seatbelt thing attached to it for really fat people. I'm not fat but I guess the guy who sat there before me must have weighed like 400 pounds or something. It pisses me off when I am boarding a plane and they let the fat guy go before the first class ticket holders because he is considered to have a disability. It also fucking pisses me off that they let people with small children on before me. Like c'mon motherfucker I paid for a first class ticket to avoid this bullshit, and now a family of 20 gets to board before me just because they have a 7-year-old kid. Is the kid retarded? He can't find his seat when the plane is already full? Give me a fucking break. Fuck kids.
The fact BLM won talk black on black crime is a joke. I was walking down the street in a bad section of Philly one night when these three guys just walked up to a guy standing on the corner and shot him in the face. I was about ten feet away, and they must not have noticed me until after they shot the guy. None of them were wearing masks, and they all just turned and looked at me. The one guy said "we can't let him go, he saw everything." But I really didn't get a good look at any of them until they turned around and looked at me. They could have just run away and I would have had no idea who they were. I'm sure it was just some drug related killing, as that shit happens all the time. Not a week earlier, a guy was shot a few blocks away for an unpaid drug debt. I was pissed that happened because the police closed off the entire block for like eight hours, and all I wanted to do was get a slice of pizza at this local pizza shop on that block. That guy must have been pissed that the cops blocked all of his customers from getting pizza. I ended up having to go to a Subway a few blocks away, but the sandwich was real shitty. I do not recommend getting the turkey bacon and ranch. In fact, I don't recommend Subway at all. Quiznos is so much better.
What the Dems pulled at the last one is typical shit for that party (and it's supporters) when my grandfather passed away, he had a rather large funeral of about 300+ people. I had to go up to the front of the church and present his cremated ashes in a ceramic urn to my grandmother. As I was carrying this VERY expensive urn, it dawned on me that I was still a little bit drunk from earlier in the day (the wake had a bar, so I was getting hammered). Most funerals don't have wakes with bars, but my grandfather was a bit of an alcoholic and specified that his funeral would have a bar in his will. He must have spent a lot of time thinking of some of the crazy shit that was in that will. He wanted us to take some of his ashes 75 miles out to sea and dump them. The weather was terrible when we decided to do it so they made it a whopping 1.5 miles from Coney Island. I didn't want to drive that far in a fucking boat anyway. The Phillies had a 1:00 game that day and I was trying to watch it, and would have missed the entire thing if we went out that far into the ocean. I think the Mets ended up winning that game though. Fuck the Mets.
Watching someone die is a strange thing...when I was younger, I thought it was just someone playing a practical joke on me. Many years later, I realized that I actually watched 17 people fall to their deaths. I was visiting Disney World with my parents. They hadn't really planned it until my dad was assigned a business trip in Orlando, so he booked a big room at the Dolphin Resort so we could all stay there. The Dolphin Resort pool was pretty sweet, but the hotel next to it had this badass pool with a giant pirate ship water slide. People actually climed the pirate ship and then went through this tunnel water slide into a pool. Even cooler - the pool had SAND in it! It felt like I was in the ocean. I started diving into the sand trying to find shells and shit, but it was just sand. I got really upset and my dad had to take me to an actual beach so I could find shells there. The beach sucked though because it was really windy and the sand kept blowing and pelting my legs and it kinda stung. I don't think I brought any shells home with me either.
Saudi Arabian pede here, this amounts to censorship. You would not believe how much censorship has been going on during the Olympics. Take the women's synchronized swimming for example. I came home from work to watch it on TV, but as soon as I turn on the TV, I realize that the satellite dish is acting up. This is usually normal when it is raining or windy, but it was neither that day. One day we had a sandstorm and that knocked the satellite out for a while, too. That sucked because I left my window open and when the sandstorm hit, it got sand all over all of my shit. I had to take my bedsheets to the laundromat because that shit would NOT come out. I didn't have any coins for the machine either and they wouldn't make change, so I had to go buy a slice of kalkalash just to break a denar. Fucking bullshit. I don't even like kalkalash.
17 years on the job as Military Police here. I've been offered all sorts of crazy stuff to let the suspect go, but only once have I actually taken someone up on her offer. I was arresting a girl who was 20 years old for underage drinking. I was 25 at the time, and this girl was smoking hot. While I was walking her to my patrol car, she said she would make it "very worthwhile" for me to let her go. This was enticing because I had just broken up with my girlfriend a week earlier. She said she was tired of me watching sports all the time and not paying enough attention to her. But this was during the "Legion of Doom" era of the Philadelphia Flyers. How could I not watch that shit? Those were the glory days. I actually saw Eric Lindros signing autographs at a mall a few months ago. I didn't have any hockey stuff for him to sign, so I had him sign a cup of lemonade I bought from Auntie Anne's. I only had a medium sized cup because their shit is so goddamn expensive now. $3.50 for a fucking pretzel? Go fuck yourself, Auntie Anne.
This was my goal when I found a girl to live with on Craigslist. It turned out she was hot as hell. She would always walk around in just a bra and yoga pants with her tight ass, bending over to pick stuff up, etc. She said she had a boyfriend and made it clear right off the bat that nothing would happen between me and her. But then one night while I was watching TV, she came home drunk as shit with one of her hot friends. They both sat on either side of me and were being real flirty, rubbing my legs and shit. This was a predicament for me, because I was watching a movie I ordered on-demand and I only had 2 hours left before it expired. I ordered it the day before and would have watched it then, but I forgot that the Eagles were playing that night. Those stupid Thursday Night Football games are a load of bullshit. I almost missed one of them because I didn't have the NFL network and had to call up Comcast and deal with those assholes. The guy wouldn't sign me up for it because I was past due on my bill. But I wasn't going to pay it because they started charging me for Showtime even though I had it free for 6 months. You think you can just slip in a $15 monthly charge to my bill and I'm not gonna notice? I don't fucking think so, Comcast. Fuck you.
These people will destroy things just because they are angry. I had to evict my worst tenant...it ended in a 5 hour standoff with SWAT and my carpet being ruined with flashbang burns. This guy was the worst. He never paid his rent on time. I constantly received noise complaints from his neighbors. The final straw was when I received complaints of strange odors coming from his apartment. One of the older tenants told me that she smelled something funny coming from his aparment. I asked if it was weed, because I don't really care if my tenants smoke weed in their apartments. I knew several tenants smoked weed in their apartments but they were cool and the one guy used to invite me over for parties he was having all the time. I stopped getting invited to them though because I ended up hooking up with some girl that he had a thing for and that apparently pissed him off. She was a 7 at best so I don't know why he got so upset. She wouldn't stop calling me after that and I had to change my number. The way I see it, I helped that guy dodge a bullet with this girl. He should have thanked me. Fuckin' prick.
Don't let them take your guns. I was filling my car up at a gas station in a bad part of town. While I was out at the pump, a guy with a gun went inside and stuck it in the clerk's face. I wasn't going to get involved, but then I saw him pistol whip this poor clerk, who must have been 75 years old, right in his face. I have my CCW and keep a .40 Sig Sauer P250 in my glovebox at all times. I never even drew it on anyone before that night. I took it to an indoor range every now and then for practice, but I recently bought a Springfield M1A and the range won't let me shoot .308 in there. I had to find an outdoor range to go to, but all of the ones around here required you to join their stupid little club and attend a meeting. I picked one club because they had a 500 yard range, but holy fuck was that meeting a waste of time. No girls to hit on (that was expected), and the coffee/donuts were terrible. I think they just went through a dumpster at Dunkin Donuts and took all of the stale ones that they threw out. I did swipe a jelly donut though and I was able to blow that donut to hell 200 yards out. I was hoping for pink mist because of the jelly but that didn't happen.
I was always paranoid the government was spying on me. I actually used to be a small time dealer in college. Just enough to make a little cash on the side. One night when I needed a re-up, my supplier was dry but he said if I came along to his resupply I could just pick up my shit there. Sounded simple enough. If I knew at the time that this involved witnessing a guy get shot three times, I would have just stayed at home. So we get to the supplier's place, and it is mad sketchy. Dude was a bit of a gun nut. As soon as I walk in, there are handguns and shotguns laid out all over a table, with drugs scattered around them. Garbage was everywhere. However, the weirdest thing I saw was an empty soda cup from In N Out Burger. That was a west coast burger place, and we were in Philly. How the fuck did that dude get In N Out Burger? Did they open one in Philly? I was excited, and pulled out my phone to check their store locations. The closest one was in Texas. I made a mental note to go there next time I was in Austin (I traveled there a lot for business), but I ended up going to a steakhouse instead and got a porterhouse. It was pretty damn good and they used this weird sauce I never heard of called Bearnaise sause. That shit was delicious.
We had an information breach at my office once, so they sent me home early until they could sniff through everyone's computers. I figured I would surprise my wife who had the day off. When I got there, there was a car I had never seen before in the driveway. As I entered the house, I heard her familiar moans coming from our bedroom. The door was open, and I heard another guy in there fucking her. They didn't know I was home! It is one thing to have a cheating wife, but this, to catch her in the act, was gold. I thought about what I should do, and made up my mind. I went into the garage to get my baseball bat, but it wasn't there. I was trying to remember where the fuck I left it when I realized that it was still in the trunk of my friend's car from our baseball tournament a few weeks ago. We got our asses handed to us that game because our starting pitcher had broken his leg a few days before while he was lifting weights. How the fuck does that happen? He seemed too embarrassed to tell any of us the full story and to this day I have no idea how he pulled that one off.
TL;DR: 5 years probation, but it was worth it
I was a cop for a couple years down south where the old "Dixiecrats" still had some sway. There were times when they bent the law pretty obviously. For instance, I once for two weeks suspension with pay and a letter of reprimand but it was totally worth it. We had this fucking prick in the department that always thought he was above the law. Nobody on the force really liked him and he was always an asshole to civilians he had to deal with. So here I am on the end of my patrol, and I see this asshole blow through a red light going at least 35 over. I know he wasn't responding to a call because there hadn't been anything on the radio in over ten minutes. The last call we had was a 459S which ended up being some jackass triggering the silent alarm at a bank. The fucking idiot said he "just wanted to see if it worked." I was going to write him up with a fine for wasting our time, but instead I decided to snag the entire bowl of lollipops that was sitting on the bank counter. I kept them in my car and it lasted me like 3 months. One time I even gave one to a drunk guy we arrested in exchange for him shutting the hell up. It worked, too. Can't beg me to let you go while you are sucking on a lollipop, can ya asshole?
Public education is a system in total collapse. I got into a fistfight with Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit during a setbreak at one of their concerts. It was at the Tweeter Center in Camden many years back when Limp Bizkit was still relevant. I'm not sure what the place is actually called now because they keep changing the name. Last I heard it was the Susquehanna Bank Center. I hate when places like that change their names...like where the Flyers play. To me, that will always be the CoreStates Center. But after that, it changed names like five times. I refuse to call it the Wachovia Center now. I just call it the Flyers Stadium. And yes, I'm aware the Sixers play there too, but I don't give a flying fuck about basketball. They should make the Sixers play where the Philadelphia Union play. Just keep all the shitty sports away from Philly, in Chester where they belong. Out of sight out of mind.
I used to work at police dispatch, I've heard a lot of people die on the line, but never like this. I took a call from an old man who said three guys with guns were trying to kick in his front door. He told me he had a shotgun and was asking me if he could shoot them if they were able to get inside. At the time, our state did not have a castle doctrine, which lets you use lethal force to defend your home from intruders. Our peace-loving hippy of a governor had shot down several attempts to get this law into place. It pissed me off even more because I already hated this guy during his campaign for governor because some asshole kept putting "Lynch '04" signs on my lawn. I actually set up a camera system to catch the guy that was doing it. Turns out it was my neighbor across the street. I was going to confront him, but he was never home when I was (probably out littering the city with signs) so I decided it would be best to just smash his mailbox. Three separate times. It was a blast. I think I might go do it again later, because fuck him.
No, it's robbery at best and maybe terrorism. I should know, I was a passenger on board Philippine Airlines Flight 812 (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philippine_Airlines_Flight_812) in 2000 when it was hijacked. None of us really realized what was happening at first. I was sleeping and awoke to a guy wearing a ski mask, holding a bag and demanding wallets from passengers. He was three rows up, so I had time to take all of the stuff out of my wallet that I didn't want to lose. I took my driver's license out, because I just had it renewed and it was a royal pain in the ass to do. The DMV isn't open on Sundays or Mondays, so I had to take a half day at work on Tuesday to get it done because those lazy fucks close at 4 PM. My boss gave me a ton of shit for taking the half day, too. Fuckin' asshole was always giving people shit for leaving early, but this prick showed up to work at 10:30 AM every day when we were supposed to start at 9. I got him back, though. I started turning off that lean lock thing chairs have, so when he went to lean back the chair would go way too far back and he would think he was going to fall over. One time he spilled his coffee because of this and it left a stain on the carpet.
I dated a girl JUST like this, hands-down the most batshit crazy girl I have ever met in my life. She is still in federal prison until at least 2039, and I guaran-fuckin-tee you that the parole board will get a letter from me every year detailing exactly what this psycho cunt did to me. Our relationship started out normal, just like any other. I met her at a party my friend Steve was having at ASU. It was Steve's 21st birthday but he had already been banned from a lot of the bars in the area for getting caught with fake IDs. That stupid fuck would always get the cheapest fake ID he could find and they never worked. The rest of us paid the extra $50 to get an authentic one from some guy who swiped a machine from the DMV. I'm actually still using mine right now even though I'm 27, because I lost my real ID when I accidentally stuck it in one of those ATMs that sucks the card in. I was drunk, didn't realize it wasn't my debit card, and when I got my pin wrong 3 times it shredded my license. At least that's what the guy working at the bank said. I think he was full of shit and just didn't want to go check the machine for my license. Fuck TD bank.
A couple years ago my friend had just bought this new Weatherby .270 rifle and we took it to our other friend's farm to test it out. Looking back, I can't believe how lucky I am to be alive. Weatherby guarantees sub-MOA at 100 yards, which means that from a hundred yards away, your bullets will all hit within less than an inch of each other. After many beers and hours of shooting holes through pennies at 100 yards, we thought it would be a good idea to do the ol' William Tell shoot-an-apple-off-your-head stunt. Except with beer cans because we shot all of the apples earlier in the day. We even shot the fake apples my friend had for decoration in the kitchen. His wife was pretty pissed about that, but I think bowls with fake fruit in them are the dumbest thing ever. I can't tell you how many times I've been stoked to eat a banana or an apple and find out it is just a piece of wood. Do you see guys putting fake wooden beer bottles in a fridge for decoration? Fuck no. You'd get your ass kicked for that.
TL;DR: Guns + alcohol = manslaughter and prison
Once, and only once, when I was jogging in the woods behind my house, did I do a double take like the dude in this meme.I saw something out of place slightly off the path I was on. The woods were public property and went a ways back with a bunch of nature trails, and people liked to dump trash off of the trails. I assumed it was just another piece of trash or something, but I figured I'd check it out, in case it was something cool like that one time I found a whole case of cheap white wine back there. It boggled my mind that someone would throw the wine away like that. I didn't like white wine, so I left it there. At the time I was more on an irish whiskey kick, so that's all I would really drink. I used to drink whatever, from Jameson to Tullamore Dew to Bushmills. But one time at the liquor store, this drunk hobo came up to me and started yelling at me for drinking Protestant whiskey. He was rambling for a while so I just said fuck it and just bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. Lets see you yell at me for buying American whiskey, you homeless piece of shit!